Reject TV Watch

Ultimate Rejection

So I have been looking for women to hang out on a variety of cuddle/snuggle web sites.  They  aren't what you might think.  The product they offer and provide (through what amounts to be independent contractors) is strictly platonic cuddling/snuggling for typically hour long increments.  I have used this service frequently in the past and found it worthwhile.  It is far less expensive than escorts (100 vs 600 per hour) however the providers are few and far between.  Given how picky I am this means there is usually a dearth of providers I'm interested in using.  There are 3 national companies espousing such services.  Thesnugglebuddies.com, cuddlecomfort.com (CC) and cuddlist.com.  If those names aren't exact a google/bing search will get you there. There are other local services but I think those are all the national service distribution points.

OK, on with the story.  I found a new provider that looked perfect about 2 weeks ago.  Joy of joys b/c there aren't many such.  So, I contact, make arrangements but the day before the snugglist drops a couch on her foot. She doesn't get checked out right away but Sunday AM, the day of my appt she is driving over, has to stop to get some ice for her foot, and is in discomfort.  As we are texting this back and forth I tell her to go to the urgent care which she does.

We set up for next week but she goes dark on me until Friday.  Apparently her car broke down driving away from my place the previous Sunday and will cost her 2+ grand to fix. She doesn't blame me for it, just that's what happened.  Then she gets really defensive about rubbing her feet.  Apparently this is a sexual trigger for her and I end up saying like 3 different times,  OK I won't touch your feet, promise!  Well the day comes and she tells me she is 5 minutes late.  Then she will be 15 mins late, then 30 mins late (apparently she had to drop her room mate off somewhere.).  Then she will be another 5 minutes late b/c she turned the wrong way.  I'm just going with the flow "no problem" I text back.

The next text I get says she isn't coming at all.  She says she got here and a really bad feeling came over her, so she just drove away.  I think she blocked my text messages and on the cuddle web site communication facilities.  Totally weird right?  Nope,  I think it is God keeping me safe from her.  Of course after that I watch porn and go crazy looking for some escort to make up for the wasted morning.  But to no avail, again, I think, because God is helping me.  So I pray and thank him for the help.  God apparently knows I can't do this by myself.

So is it really God helping me here, or just the jerk waves that radiate from my being whenever women in whom I have even just a remote interest come near.

TV

I didn't go to the meeting on Saturday.  Time came and I just didn't work up the needed intestinal fortitude (guts) to get into the shower and over to the Khall.   Another meeting is on tap today.  It is a 2 part meeting; I went to one of two parts last week.  I'm aiming to do 2/2 tonight.  I wouldn't be surprised if I miss altogether.  I have my boots and double socks to keep my feet warm.  I have a tie and a correct color shirt.  I even have the right jacket for the weather and formality of the event.  Of course that doesn't mean I'll go, but the lack of any of these items would (and has) been used as an excuse not to go.  I hope (and pray) that I'll make it.  We'll see.  I have to leave work at about 6:00 PM to make it.  (Leaving late is another excuse for not going.)

I saw a tv show about a club of kids growing up. 4 kids in high school is where the meat of the story lies.  Apparently one of the kids gets HIV and shares with the others.  Was it sex with the resident HS stud muffin (HSSM), IV drug use of one of the hotties?  It turns out that the good girl (had sex with the HSSM) got HIV as well.  Also the gay guy who may have shared it with his boy friend, no one knows who to blame (but that doesn't stop them from blaming someone.) Everybody cries.  NG, a very sobering ending to an otherwise trite teen angst movie.   I actually think about that now as I peruse the escort web sites.  Its getting harder to pull the trigger.

Reinstatement Watch

So my son is hoping to get reinstated soon.  He tried a month ago but got turned down.  He was kind of bummed about it.  He will try again soon.  Basically wait 2 months and then try again.  That is surprising since he only quit doin' the nasty back in November.  But he is optimistic.  I don't have that kind of optimism.  I did the escort thing again in mid Feb.  Two escorts back to back.  One was really poor, the other was really good.  I didn't have a great time with either but at least I enjoyed the latter quite a bit.  Of course that pushes soonest possible reinstatement into the fall.  After the obligatory first rejection I'll could try again in the winter, after a year has gone by.  Maybe then.  I honestly think they will want a full year to go by before they will believe that I'm sincere.  So Winter 2020.  Maybe 2/20/2020 I'll get back in, (presuming the way is still open then).  What a wreck my life has become.

