Letter

I am writing, and have been for some time now (adding editing & revising) a letter to my religion's HQ.  Most religions would ignore such, but I did this before (about 30 years ago) and I got a serious reply.  The religion doesn't encourage this.  There is a protocol that starts with the local deacons (of which there are several in most congregations) but then it goes to a itinerant deacon who has a higher level of responsibility.

I have discussed my situation with him so I perceive some cause to go over his head.  But still and all, I feel like if God wanted me to get some attention I would have gotten what I needed so the delays that I perceive as problematic are in all likelihood, my own fault and God wouldn't have it any other way.  While I am tempted to, I won't reproduce the letter here.  Just suffice it to say that it is an "I'm drowning here!" type letter more than an "I've been wronged." type.  It does mention the situation in several paragraphs of summary, spanning the events largely of the past 10 years when my spiritual situation really took a nosedive and crashed for me and those around me.  It sounds in sections like I am blaming the deacons or others, but I keep saying (as I truly believe) that this is all my fault.

I am thinking that I might send the letter to the local deacons and tell them I want to discuss this with the itinerant Big Dog when he comes around in a few months.  It is unflattering for the local guys but I really shouldn't care if they get their noses out of joint if (and only if) what I am saying is true and balanced.  It's pretty hard for me to offer an unbalanced opinion here.  

Of course then one has to go back and say:  "Hold on a second.  If this is really God's organization, why do I have to say anything at all?  Why don't I just get the help I need.  Yes and truly the Lord knows that I have discussed my situation with them on many occasions."  Hell, I don't know.  but the bottom line is that what I have been doing before hasn't worked.  It may be that there just isn't any saving my sorry behind and I am too incorrigible.  I hear people tell me all the time that God loves everyone and that Jesus died for us all.  NOT SO!  He died so that those putting faith in him might be saved.  Apparently that doesn't include me.  And before you (odd true Christian reader) might object let me add:  "This is the course I have chosen for myself.  It's no one else's fault."  Really, there's no refuting that.  The only hope is that my analysis is just wrong.  I hope it is.  I just don't think so.

I suppose another hope is that "I can change."  After 35 years of realizing my errors and continuing to adjust for it (to varying degrees) I must conclude that:  "It's unlikely that I will change enough to suit God.  Again, my choice, ludicrous though it may be."

I feel closed off at every turn.  Maybe it is the depression talking and I might believe that if the feelings and rejection hadn't lasted so very long.

On further reflection, maybe there's no reason for a letter at all.  Maybe all I needed was to get "right" with God, and then it won't be necessary.  No one would get their nose out of joint and I won't waste anyone else's time.  Hmmmm, now, just how am I going to do that?