Is God Teaching Me a Lesson?

As of the last post I had missed 2 church services (there are 2 each week.  I have missed 2 (or possibly 4) more in a row.  I did go the the special event on the 14th.  That was a nice service and someone, actually 2 people said "Hi" to me.  Most did not.  I had to get there early by 1/2 hour and it was really awkward sitting there, but I had little choice.  So I caught up on a few emails.  That is considered "bad form" as the focus should be on welcoming people that haven't been there before.  But I really don't think anyone really wanted me (spiritual zero of the congregation) welcoming a new person.

I really don't know how to get out of this mess.  I think I should just stop worrying about it.  If my life becomes acceptable to God, he knows how to direct me to get more involved with the congregation.  On the other hand, being more involved with the congregation would help me to become acceptable to God.  I'd like to get to the point of getting all the restrictions off and going out in service again.  But damn, that's a long way away.  If I ever get there I'd like to change Congregations and get a fresh start somewhere else.

I really need to get the study schedule up and running again.  Three hours each day was just about right.  I currently spend 2 hours per day working out.  Actually three, because when you add the extra laundry and preparations I go through to be able to work the logistics of going to the gym it eats that far into my life.  I'd have to shut off secular work around 6:00 PM and focus on bible education for the next 3 hours until 9:00 PM.  That doesn't seem possible,

Oh well, I went to a meeting last night, the usual night for my congregation.  However a foreign language congregation was there. They must have switched and, because I missed so many meetings lately, I didn't hear the announcement.  I'll go again tonight, if I keep my nerve, and if not my congregation there will be another English speaking congregation there.

So, I'm not being abused.  I'm not suffering malfeasance of others.  I am just adrift on the edge of the congregation and, given that no one is really interested in me, I regularly get buffeted by minor irritations (I don't know how to get the study copy of magazines, I show up at the wrong meeting, I have to search bad internet sites for other materials used during certain meetings, no one, or practically no one talks to me at the meetings.)  This makes the overall experience of trying to come back to this religion extremely challenging and downright unpleasant.

Of course given my history of not following the rules, disloyalty, interest in bad things, it is not too surprising. I suppose it is surprising that a congregation would treat anyone this way.  However, maybe this is what God really wants, for me to see what I am missing so that if I ever come back, I won't be so apt to leave again.  It has been years this way though.