The one good thing about almost having a woman come over is that I did get the place relatively straightened.  The place is neater than it has ever been in the last 2.5 years at least.  It hasn't helped my motivation any.  I am still the slack dog I have been for the last 12 years or so.  Oh my goodness, I so hate what I have become.  I am so ashamed, I grieve my loss of life, of time, of respectability, of decency, of opportunity to serve God.  There is no hope for me on this path.  But how do I get off it?  They say Study Meetings Prayer & Service (SMP&S.)  Well I can and have been doing SMP.  But the problem is that I mix a little porn into the mix which is like a reaction poison.  I can't get anywhere watching that sh*t.

I did a quick bing search for JW Reinstatement letters.  I found a bunch of information including a template for a brief but seemingly complete letter.  It nicely states the purpose and lists the "accomplishments" in a succinct way.  It has a little flowery language that doesn't sound like me "bring praise to his name."  I got rid of that.  I don't know if that is what they look for, but I hope not.  I just want to do like he tells me to b/c he is the one that has a right to tell me what to do and to expect compliance on multiple valid levels.   If behavior brings praise to his name and that is what he wants, then all the better.  Anyway I spent a lot of time on that and was feeling good.  It feels like I might be turning a corner.  Actually making that decision to do God's will rather than my own.  That coupled with what appears to be clear assistance from God lately and I got all fired up.

Of course the king of spiritual screw-ups would have to mess this up right?  Yes, you are so correct.  I immediately turned to the web and started looking for one last hook-up.  I have one message out and waiting for a reply.  I expect nothing, or at best a rejection, but hopefully nothing will come of it.  The best  I can hope for is to "just" miss the meeting again.  Dumb-*ss.

So I spent the train ride home, much of the non-sleeping time yesterday evening, and then again this morning (at home) and on the train ride in, looking for, reaching out to (via email and text) a provider for sometime this week.  So far nothing has hit but there are still one or two requests outstanding that might.  Honestly I think I am going to die for sure.  I just cannot force myself to stop this.  It's like I decide not to do it anymore and then boom, there I go again, on the sites running queries, looking for candidates.

The only thing that seems to be helping is how very selective I am.  The ones I like are so very expensive.  I just can't do that.  There are a few mid range candidates and every now and again I see a bargain come through.  They are hard to arrange b/c they are pretty busy and they often don't stay in town long, or their rates don't stay low for very long.  But of course that is all good b/c none of this is good for me.  It is absolutely killing me.  On a positive note I got another rejection while writing this.  But there is still I think one outstanding request that could hit.  If it does, I'm a goner.

So sitting back and thinking a bit, there are only really two that I am interested in seeing now.  They have both rejected my initial outreach.  Of course, being the king of spiritual stupidity, I reached back out to one of the people that rejected me and suggested an alternative.  So I don't know what will happen there.

I mean, this is so difficult to deal with.  I have no friends, none, zip, nada, goose egg, zero, zilch, zed, etc.  .  .  .   These escorts are my only outlet to the real world of human interaction on a social level.  I already know that there is virtually no one here at work that I can engage pleasantly on a regular basis.  Which means that apart from the rather unpleasant work interaction, I got no one to talk to.   And I have to keep this up for a year in order to ask to be reinstated with any real hope of a positive response.  I honestly don't think I can do that.  Of course with God, all things are possible.   However God's patience is not infinite.  I wouldn't be surprised if his patience with me has run out.  I expect that it will if it hasn't already done so.

Meeting my Needs

So I didn't get enough sleep last night.  And sure enough it is 1:30 in the afternoon and I am pulling my hair out b/c I am so dang tired and sleepy.  I can hardly keep my eyes open.  I can't tell you how many errors I have fixed just in these first few sentences of this post.

