The Bitch is Back

So the bitch is coming back.  She is getting off the shunning list next week and will be allowed to freely associate within the congregations.  Good for her I say.  I am sure she will be allowed to participate in meeting discussions and join their educational program before me.

I feel like I permanently inhabit the back pew.  Not shunned but uninvited.  I know that this is all my fault but lately I have been spending way way way the hell too much time trying to fix blame on the deacons.  My heart is already there.  My mind can find what my heart wants but the cold logic in me says this is all wrong.  God wouldn't let me be crushed by people in his own organization.

I just feel an aversion to their presence and feel uncomfortable around them.  When one of them calls or emails,  I dread it, but at the same time keep thinking, maybe this time they will have something to say that will really help.  I won't look at them when they give talks.  I'll listen but I don't want to look at them.  I don't think I have said an unkind word to either of them, but I know that I do make them uncomfortable.  Still and all, God loves them and their behaviors.  He hates what I do and what it is that I do not do that he I should be doing.   How to improve is just a constant struggle.  I am not making it.  I do know that whatever it is, it is not their fault.  Even if there is something they didn't get right, they are handling this far far better than me.  I am the one with the problem. I am for the most part sure that in their heart of hearts, they are trying to help.  I am the idiot.  It is all my fault.  I need to avoid blaming them and get on with my life, what little of it there is left.

So, now, again, just how am I gonna do that?