I am taking depression medication now and have been for a week. I am already starting to feel more like working and it isn't nearly as hard to get a few things done. I still can't focus for very long but it is far better than what it was like before.
I really hope I can get back to the congregation but that will require so much work. One of the medications will allow me to sit through meetings. So often in parts of the meeting where they talk about all the good things the individuals in the congregation really should be doing, I feel personally assaulted and it is mentally painful. So this medication keeps me from feeling really, really bad. Of course it also keeps me from feeling really, really good.
I will try to get to the meeting this Sunday (tomorrow.) We'll see if that really happens.
So my favorite escort is coming into town in June. I had decided I was going to see her then. Today I read an earlier post that explained why I decided not to see her earlier this year. It appears that she will be leaving the country for good in July. This might be the last time I ever could see her. Yet and still it is almost assuredly best that I don't. It reminds me of an episode of "Elementary" a modern day Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock sponsors an addict whose girlfriend comes to town. She herself is a practicing drug addict and the recovering addict (being sponsored by Sherlock) wants to let her move in with him. Sherlock tells him the truth: You should have noting to do with her. You can't have her in your life right now. Of course he doesn't listen and ends up doing drugs with her.
It's like that with Grace. I know better, but I want to see her so badly. She is one person that I really could connect with. Such people (those with whom I can connect) are very rare. I don't think that most people would think I am a scoundrel however I do put people off, and those around me, especially women, feel uncomfortable. Grace warmed to me really quickly. I could see her sizing me up right after we first met, She got it right and our first encounter was very pleasant. The next one, not so much, but she had been feeling ill and wasn't really up for the engagement. She has offered me a discount as a result on future engagements.
I think that I will just leave this in her hands. If she reaches out to me, I am too weak to say "no." If, on the other hand, she doesn't. I'm not going to make first contact and the last opportunity to see her will go away; although that would be best for me. I do pray for her though, and I probably will for some time to come. I really really like this woman. That's what she is to me, a woman, not a whore or prostitute or any of those untoward names people call those who do what she does. I see her as a beautiful, kindhearted, intelligent and open minded person. One day I'd like to marry someone with characteristics like Grace. I'd marry her if she would have me, but she's young and could do so much better than me. That's just one of those things (like having an Aventador;) that will never happen.
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