Breaking Point

So it seems like I have slipped past my breaking point again.  I missed the last 2 church services because I am so put out by the fact that so very few people talk to me there.  I often think that I just gotta do what I know I need to do 'cause I don't need anyone else.  If God wants me to to these meetings then, well, that's what I am gonna do, don't care how I am treated.  But I am a human and that's just not how it works.

Last time I started missing meetings it took months for me to return.  I could tell that I was about to start missing again.  When I sit though several meetings and feel like I just want to run away, that's the sure sign that I am going to quit for a while.  It is really bad.  I hate this and I hate myself.

I am still trying to get myself righted but my life is like a knotted rope.  I can't make any traction because everything is dependent on everything else.  I thought about going to the meeting last night but then the bitch called and I suddenly didn't want to go since she would be at the services.  I brought the stuff to be able to go tonight but I am rather sure I will not make it.

And such is my life.  I try, but not hard enough.  I get involved with things I shouldn't but not enough to get kicked out.  I have stumbled around in depression, but not quite enough to end it all.

And no, I didn't make it to the meeting list night.

So, on the topic asking for help, I have thought about that a lot and I think it is because the interactions with the deacons in this congregation are really so very painful.  While they say all the right words about wanting to help, the primary focus is clearly identifying anything else bad that I might have done and punishing me for it.  They hold me in that "punished" status until, well I don't know when.

Monday is the only celebration this religion does.  It is the annual observance of Jesus death.  Not just the regular members but all sorts of past members, members in name only and non-members go to this celebration.  So I'm goin'.  It really is important to me to go, it isn't one of those things I do to see and be seen.  I feel badly b/c I don't know if there is a meeting on Sunday.  There usually is but I seem to remember somewhere that it might be cancelled.  I just don't know.  Missing the one on Sunday would be the 4th in a row that I miss.

I've decided to see Grace in June.'14, the escort referenced earlier.  I have a lot of stuff, I don't have experience with such a beautiful woman.  It will be 1,500 USD  (1200 in provider fees and 300 USD in food & drinks.)  I still think of the previous times we have engaged.  I remember it with pleasantness without any hint of disappointment over not "getting my money's worth.  I know I can't afford it, but I feel the need for some pleasantness in my life right now.  The last 10 years have been most difficult.

I know I am being super stupid.  I also know I am going to die (as well as one can know these things.)  I just hurt so much from the lack of human contact that I am just going to do it anyway.

I finally, finally, finally made an appointment with a psychiatrist.  If the pills help me as much as they did last year, then maybe I can begin to climb out of this mess.  I can't tell how deep the hold is that I am in, I just know that is very deep.  Something that I will probably never climb out of in this system, so unless Armageddon is still or 20 or 25 years off, I'll probably be in this here when I die.  Unlike the Lauray Caverns, this hole ain't pretty.