So I recently looked back over the year or so of blogging I have done. It paints the picture of a seriously depressed individual struggling against his internal corruptions to overcome gluttony, nrop, shyness, and fear of men. These things have lowered self esteem to the point of considering suicide. This individual knows what to do, but can't or won't bring himself to do it. Externally it seems obvious that it is lack of will, internally it feels like I am being held back by some force.
The basic thing I know I want to do is serve God. The problem is that I don't have the immediate will to do so. I've known the formula for a long time:
1. The only way to serve God well is to love him.
2. The only way to love him is to get to know him,
3. The only way to get to know him is to study the bible that tells people about him,
4. Studying the bible is difficult and uninteresting so the only way to do that is to just commit yourself to the difficult process until it starts to get easier. As you continue in that office the difficulty will reduce to a maintainable level.
5. Add the other things not done yet among the list of::
- Study
- Meetings
- Prayer
- Service
It seems more and more like there is just no way out.
And yet there must be. The simple fact that God doesn't tempt us beyond our breaking point means that I have "broken" before the point at which I should have. This whole situation is so very much my fault. But again, I distract myself. The focus on this, my blog birthday post, is to figure out, well I suppose write out, what to do now. Now that I am in this hole, this dire situation. Kicked to the curb in my own congregation and largely ignored by all the members therein.
Maybe I should write a letter . . .
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