Rahab

I was feeling so much better before and now it is like a depression cloud is coming over me.  It is fast moving in that I can feel myself slowing down and becoming unresponsive.  I think that before it was more gradual.  I am hating the onset of this struggle.  It is like feeling walls close in.  Before long, if I don't get help, no matter how much I struggle I won't be able to move.

It may be because my mom died recently and that has me really upside down.  It may be because her death led my brother to depend on me more than before.  It may be because as I look at the house where my mom lived, there is just so much work that needs to be done there it is depressing.

I also attempted to make an appointment with an escort.  I think this is the real reason I am feeling so badly.  God is unhappy with that decision and I think he is letting me know it.  Right now I am thinking that I will keep the appointment because I hate dithering over issues especially once a decision is announced.  But then again many years ago I announced that I would serve God and here I am doing something directly against that.

I told the escort that I didn't want "full service" that this would be a social visit.  Yet it still costs quite a lot.  I may even need a new coat since it will be chilly but not too cold.  I have a heavy jacket but not medium weight formal outerwear -- a pea-coat is what I perceive I will need.  This is a provider I engaged previously and described in an earlier post.

Anyway, I think God is highly displeased that I chose to make this appointment.  I think it is like I said:  "yea, yea, yea, I know what you say about bad association (1 Cor 15:33)  but this is different, I need to talk to someone."  As If God didn't already know that!  If he wanted me to talk to someone he could make that happen.  But by making an expensive escort appointment to have someone to talk, well that was just foolish.  It is like I don't trust God to help me out.

Now maybe he wants me to ask for help more explicitly, or more fervently or more frequently or more something.  Maybe he doesn't think that I have really asked for help at all.  Maybe I am fooling myself in thinking that my previous discussions with the censorship committee was me asking for help.  Actually this is all just immaterial.  It is wrong to go to an escort for anything but to tell them about God.  Yes you can preach to them, but employing their services is just not correct.  Hopefully, dear reader, I don't need to spell that out.

Actually let me be more clear.  It isn't that escorts are some "untouchable" class.  It is just that their primary profession, what they usually do (aside from "social" appointments) is explicitly labeled as incorrect 2 Corinthians 6:9,10.)  Also King Solomon (right, the wisest man) actually talks about watching someone getting seduced by a prostitute (Proverbs 7:6-21.)  He labels it negatively.

So what's wrong with "social" appointments?  Well now we are back to 1 Corinthians 15:33.  Especially if you need help.  Actually there is explicit instructions if you need help James 5:14.)  And, of course if this isn't working then you must be doing something else wrong.  And taking another unwise step is a thoroughly stupid thing to do.

So, what to do.  Well the escort hasn't responded yet.  So it isn't like we have made an appointment.  So I suppose I could just send her a note and say:  "Never mind."  I feel like such a heel doing that though.  But I guess in retrospect it is what God wants.  Actually he wants me to not meet with the escort and it is up to me to take positive steps to make that happen.

So the challenge is to cancel the appointment but not take anything away from the escort.  I mean anyone who read the earlier post regarding her can see that I really like this person.  But I can't think of any other way to do it.  If I send a long note about why, it will sound self serving.   I am poor socially and just don't have any ideas about how to do this politely.  I suppose I can pray about it.

I will be feeling bad about this for a long time.  But maybe it will make God less displeased with me.  There seems to be just so much I need to do to make him happy with me. The best I can hope for is "less displeased."

Actually, and for the record a prostitute and here family was the only ones selected by God to survive the destruction of Jericho.  Rahab was her name.  (Joshuah starting in the second chapter)  She survived for exercising faith in God.  I say that because if someone selects an occupation that is not in line with social norms or biblical norms, that doesn't mean they are "bad" people.  I guess I still like this woman.  I hope God doesn't think she is a "bad" person when her judgement day comes along with the rest of us.