NaCl

So I turned my back on my escort (though wishing she was Rahab - though if she like Rahab, it certainly wouldn't be me to make the connect) and toward God.  However for the past several days I keep looking over my shoulder.  Wanting, hoping that she will email anyway and the conversation (and soon to follow appointment) would be on again (my fervent hope.)  One of these days I am going to turn into a pillar of salt.  (Genesis 19:26 - I cite scriptural references 'cause it makes me feel smart.)

I realize this woman is so far out of my league that any connection (beyond a professional one) would be uproariously laughable.  But I have always done that.  I just can't believe just how socially inept I have been.  It pains me to recall these events to mind.  The stab my heart and make it hurt at times like this.  I feel so unworthy and inadequate.  I am totally ashamed of myself.  I just want to go away.
I keep realizing over and over that I MUST find a doctor and get back on medication. I am a jerk and a freak.  I can't work efficiently and in many cases effectively without the drugs.  I have to get them back.  I don't know how to carry on without them

So the bitch is talking to her surrogate censure committee.  The moved away from the location (and hence congregation) of the original one so a second one was formed at her current location to review her case.  They will formally convene to hear her plea for mercy tonight.  I suggested she write a script and read it to them.  Sounds like she is going to do that.  I think she will finally get off the shunning list (non-practice-rs seem to like to call it.)

She will likely get off all censorship levels before I do.  Everyone likes her.  They talk to her and look the other way when I look at them.  They treat my son much better also.  He will be submitting his plea for re-connection soon as well.

Getting my act together really shouldn't be so hard.  I need the drugs and then it will all be clear.  I am also not sleeping right.  It leaves me exhausted during the day but every morning I am waking up at 1:00 oe 2:00 AM.  If I get up then or not, I end up really tired during the day.  Oh well,  I need to get on the phone.