Gentle Hands

I am taking depression medication now and have been for a week.  I am already starting to feel more like working and it isn't nearly as hard to get a few things done.  I still can't focus for very long but it is far better than what it was like before.

I really hope I can get back to the congregation but that will require so much work.  One of the medications will allow me to sit through meetings.  So often in parts of the meeting where they talk about all the good things the individuals in the congregation really should be doing, I feel personally assaulted and it is mentally painful.  So this medication keeps me from feeling really, really bad.  Of course it also keeps me from feeling really, really good.

I will try to get to the meeting this Sunday (tomorrow.)  We'll see if that really happens.

So my favorite escort is coming into town in June.  I had decided I was going to see her then.  Today I read an earlier post that explained why I decided not to see her earlier this year.  It appears that she will be leaving the country for good in July.  This might be the last time I ever could see her.  Yet and still it is almost assuredly best that I don't.  It reminds me of an episode of "Elementary" a modern day Sherlock Holmes.  Sherlock sponsors an addict whose girlfriend comes to town.  She herself is a practicing drug addict and the recovering addict (being sponsored by Sherlock) wants to let her move in with him.  Sherlock tells him the truth:  You should have noting to do with her.  You can't have her in your life right now.  Of course he doesn't listen and ends up doing drugs with her.

It's like that with Grace.  I know better, but I want to see her so badly.  She is one person that I really could connect with.  Such people (those with whom I can connect) are very rare.  I don't think that most people would think I am a scoundrel however I do put people off, and those around me, especially women, feel uncomfortable.  Grace warmed to me really quickly.  I could see her sizing me up right after we first met, She got it right and our first encounter was very pleasant.  The next one, not so much, but she had been feeling ill and wasn't really up for the engagement.  She has offered me a discount as a result on future engagements.

I think that I will just leave this in her hands.  If she reaches out to me, I am too weak to say "no."  If, on the other hand, she doesn't.  I'm not going to make first contact and the last opportunity to see her will go away; although that would be best for me.  I do pray for her though, and I probably will for some time to come.  I really really like this woman.  That's what she is to me, a woman, not a whore or prostitute or any of those untoward names people call those who do what she does.  I see her as a beautiful, kindhearted, intelligent and open minded person.  One day I'd like to marry someone with characteristics like Grace.  I'd marry her if she would have me, but she's young and could do so much better than me.  That's just one of those things (like having an Aventador;) that will never happen.

Disembarcation

I am on a train that is circling the congregation, a positive thing.  The tracks for this train never come close to the congregation center.  In fact it circles so far away therefrom that I doesn't seem like I am any part of the congregation.  I just see it from afar.  So I need to find a way off this train and onto one heading for its center, or at the very least a tighter circle around it.  Now, just how am I gonna do that.

I am improving in my quest to break away from nrop, most recent digression notwithstanding.  However I have stopped going to meetings although now that I finally have some decent depression and sleep medication that should help a lot.  The barbs they throw at me from the stage won't hurt the medicated persona as much.  I still have to get started again though, somehow.

I was thinking that I need to maybe write them a letter.  I did that once to no avail.  However that one just said I am in trouble and need help.  It did spark a meeting (as in one such.)  I clearly need more than that.  However I honestly don't know what I need apart from social interaction.  The latter isn't something you ask for since it is unreasonable.  If I am invited somewhere I would want it to be because people are interested in and want to talk to me, not  because I asked.

However it would seem that they should have some ideas.  They consistently ask if I want someone to study the bible with them.  I honestly don't see how that would help and in at least 2 instances I can think of I responded accordingly.  Both times they immediately dropped the idea.  In either instance they might have explained how the study would benefit me.  The fact that they didn't leads me to believe that they didn't really think that was a good idea themselves.

Again in both instance, after that they (the Deacons) seemed out of their element.  It was clear that they didn't know what to do or suggest next.  It is like that was their only solution and, turning that down left them without any other assistance mechanism.  I suppose I am disappointed that there isn't any other alternative.  If they offer it again, I think I should accept the "one size fits all" solution they offer.  It can't hurt.

The letter idea, hell I don't know what I would say.  I have drafted a letter to the central organization, akin to going over their heads.  I suppose I should borrow heavily from that.  In that one, I just explained my situation and my frustrations with the Deacons' ineffective attempt to assist.  However in all fairness, and in fact by scripture, I should do so before complaining about them to someone else.

Dang, I don;t even have their address I could send it to.

Blog Birthday

So I recently looked back over the year or so of blogging I have done.  It paints the picture of a seriously depressed individual struggling against his internal corruptions to overcome gluttony, nrop, shyness, and fear of men.  These things have lowered self esteem to the point of considering suicide.  This individual knows what to do, but can't or won't bring himself to do it.  Externally it seems obvious that it is lack of will, internally it feels like I am being held back by some force.

