Diving Back Under the Covers of Depression

10 minutes 'til showtime today.  I have a plate full of meetings and there is no way I will survive clear headed.

I hate being in charge of a team and I can't manage it well.  I am motivated to be a good leader but it seems to be beyond my skill level.  I hate what I have become.

Bitch leaked out the death of my mom to my current congregation.  I got a couple of texts so far expressing condolence.  I really wish that they just did not know my business.

I am thinking about responding something like:

Thanks for the kind words but the person who told you had no business doing so.  Don't tell anyone else!

But these dudes are just doing what they know to do.  They don't understand who I am, (or maybe they do and I don't understand myself.)  In any case there is no malice so I will probably just leave it alone.

After all, maybe they will feel better if they tell me how sorry they are for my loss.  They can check the "poked Mark" box for the year and feel good that they positively know even the edge cases in the flock.

On Sunday they asked me (during the meeting) if I wanted them to announce my father's death to the whole congregation.  I said no, of course.  The last thing I need is a bunch of insincere people telling me how sorry they are for my loss with me looking back at them saying, "If you are so sorry my mom died, why do you choose to stand back and say nothing as you watch me die?"   That wouldn't be polite though.  I wouldn't really say it, but I would get mad at them because that is something like what I would be feeling.

One elder did come up to me and express his sincere condolences.  He was kind and nice.  Not at all like the texts from the other two people.  (Of course if it was me I wouldn't have even sent a text.)  I didn't say anything to Smith when his wife died.  So I really shouldn't be complaining.  I don't know why I am complaining at all.  God could rightfully strike me dead here and now and be completely justified in doing so.  He has graciously offered the people he does to help me through difficult times in my life.  No they are not perfect and they don't claim to be.  They do what they can to help and are sincere in their efforts.

I am just being a blackguard, a contemptible scoundrel too proud to accept much needed help.  I am so ashamed of what I have grown up to be.  A person of no value and no worth to God.  I keep thinking, no maybe not.  Maybe you are worth something. Maybe you will get it right next time, but I don't, I fail every test of faith.  I am nothing, just nothing.