Reentry

So where am I now.  My favorite escort (Grace), about whom I was effusing so much hasn't responded to a polite note from me indicating, "hey, I had a great time last night."  It could be because I didn't tip.  That wasn't really intentional since I didn't know exactly what in terms of consideration was expected.  I provided a worst case amount but no extra since it could have been less  than anticipated.

The other escort I was setting up with determined she would rather be in the Bahamas on a luxury yacht than sipping drinks with moi.  She cancelled on Thursday leaving me holding the hotel room bag for Thursday and Friday of the long weekend.   Of course, typical pathetic situation for "little 'ole me.  Hmmm let's see, a luxury yacht in the Bahamas or 2 hours with a new john in DC.   Not a hard choice.

It is probably for the best though.  That is a lot of money to spend on an evening, and again, I don't know this woman.  She could be very unpleasant.  I thought I would get involved with another person as a way of keeping myself from becoming too attached.  However given the fact that Grace lives in Seattle and visits DC once every few months, no additional measures may be needed
.  I have signed up for Speed Dating  per her recommendation.  If I really push myself to get involved in other social activities (or even just Speed Dating on a regular basis,) I should be distracted enough to avoid loss of consciousness such as what I experienced on my first date with Grace.

She is such a wonderful date that I simply cannot imagine being with someone so great on a regular basis.  However she can also help me avoid settling for something less than what I need.  I am a little perplexed regarding Grace.  I really anticipated a response to my last note to her.  I am worried she may realize what a damaged person I am and wants nothing further to do with me.  Time will tell I suppose.  She indicated she will be back in the September time frame.  "When will we know?" If November rolls around and I have no "Gracious" contact.

That's a long time between now and then.  Hell, armageddon could come in that time frame.  I suppose I can always hope (unless armageddon pops up first.)

O What an Escort

Anyone reading this from early on knows I have been entertaining the idea of talking to an escort for some time.  Earlier posts chronicle the frustration with connecting with Avery Moore and how, through much fault of my own, I fumbled that chance.  After going for weeks and months trying to figure out if I really wanted to do this I reached out to 3 escorts earlier this week.  Lillian was visiting the BWI area and was able to make arrangements to see me with little more than 24 hours advance notice.  She is from the west coast and was visiting the area.  I was enthralled by her web site and had to set something up quickly as she was only in town briefly.  We connected yesterday.

I cannot imagine a more thoroughly enjoyable evening.  We talked and talked about who she is, who I am, how she could help me and how I could help myself.  I was surprised that she had actually taken the time to come up with a couple of suggestions:  "Speed Dating" and "Its Just Lunch" to help me deal with my situation.  This was one of the earliest suggestions she made and it is interesting to note that neither of these suggestions were of benefit to her.  She also spent a good bit of time helping me to realize that however our relationship progressed, I needed to keep in mind that I was her client (unspoken: not her boyfriend.)

This woman's perceptive powers are simply amazing.  I could see her sizing me up when we first met and then it was almost like she instantly and instinctively knew how to deal with me in a kind and yet very respectful way.  I felt like  I had fallen into the hands of a gentle person who knew how to help without humiliating me due to my lack of social skill.  She also, amazingly, seemed to want to help me not soak me for all I was worth.  One small example, before our date I realized that there were 3 categories into which our interaction could fall.  I presented my question to her via email after the final logistics were set.  Amazingly she indicated that, in her mind the least expensive category is appropriate.  Further, she mentally waived the 2 hour minimum stated on her web site.   I had provided compensation according to this however as we wound down to the end of the date she mentioned that she  that we had gone far "overtime" but that she was OK with it.  When I mentioned that I had seen and adjusted for the 2 hour minimum, she was genuinely surprised and  thankful.

I don't know how long it has been since someone treated me so selflessly.  There are so many details I noted and appreciated.  (Quickly, she made a point of saying that if this never went any further she would have good memories of this interaction and would think of me kindly going forward.)  However suffice it to say that, while this was and will be a professional/client relationship, I feel like I am in the hands of a warm and loving individual.