I am glad I have a "standing" desk so if I really get bad off I can just elevate the desk and go from there.   I can tell I'm going to need to do this sooner rather than later.  I found myself sleep typing on that last sentence.  That is when you already have figured out what you are going to say all the way to then next period, so your brain goes to sleep while your fingers type.  By time you get to then end of the sentence you have to wake yourself back up to figure out what the next sentence is going to be.
I am all up in the air on how to deal with this.   For now I am going to take a walk and get another ice water drink.  We'll see how that works out.

So I went looking at Maslow's hierarchy of needs.  I heard it stated recently that the way we respond to stimuli  is a reaction to filling our unmet need.  I think that is why I sometimes want to act like a know it all because I want to be respected.  But I usually end up making people respect me less b/c I reflect the fact that I don't know what I am talking about.  I just make myself look stupid.

I did have a big lunch, 1/2 BLT and 1/2 Bowl of chili plus chips.  I am sure that is part of the problem.

So I took an Adderall when I started feeling really sleepy about 1/2 hour ago.  I actually feel a little better now.  It's not that I feel good, just less bad, less sleepy, a little less lethargic than before.  Good stuff.  Let me mark that down in the Good Drugs category.  Got to get me some more o-dees.

So I was just reading how Isaiah never saw the fulfillment of God's prophecies.  So while I am tired of wading through this damaging world, tired of being kicked and punished, I know that others have suffered far worse.  It is just that those who are close to God can rely on others of the same faith to provide support and encouragement.  I can get the same and more for just 400 - 600+ USD per hour.

First world problem.  Even though the need for belonging is in the middle of the hierarchy.  Security of income is even lower.  I always feel this is at risk, for reasons that I won't go into here.

I told a female friend of mine that she appeared in a sex dream I had recently.  She hasn't responded.  I should start calling her a female former acquaintance.  I think she got really pissed.  I mean it wasn't a really explicit dream, but it was most definitely a sex dream.  I know it was stupid of me to do that, but really our relationship had decayed into exchanging emails once every other quarter or so.  We never talk verbally or even IM.  She was someone I used to be in love with way back in college.  But that is water under the bridge now.  I think my email address has been blocked in all her accounts.

I have a tentative date with a cuddlist on Sunday.  I tried to contact her on Wednesday to confirm.  Still haven't heard back from her.  I suppose I should call it VERY tentative now.  Crap!  She seemed like a really nice person.  Don't know how she figured out I am such a jerk.  I guess she sensed the jerk waves coming off my text message.  Got to figure out how to keep that in check.

Still Hating

I felt really awful yesterday evening.  Tinnitus ringing loudly.  I was hungry as all get-out and I felt really tired.  I went to the meeting anyway.  I only stayed for the first hour though.  I missed the last 20 minutes or so of the portion of the meeting I attended due to sleep sitting.  I really don't know how to fix that.  I will try to go home right on time tonight.  Leave maybe at 6:00 to be sure I get home by 7:30 PM.

I get so very much sleep on the weekend, I can't imagine why I am so very sleepy on Monday evening.  Just something I have to live with until I figure it out I guess.  Definitely a first world problem.  Why am I complaining.

The truth seems to be drifting away like a distant memory now.  The ideas of making i into the new system are fading.  They still come up in dreams but, that is all it is, just a dream.  I don't want to go away and be killed but looking at my record I don't see myself avoiding it.  Life is just constant pain of knowing that I am a failure and that nothing I can do makes any difference, well except the money I give.  I just hope I can keep doing that.  That is all the good I do, really.

I had dinner with my son again this evening.  He got married to someone I don't really like much, but he tied the knot.  He knew I wouldn't approve so he didn't bother inviting me to the ceremony.  I don't even know when it was exactly.

I am so very tired right now.  I don't understand why.  It is like I am sleep writing.  My eyelids are heavy and I just hope no one comes up to my cube b/c I look so tired that I know that I would be unable to look at a visitor without them knowing that I was half asleep or crying.  But fortunately I am not well liked by my colleagues.  I don't get many visitors.  I am an lonely ugly and fat old black man.  And I am so embarrassed to admit that.  The trouble is that it is all true.

