Another SOC Post

I am feeling better about myself because I worked out for the last 3 days.  Big whoop!  Well it really is if this is the start of something new and permanent.  I can't know that now, but this I know, every time I have started something like this in the past it peters out to nothing after a few days, weeks or, at most, months.  I just cannot keep up any good routine. I guess it is worth continuing to try rather than giving up totally, yet and still again.

I do like the way I feel afterward.  Sometimes I feel like I can't lift my arms or walk up a flight of stairs, but I feel good like I have done something worthwhile.  I suppose this is an idea of what it feels like after a weak JW does some rare Field Service.  I won't know that feeling for quite some time.

The other thing this getting up early so I can work out does is to make me sleepy during the day.  I just don't get as much rest as otherwise.   I should be able to fix that by going to bed sooner.  It has the added benefit of reducing the time spent at home with the munchies.  I am just desperate to loose weight.  I am, obviously, more desperate for comfort food throughout any given day.  Another reason IHMS.  I need to spend maybe just a few minutes a day looking at my fat body in the mirror each morning just to remind myself of why I want to lose pounds.  Then when the moments of temptation occur (such as it is now,) I have a better chance to resist.  I just need to give myself time to call the image to mind and my own disgust.

And now it's Monday and the weekend was awful.  Wasteful and indulgent on multiple levels.  The only good thing is that I went to the meetings. I ate virtually all day Saturday and half the day on Sunday that I wasn't eating.  I didn't work-out as I intended.  As a matter of fact I didn't work out at all.  Another day in depression IRRHMS.

And now Tuesday - a bright spot as this is the 5th week day in a row that I worked out.  It is hard to get up early enough to get here in time, but as a matter of fact I have done so a few days in a row.  Who knows how long this will last.  My best guess is another week or two.

I dreamed of an old quasi girlfriend last night.  She wore a blue cotton nightie and we almost had relations, but not quite.  Her night wear  were incongruous with what I imagine she would wear in real life.  I recall in my dream looking twice and thinking that her attire wasn't as nice as I would have imagined she would wear.  There must be some meaning in that.   As thinking about it driving in I reflected on the fact that I will never be with a woman I love or even admire for years to come.  It is sad to me but my fate is still superior to some and it could be the most one could hope for, if I would just do God's will.  But that just isn't happening.

Oh the name?  "Stream of Consciousness" for those unimaginative and a little slow, such as myself on a really good day.