The biggest issue I will have with her is to avoid falling in love -- the very thing she cautioned me about.  I have some ideas on how to manage that.  I will need to take deliberate and decisive steps, but I have a plan.

I wonder where this is going.  She mentioned that there is an obvious next level that we could go to.  While I would like to move to a more intimate setting next time, I have a need to touch, but the mental interaction is the really exciting part.  I found myself wanting to share with her, but not in a sexual way, more in terms of snuggling, holding kind of thing that transmits intimacy without words.  Sex is such a powerful thing, I don't want to move there and mess up what groundwork is already laid.  Maybe we will go there one day, but not next time, probably not the time after that and maybe never.  That won't mean our interaction is unsuccessful, just that a sexual relationship may not be a part of the healing process.  I'd almost rather it not be because sex can be such a perception bending experience.  I want to absorb our interaction with complete mental clarity.

There are a lot of places I would like to take our next encounter:

1. How do I look; is there something I can do to make myself more attractive and give any potential new relationship a spark?
2. What specific things can I work on to be more successful with women?  She already mentioned that I really need more practice.  Sitting in a restaurant across from such a beautiful woman was/is such an ego boost, I feel like I am already off  to a good start.  Not to say that I don't have a long way to go, but I sure like the feel of this launch.
3. How should I prepare myself for a real date?  
4. What can I do when the conversation lags?
5. What can I do to help me calm my nerves since I am attracted to very beautiful women, but at the same time they make me so very nervous?
6. How can I tell if a woman is interested in me and ready to move to a more intimate relationship?
1. How do they signal a readiness for additional intimacy?
7. I am hugely curious about her New Zeland life, (I've never been; what's it like, etc.  .  .  .)

When we were getting ready to leave she hugged me.  Not the quick perfunctory hug, but a lingering hug, not inappropriate for a public setting but clearly full of expression and a real desire to impart warmth and genuineness.  She wasn't trying to secure another date by being overly sexual, but she clearly wasn't holding back emotional connection.  Just prior she came up close and adjusted the lapels on my jacket, something I had seen on TV thousands of times, but never actually felt.  I know this sounds silly, but it was just magical that a woman of such beauty, intelligence and insight would treat me so kindly.

I just emailed my ex-wife.  I hope to be able to talk about this over lunch.

Moving Me Down the Highway

Today, this is going to be about moving on.  I reached out to my congregation for help and they don't have time for me.  I have reviewed my life and found that I have demonstrated a lack of love for God.  I believe in Him and know that He exists.  No question.  I see by my actions that I don't love him enough to do his will and follow his commands.  He will kill me for this, as well as I can know.  But the point here is stop wallowing in my shame and desire to be a different person.  I don't love God so all I have now is the time between now and the GT to enjoy what I can of life.

Maximum enjoyment comes from doing God's will, but what is second?  H2IK; so let's guess.  I love women, sex and closeness.  There is nothing in the world more beautiful than a well kept woman's body.  I am in awe of it regularly.  So, I want to be close to a woman.  I want to learn to love and care for them in a way that makes them feel special.  I want to be an important or at least notable figure in a woman's life, or perhaps on behalf of many such.

My ex-wife taught me to be a much better lover.  She showed me the importance of patience.  I learned to enjoy kissing for a long time before moving on to other erogenous zones.  She showed me how to touch her in a way that brings excitement without moving too quickly to maximize my own senses leaving her behind.  We enjoyed many different forms of pleasure stopping short of a Ménage à trois, though not for lack of trying at least a little.

So I am grateful to her for that education.  It has been nearly impossible for me to move on since then because I am so poorly equipped socially.  I get completely tongue tied talking to women.  The more I am interested, the more nervous I get.  As the latter increases my apparent intelligence decreases.  I actually get stupid.  I can't think of things to say.  I can't respond intelligently and I loose my sense of humor.  While it is pathetic it is just who I am.

The only positive thing is the abundance of dating sites that allow social buffoons to refine their approach in writing before being tasked with the social challenge.  That suits me fine.  I can write, edit, rewrite, age, review and polish my communiques before initiating or responding to a conversation.  When I step on my virtual tongue, I can ignore that person and hope (within reason) to never see that individual again.  I am not completely without social grace.  So if I can determine some interest on the part of the other individual, the first direct contact may be OK actually.