I hate myself just so very much.  Suicide appears to be a really viable option now.  I can't recover from my depression.  I know that my record of serving God is really poor.  Armageddon is coming.  I know being killed by God may be a very torturous experience.  So why not control how I die.

Well, Idiot, it is because you dedicated your life to God.  Your life is not your own to take away.  For as long as you draw breath, you owe it all to Him.  Well, dear reader, you know how the rest of this goes, around and around.  It is just shit.

I just caught myself sleep sitting again.  Just for a few seconds this time.  Next time will probably be a little longer.  So this is my day.  Over and over again I go to work, address very tedious issues that I don't really enjoy.  I get shit on by other people and ignored by the rest, sometimes actively so.

I'm done.  Got to try and work a bit more before COB.  I am sleep sitting some more.  Don't know what is going on.  Why am I so very tired.

How Else Can I Describe Another Terrible Post

Every post, just more frustration, more bad news.  I really can't handle this which is why I am slowly going crazy.  I find myself talking to myself when I am walking the city streets.  Right now it is just a sentence or two.  But It is getting worse.

I found out I have some serious kidney issues.  As usual I am just turning away from the problem rather than facing it.

Tried to set up a meeting with a provider today.  It didn't work out.  Her hotel was inconveniently located so I couldn't easily get there.  Seemed like a nice gal.  Very pretty as far as I could tell.  It is crazy that I keep reaching out but can't get anywhere.  Of course it is a good thing.  Every time plans fall through I thank God that they did b/c I know that this is a bad thing that I am trying to do.

However I also know that God will not continue to keep me from hurting myself indefinitely.

Weekend is coming up tomorrow.  I'm going to try again to get to the meeting on Saturday.  I don't know if I will make it but I'm going to try again. After that there's shopping, mailing the key and a fet other things.

Need to get back to doing the WT on Sunday mornings.  The deacons will ask about that and probably won't let me back in until I am doing the WT.   So I'll try to integrate this into my study plans.

I had been doing well reading on the train coming in, at lunch and then going home.  I forgot my book on Wednesday and that threw everything off.  I will have to work hard to get back on schedule.  Maybe this isn't the week to try and do the WT.  We'll see.  I wouldn't be surprised if I end up laying around the house all weekend watching tv and eating pizza.

I am so often pausing and just feeling this deep seething hatred for myself.  This is an absolute loathing of the man I have become.  It is not just in all the ways I fall short of the goals I set for myself, it is just how wrong the goals were in the first place.  I think about the good advice I got from some and how I ignored it.

My day to day life just hurts.  No I'm not hungry, and I don't usually get beaten, but the mental anguish of knowing what a failure I am coupled with the true understanding that it is my fault.  I had the knowledge to do the right thing, just not the wisdom.  And once on that road I have been unable to find a useable exit.  I know it must exist, God doesn't require the impossible.

Well it's a long day and it is just about over.  I think about suicide often now.  I dread every day.  It seems like things just keep getting worse.  I can't make it better no matter what I do.  I am running way low on energy to do anything differently.  Everything just feels badly.  I only have death to look forward to based on my current situation.  Maybe there is time to make it back to God's company but I just don't see myself putting forth that kind of consistent effort.
 

Another Bad Day

In the last few days I have been struggling to not engage a provider again.  I certainly would have failed were it not for God's influence.  Ok well I believe that even though I suspect most readers would now.

Depression, my closest companion over the last 14 years, has reared its ugly head.  It is hard for me to get out of bed, such that it is, on time.  Even then it is hard to get ready within the allotted time frame.  Oh and it is getting really hard just to do work while I am at work.  I feel overwhelmed and just don't want to do anything.

So last  Monday I engaged a provider again.  It was a very memorable session.  One that resets the clock on getting back in to the organization.  Deep sadness, and that perverse thought process:  "Well I'm broke now, might as well live it up!"

So I have been on line all this past weekend looking for and making offers to providers.  I have decided that 600 is the limit for engaging a companion.  I see some reasonably intelligent people available for 400 potentially, but none of them in town currently.