The basic thing I know I want to do is serve God.  The problem is that I don't have the immediate will to do so.  I've known the formula for a long time:

1. The only way to serve God well is to love him.
2. The only way to love him is to get to know him,
3. The only way to get to know him is to study the bible that tells people about him,
4. Studying the bible is difficult and uninteresting so the only way to do that is to just commit yourself to the difficult process until it starts to get easier. As you continue in that office the difficulty will reduce to a maintainable level.
5. Add the other things not done yet among the list of::

• Study
• Meetings
• Prayer 
• Service

The issue for me is step #4, I haven't been successful studying about God long enough for it to become enjoyable enough to be self sustaining.  I either quit before that point or, on rare occasions, after getting to that point I quickly get tripped by something God finds unacceptable.

It seems more and more like there is just no way out.

And yet there must be.  The simple fact that God doesn't tempt us beyond our breaking point means that I have "broken" before the point at which I should have.  This whole situation is so very much my fault.  But again, I distract myself.  The focus on this, my blog birthday post, is to figure out, well I suppose write out, what to do now.  Now that I am in this hole, this dire situation.  Kicked to the curb in my own congregation and largely ignored by all the members therein.

Maybe I should write a letter  .  .  .

Is God Teaching Me a Lesson?

As of the last post I had missed 2 church services (there are 2 each week.  I have missed 2 (or possibly 4) more in a row.  I did go the the special event on the 14th.  That was a nice service and someone, actually 2 people said "Hi" to me.  Most did not.  I had to get there early by 1/2 hour and it was really awkward sitting there, but I had little choice.  So I caught up on a few emails.  That is considered "bad form" as the focus should be on welcoming people that haven't been there before.  But I really don't think anyone really wanted me (spiritual zero of the congregation) welcoming a new person.

I really don't know how to get out of this mess.  I think I should just stop worrying about it.  If my life becomes acceptable to God, he knows how to direct me to get more involved with the congregation.  On the other hand, being more involved with the congregation would help me to become acceptable to God.  I'd like to get to the point of getting all the restrictions off and going out in service again.  But damn, that's a long way away.  If I ever get there I'd like to change Congregations and get a fresh start somewhere else.

I really need to get the study schedule up and running again.  Three hours each day was just about right.  I currently spend 2 hours per day working out.  Actually three, because when you add the extra laundry and preparations I go through to be able to work the logistics of going to the gym it eats that far into my life.  I'd have to shut off secular work around 6:00 PM and focus on bible education for the next 3 hours until 9:00 PM.  That doesn't seem possible,

Oh well, I went to a meeting last night, the usual night for my congregation.  However a foreign language congregation was there. They must have switched and, because I missed so many meetings lately, I didn't hear the announcement.  I'll go again tonight, if I keep my nerve, and if not my congregation there will be another English speaking congregation there.

So, I'm not being abused.  I'm not suffering malfeasance of others.  I am just adrift on the edge of the congregation and, given that no one is really interested in me, I regularly get buffeted by minor irritations (I don't know how to get the study copy of magazines, I show up at the wrong meeting, I have to search bad internet sites for other materials used during certain meetings, no one, or practically no one talks to me at the meetings.)  This makes the overall experience of trying to come back to this religion extremely challenging and downright unpleasant.

Of course given my history of not following the rules, disloyalty, interest in bad things, it is not too surprising. I suppose it is surprising that a congregation would treat anyone this way.  However, maybe this is what God really wants, for me to see what I am missing so that if I ever come back, I won't be so apt to leave again.  It has been years this way though.

Breaking Point

So it seems like I have slipped past my breaking point again.  I missed the last 2 church services because I am so put out by the fact that so very few people talk to me there.  I often think that I just gotta do what I know I need to do 'cause I don't need anyone else.  If God wants me to to these meetings then, well, that's what I am gonna do, don't care how I am treated.  But I am a human and that's just not how it works.

Last time I started missing meetings it took months for me to return.  I could tell that I was about to start missing again.  When I sit though several meetings and feel like I just want to run away, that's the sure sign that I am going to quit for a while.  It is really bad.  I hate this and I hate myself.

I am still trying to get myself righted but my life is like a knotted rope.  I can't make any traction because everything is dependent on everything else.  I thought about going to the meeting last night but then the bitch called and I suddenly didn't want to go since she would be at the services.  I brought the stuff to be able to go tonight but I am rather sure I will not make it.

And such is my life.  I try, but not hard enough.  I get involved with things I shouldn't but not enough to get kicked out.  I have stumbled around in depression, but not quite enough to end it all.

