!NaCL4Me

So this is the week, the escort is in town.  I have written and continue to perfect a letter that says "I changed my mind (again) and now I want to see you."  It doesn't sound nearly so pathetic as that.  So those who know the story of Lot's escape from the doomed cities with his wife and kids know that I am still playing the part of his wife.

The thing is I would still end up spending nearly a grand.  Not b/c that's the new rate, (I'm apparently grandfathered in at the old social rate) but because I would want to just be generous.  So there's that.  Also I know the probability is significant that I would do so and, at this late date, she has no availability.  Then here I would sit, disloyal to God and without the benefit of that which I wanted.  That would really suck lemons.

New Day:  really I should not do so b/c I want God to be happy.  Of course now, which is worse, seeing the Escort or going out with my df ex-wife.  I rationalize the latter saying that there is positive in having my kid with both her parents together.  I think he likes that and appreciates the few times we are all together.  Nonetheless she is shunned (formally kicked out of the church circle) and I'm not supposed to have anything to do with her.   I think that most would agree that the Escort is worse but on what scriptural basis?  I guess it would be like hanging out with anyone who chooses a lifestyle radically and flagrantly different from God's standard - like going out with a politician.

Who knows, who cares.  It seem that no one really does (except God, and it seems I just don't meet his standards.)  I have been in this situation before where I have struggled to do the right thing.   And when I do, there are no angels singing or harps playing.  The next day comes and goes with the same crap to deal with.  Yes I am sure I have benefited myself by not having done the bad thing.  I just wish it was obvious.

New Day:  So yesterday I deleted the (unsent draft) email to the escort.  I suppose that I got tired of dithering and the head logic finally won out over the heart.  I still HMS for not following through, but I know this is the best (actually the only correct) decision.  It hurts to realize I have to go back to the censure committee, but there is no other choice.  One new committee member offered a KM a couple of weeks ago.  He indicated he would get it to me on the next meeting.  I downloaded a copy anyway and sure enough after 2 weeks he hasn't delivered.  He's really busy though.  There were countless times I did the same thing.  IHMS for doing so 'cause now I see that it really is disappointing on the receiving end.

And oh yea, no singing, no harps.  Just another meeting in which I struggle to stay awake.

I guess in summary, maybe I am not looking my shoulder but it could be that I am not evacuating the city, maybe I have left the house and haven't gotten out of my neighborhood.  Of course if that is the case then I'll get burned with the fire or crushed with the brimstone (whatever the hell that is.)  I suppose in that case salt may have been better - dead, but at least it wouldn't hurt as much.