It's worth a try anyway.  I'll let you know, dear reader, how I fare.

Man Overboard

Here we go again, it's showtime.  Time to pull my head up from the muck its been in for the past weekend and pretend to be a confident and poised leader of the team.  Can I pull it off for another day? Probably.  Can I keep it going indefinitely, probably not.  I am sinking too far, too fast to stay on my feet.

For what am I reaching out?  I need someone to talk to.  I am looking for a Match date or an escort.  One is extremely expensive, the other risks pain (myself and others) and rejection (myself mostly.)  I cannot continue on as I have though.  I will wind up dead at my own hand.  As I sink deeper, I find myself more and more disappointed in myself and I won't keep myself "above water" for long.

For now though, I just have to work.  I'll put Match the agenda for tonight and I can work up a profile.  I remember how poorly things went at True, but who knows, this one might be a little better.  I have to try something.  Otherwise I'm dead anyway.  I hate what I have sunk to.  Match will give me something to look forward to each day.  Who knows, it may work out fine, and I get the companionship I am looking for.  Maybe that will help me get my head on straight, and I can start to progress.

Of course I will probably fall away.  I am feeling unable to hang on if someone were to take some interest in me.  I think that I would probably just be a false Wit.  Stay separate from the congregation out of respect for their need to stay clean but avoiding the df badge to delay the pain of my relatives.  It would be consistent for me to go back whenever I can stand it again when I am ready to give it another rnn.  When will that be?  H2IK.  Will I make it? maybe, maybe not, probably not..  I have continued trending down in spite of fits and starts in the other direction.  However the overall trend is very clearly negative.  I have never reversed that trend for more than a few months and then in very special circumstances.

I am just dying.  I will be dead before long.  The world won't miss much.  I am no one, nothing, worthless and purposeless.  A good for nothing wart on the buttox of humanity.  I hate myself for this. I know I will be adversely judged and killed by God (as well as one can know these things.)  I can't help but be surprised about how little attention I've attracted from the board.  It is just as though they are to busy to notice I have fallen overboard.

Decision Point

Today, I don't know where I am going.  I want to cut loose and go after the escort, dating site and just go after the gratification that I have always wanted but never sought in a definitive and organized fashion.  It would work if I made it my goal.  Then I would have to get formally kicked out until I come to my senses.  Why go through all that?  There simply isn't any good reason.  I want the sex.  I want the companionship.  I want the comfort from another person to help me deal with the issues I have.

Will it ever come to pass?  No.  It is just another trap.  I have no money, no food, no water, no air.  Soon I will die.  Do I die in Satan's service or do I die, acknowledging that God is the only one who deserves exclusive devotion.  I suppose I can do so with my actions -- even though I am worthy of death, just one last act to show my thread of decency instead of my coat of stupidity.  Not enough to satisfy God no doubt.  But a personal statement that God had it right all along.

Die with the right understanding and vector pointed in the right direction, albeit too small to make a difference.  I will put on my best and die pointing to God saying, "you had it right all along.  I erred.  I was wrong.  I broke my life and that of others.  I anticipate death at your hand, but it is deserved.  I have failed myself, my family and most of all my God.  You, I have failed.  I accept my death.  It is all that I deserve."

People sometimes say that God will help us do what we need to do.  He will help those who choose to do his will.  I chose poorly.  I deserve nothing but what I anticipate for myself.  Die you idiot, die.

I want to believe that this isn't really necessary.  That somehow, someway I will reconnect, plug in and turn my life around.  I have wasted a million opportunities to do so.  Any moment could be the last one spent for myself instead of for my God.  But I continue to serve my own interests.  I am standing here without my rifle, looking death in the eye.  Hoping it won't hurt too much.  The terror is unwanted, unpleasant, and takes me back to the bad decisions I made that put me here:

1. I went to college
2. I worked for a company which gave me an schedule of moving every 2 years.
3. I went to work w/ SNP
4. I left MKE
5. I left SD
6. I joined the Q
7. I didn't study w/ EVM

I don't think I will think through all those things.  I just will be alone, terrified, and praying sincerely for help reserved for those who did God's will.  Death might be quick, or ugly, or terrifying.  I might drown in the dark, burn or be tortured to death or maybe I'll think I am going to make it for a little while.  And then I will die once I realize all that I have lost.  I wish I controlled the switch.  I do, actually, I am just unwilling to change.  I am unwilling to put God first in my life and do his will now.  That is what he requires.  That is what I am unwilling to do consistently.