And no, I didn't make it to the meeting list night.

So, on the topic asking for help, I have thought about that a lot and I think it is because the interactions with the deacons in this congregation are really so very painful.  While they say all the right words about wanting to help, the primary focus is clearly identifying anything else bad that I might have done and punishing me for it.  They hold me in that "punished" status until, well I don't know when.

Monday is the only celebration this religion does.  It is the annual observance of Jesus death.  Not just the regular members but all sorts of past members, members in name only and non-members go to this celebration.  So I'm goin'.  It really is important to me to go, it isn't one of those things I do to see and be seen.  I feel badly b/c I don't know if there is a meeting on Sunday.  There usually is but I seem to remember somewhere that it might be cancelled.  I just don't know.  Missing the one on Sunday would be the 4th in a row that I miss.

I've decided to see Grace in June.'14, the escort referenced earlier.  I have a lot of stuff, I don't have experience with such a beautiful woman.  It will be 1,500 USD  (1200 in provider fees and 300 USD in food & drinks.)  I still think of the previous times we have engaged.  I remember it with pleasantness without any hint of disappointment over not "getting my money's worth.  I know I can't afford it, but I feel the need for some pleasantness in my life right now.  The last 10 years have been most difficult.

I know I am being super stupid.  I also know I am going to die (as well as one can know these things.)  I just hurt so much from the lack of human contact that I am just going to do it anyway.

I finally, finally, finally made an appointment with a psychiatrist.  If the pills help me as much as they did last year, then maybe I can begin to climb out of this mess.  I can't tell how deep the hold is that I am in, I just know that is very deep.  Something that I will probably never climb out of in this system, so unless Armageddon is still or 20 or 25 years off, I'll probably be in this here when I die.  Unlike the Lauray Caverns, this hole ain't pretty.

My Private Burden

Some months ago I went to a conference.  It was all very well done and I was impressed with the content.  I was totally distracted by the few women there.  Every time I saw one it was like a reminder of how much I miss having a woman to care about me.  At one point in my life I felt proud of the fact that I didn't need a woman to take care of me.  I saw other men who were so happy with and obviously proud to introduce their wives/girlfriend/whatever.  I felt superior to these men because I didn't need a woman.

Now I feel the need, don't have one and consequently feel inferior, since they have one and I don't.  The other thing is that I have Champagne taste on a beer budget.  Of the women that interest me none would want to have any interest in me.  The 5 attributes I am looking for are:

Slim
Pretty (not necessarily stunning)
Kindhearted
Intelligent
Open minded

It seems that some of these features are mutually exclusive as the world treats someone who is extremely beautiful with such deference that it seems hard to find such women who are truly kind at heart.  So there are very few such women.  Then finding one of those rare creatures that is interested in me we have a rare situation indeed.  Given my social ineptitude it is unlikely this could ever happen.  It is a practical impossibility.  Not totally impossible but close enough to such that I cannot believe it will happen.

Of course that won't stop me from hoping and thinking that the practical impossibility might one day happen.  So here I go again, setting up this hoping for the impossible that will eventually crush delectation and evokes despair.  When I was younger I was content to wait longer but now that I am old, there is no chance and I feel only the loss of my life and all the bad choices weighing heavily on my conscience.

The Bitch is Back

So the bitch is coming back.  She is getting off the shunning list next week and will be allowed to freely associate within the congregations.  Good for her I say.  I am sure she will be allowed to participate in meeting discussions and join their educational program before me.

I feel like I permanently inhabit the back pew.  Not shunned but uninvited.  I know that this is all my fault but lately I have been spending way way way the hell too much time trying to fix blame on the deacons.  My heart is already there.  My mind can find what my heart wants but the cold logic in me says this is all wrong.  God wouldn't let me be crushed by people in his own organization.

I just feel an aversion to their presence and feel uncomfortable around them.  When one of them calls or emails,  I dread it, but at the same time keep thinking, maybe this time they will have something to say that will really help.  I won't look at them when they give talks.  I'll listen but I don't want to look at them.  I don't think I have said an unkind word to either of them, but I know that I do make them uncomfortable.  Still and all, God loves them and their behaviors.  He hates what I do and what it is that I do not do that he I should be doing.   How to improve is just a constant struggle.  I am not making it.  I do know that whatever it is, it is not their fault.  Even if there is something they didn't get right, they are handling this far far better than me.  I am the one with the problem. I am for the most part sure that in their heart of hearts, they are trying to help.  I am the idiot.  It is all my fault.  I need to avoid blaming them and get on with my life, what little of it there is left.

So, now, again, just how am I gonna do that?