Preemptive Strike

I have truly come to hate my life.  Of course any reader knows that.  Again it comes to mind whether it is time to end it all.  I want to kill myself before God does it.  He doesn't promise a peaceful death for those he executes.  He just gets the job done.  I suppose I don't deserve a peaceful death.  There is no dignity in death like this.  I suppose there is dignity when you die like Christ, with the weight of the world on your shoulders but with success.  When as one of your last acts you direct your friend to see to your mother welfare and when you solemnly entrust your departing spirit to God's hand confident that you have accomplished his will.

You don't have to be perfect either.  You can die like my mother, surrounded by loving family.  Confident that you have done God's will to the best of your ability.  Simply enduring until the end.

No, not me.  I die a coward.  Ashamed that I failed to carry out God's will, that I performed so poorly that my sick wife left me and my daughter left not just me but the God I tried (weakly) to teach her about.  Of course she saw my own hypocrisy and  imitated it, resulting in her own failures.

She told me that she had a pleasant dream this morning where a number of people at school heard lots of good and positive things about the religion.  For the first time in forever I felt like she had hope to really return to God.  I remembered that I cannot recall for 10 + years having a good dream.  It is all just a struggle for survival.  It isn't like so many in foreign lands, living in a jungle, chasing rats for food, sweltering in the heat of day and/or shivering in the cold.  I have food, clothing, shelter, a congregation (which on some level is loving.)  I have no excuse for my present ills.  Normal people would look at me and say something like:  "Get off your buttox and do something you lazy moron!"  and they would be right in every point:

1. I am on my butt,
2. I am lazy,
3. I am doing nothing and
4. I am a moron (well maybe not technically but I certainly act foolishly which was the intended spirit of the imagined comment.)

Helium is the method of choice.  Party City is the source.  It is expensive and I don't really know if I am ready.  But I don't want to wait until I need it and then not have access.  It's a bad idea all around.  No question.  It is just that I am such a coward, Helium seems like the easiest way out.