How to motivate myself to change?  Same things again SMPS.  How do you do those things without the initial motivation?  H2IK.  I guess that's the danger of Christian kids that don't go anywhere.  They (we) get used to the Christian ideas and it is common expectation to live forever.  From the outside it's a grand goal worth fighting for.  For us it is the normal expectation, except that God won't give it to us if we don't do his will.  So, now, how do we get to the point of realizing this in a material way.  I don't, it still hasn't hit me right.  There's just this notion out there  that someway somehow, I'll make it.  I hate this.  I need help.  I need someone to talk to.  I want them to be nice.  I can't really afford gorgeous but nice & decent, just pretty even if plain.  I could fall in love with that.  And then I would die.  I just hate this.  I can't find the door.  The air is being evacuated.  I will not make it.  I'm crashing. "I am going down."

Dead Battery

The cheese on my board (board cheese?  Hmmm -- sounds a bit stiff.  Better than bored cheese I suppose.  Not sure about bored cheese - as in penetrated like:  with holes.  Does this make it holy cheese?  Hmmmm - where was I anyway) sent me a text today.  It was a "c'mon you can do it, try to keep your head above water, read the bible, be positive, we don't have time for you this weekend" kind of message.  The latter being the kernel of the message which, when read, let me know why he had sent anything at all.

Well, I suppose that's all I deserve, and all I need for that matter, or else God would have given me more.  I am back looking at the escort to give it another try.  I am struggling with several hundred just for the first meeting.  I just don't see any other option that I would be willing to do at this point.  It is like I am stuck.  It is the only thing I keep coming back to.  When it was "on," it was the only thing I was looking forward to.

There is something incredibly ego-boosting about going out with a gorgeous gal.  It is deflating when you have to pay for it, but is still retains a lot of utility.  Worth the cost, no, probably not.  But would I do it anyway?  Oh yea, hell yea.  I don't know how much longer I can keep myself at bay, to be honest.  I looked at the daily scripture that I read about 5% of most days.  (that is I read it 5% of the time, not that I only read a very small fraction of the scripture each day, for those of you who may have been confused) It is basically saying:  If you are trying to serve God, then do that full bore.  Don't get yourself involved in other useless nonsense that doesn't help you get the job done.  Focus on God with as little other distraction as you can possibly manage.

That's good advice.  I went to climb this mountain carrying my camera, video recorder, laptop, Personal flag, 10' flagpole, frozen dinners, microwave, and generator (of course), toothbrush, extra towels (and towel warmer), etc.  .  .  .  You get the idea.  I wanted to serve God while I was in High School but then I decided to go to College, and then get a good job, and then get a car, house, furniture, yard, stuff, and so on.  Never realizing that I was raping my spirituality with all this other garbage.  Now I got it all and I hate it.  I hate that this is how I spent my time.  What a waste.

I just can't break free.  I can't make myself throw it away.  I am bound to this stuff like I have it tied to a rope around my waist.  I can't go anywhere without dragging it around.  I wish I could just jettison the whole bundle,  but life doesn't work like that.  Why can't the board help?  I don't know.  Why doesn't God help?  He has, I just don't want to do what he says I have to do.  I don't hear his voice.  Of course I am sure that if I look closely at myself I will find my index fingers firmly planted in their respective ear canals.  What an idiot I have become; and it is all my own doing.  I could have done better, but I choose to listen to myself instead of God.  Then I showed my child this way of life and he imitated the worst of me.

It seems like hedonism is the best route for me.  I can't make it back to God.  I tried and failed too many times to think that something is going to be different now.  I am no stronger, better, more thoughtful or spiritual than I ever was.  I am just the same selfish bastard I always was, only worse for the years of refuse through which I have been dragged by all the wrong headed decisions I made in my life.  I wish I could just fade to black,  (well I am black already but that's not what I meant.)  I would like to believe, that I could do better, that I could find a way to improve to be a good servant of God,  but it isn't happening.  The run up until about March was the last and best effort I had made.  many months of study meetings prayer and working toward service, and it all fell apart.  I didn't keep it up.  I couldn't / didn't catch fire and the battery ran dead.

I feel like I am waiting to recharge but, the contacts are getting shorted out as I get submerged in water. it's up to my neck.  Before long I will have to tilt my head back and stand on my toes to breath.  I hear that if you breathe the water in sharply, you don't suffer as long.  I have no idea if it is true.  I'm goin' home and will add $$ to this letter I wrote and post it.  I will feel happy for a little while.  I will have something to look forward to.  A possible meeting with a gorgeous gal.  The only thing I have really looked forward to in a long time.

And  then I'm going to send my pic and $$ to match and surf for a date.  It's all  there is left.  I have abandoned God.  Now he has left me to wallow in my own muck.  I have brought this on myself.  I am responsible for this madness.  I have done this to myself.  I am responsible.  I did this.  I will pay for my mistakes.  I will pay with my life.

Never

Am I ready for "The Final Solution"?  I  guess not.  I'm still here right?  I haven't gone out to party city and I don't have a 'hood!

I feel like I am stewing in my own juices though.  I feel bad, sad and lonely all the time now.  There is nothing to look forward to.  It is all just trialsome refuse.  The world is losing all desire, except maybe for sex.  I have been toying with the idea of online dating.  However when this gal showed up on my match what was perfect.  I realized I couldn't sign up to see her because I wouldn't want to put my ugly broken self in front of her and say in effect, how about going out with me?

This chick was all I would have ever wanted. Smart successful pretty and, apparently, looking for someone interested in her.  The realization is that I have nothing to offer this woman.  I would be totally embarrassed present myself to her knowing what a lowlife bottomfeeder I have become.  I think any meeting would turn into another socially disastrous incident leading me to further seclusion over failed attempts to maintain any semblance of a social life.

I  hate what I have turned into.  I can't stand in front of anyone with my head up anymore.  I am totally ashamed of what I have become.  When I think of how I screwed things up with the escort earlier, it just reminds me again of what a total loss my life has become.  It is like there is no meaning left.  No sense of accomplishment or order.  All, everything fades into the same dull grey of insignificance.  Except it is significant and God,  by all of what I understand, will come along and kill me for my inaction in the face of knowledge about his will and purposes.  He is always right and knows how to decide these matters instantly, without the consideration that would otherwise be necessary with human judges.

So when the lightning strikes and I become a lifeless crispy critter, no one can rightly cry foul!  God made the call; he's always right.I am the screw-up here, the one who knows what to do and refuses to do so.  I know enough! Otherwise, God would give me some more information.  I certainly had enough to make the right decision out of High School.  What a different life I could have had.  One of purpose and service to God.  The best life possible.

Instead I spent my life serving myself.  Looking for ways to earn more money, honestly or otherwise.  Seeking my own greediness instead of seeking the interests of others.  Not raising my child correctly which led to his life spinning out of control.   Not to mention my ex-wife who is on her own mad spin, taking my son with her.

All was avoidable.  All was unnecessary, if only I had been more responsible, If only I had truly loved God and done his will.  So will I do the study, meetings prayer and service necessary to get myself back in line with what God expects?  Probably not.  I haven't in the 50+ years I have been alive on a long term and consistent basis.  Could I change?  I suppose so.  Will I change?  Probably not.  I have become an enemy of God.  One to be reserved for adverse judgement whenever the end comes.  And it isn't far off, relatively speaking.  Yes it could be a few seconds days minutes or decades from now.  But if I am found wanting when it does come, as would almost certainly be the case, I will die and God's will will be done without  me around to screw up anymore.

I wanted to be a part of God's new world, but I cannot see myself making it now.  It is like there is just so many barriers to entrance into that world.  I just can't seem to make it.  Never have, probably never will.  Never, Never, Never, Never, Never.