I am at work, burned out from morning meetings and too tired to pick up the banner and march forward again.  Sh*t, IHMS, IHMSSFM.  I feel like the bottom has fallen out of my life.  It has ya know.  So I feel tired and sleepy and just awful now.

I am out of my depression medication but I should have a refill at the pharmacist.  The last time I was there the doc prescribed a low dose of Adderall.  (Don't know a thing about the stuff, other than there is a movie with the name in it.  Movie doesn't seem too flattering toward the medication.)

Speaking of Movies I saw Apostate (Apostacy?) is out in Netflix.  Movie about a JW with a family member gets df'd.  (I suppose it  is df'd and not declared apostate but then why the name, so I don't know.)  I am so curious to see it.  I almost am 100% sure they get a lot of stuff wrong.  I didn't see any obvious issues in the trailer, but we'll see.  It should be interesting seeing it from my own perspective since I am df.  But I am rather sure I deserved it.  I can't say for sure that I was unrepentant, but that doesn't mean I didn't deserve what happened.  So I won't watch it with a lot of sympathy for he one who got df'd in the movie.

I guess overall it is probably really bad press for JW's b/c people will watch it to learn about JW's.  It is like learning about marriage by watching Kramer vs. Kramer.

In the mean time I keep plodding along, putting one foot in front of another.  Constant feeling of crushing emptiness and uselessness as I contemplate how empty my life is.  How much I don't like who I am.  How useless I feel because I wasted my youth and I continue to waste my life now.  How I am bound and tied to this life of chasing tail and trying to take care of my dwindling possessions.  I feel constant exhaustion, even after long weekends where I sit around and do nothing.

I have been praying a few times today for help getting to the meeting tonight.  I wore my boots and double socks so my feet stay warm in the Hall.  I have a light colored shirt and a couple of ties to choose from.  I should go but I am feeling so badly now I am not certain that I will.  Maybe time for another prayer.

I

I, I, I, I, I.  Almost every paragraph begins with "I".  I suppose that's  normal, but it is not who I want to be.  I'd like to be focused on God.  Or at least not so self centered.  I suppose if I had more oh, wait, scratch that .  .  . at least one friend then I might not be so self centered.  I should be able to say that I have God as a friend, but I know that is not true.  I don't do his will enough to think that I might be counted as his friend.  In actual fact the earthly organization he uses today decided to hand me over to Satan.  Nope, I'm not a friend of God.

It's 1:30 and I'm about to fall off my chair I am so sleepy.  I guess it is the digestion thing.  Brain is blood starved as my stomach takes first place in its command for the bloodstream resources.  Damn I sure hope the tummy finishes its digestion process very soon.  I'm seeing double (occasionally) now.

Wow, I actually skipped a day without posting even a paragraph to my depressing (depression) blog.  But here I am again.  Feeling like sh*t and ready to post some more.  More drivel about how lousy my day is going, how badly I feel and how I can't seem to do anything about it.  I'd be so bored with this if I wasn't living it every day.  I just can't seem to break out of this prison.

Started reading Isaiah.  Did the first 2 chapters.  66 in total, Waugh.  Will I ever finish?  It was all about how bad Judah had become.  It reminds me of myself of course.

OMG this is bad.  This can't work thing is starting to stretch out into several days.  I don't know what I am going to do.  I have to think of something.  Of course I want to reach out to one of the escorts I used to use.  She is in town next week.  All my interactions with this escort have been strictly social.  She is a really nice gal.  I really could fall in love with her but I know it wouldn't work out.

The down side of doing that is that I would be reaching into Satan's world to satisfy that need instead of waiting on God.  Now given the fact that in being df'd I was handed over to Satan, I think it is a matter of just using the resources at hand to satisfy a legitimate need.  Right not I am not dying for companionship as is sometimes the case so I'm not going to do anything at this point.  Of course that could change at any moment.

Well it's about 6:00 pm and I just sent a note to my escort for a dinner meeting.  2 hours public only interaction.  Probably a mistake .  .  .   OK definitely a mistake!

Love God

I'm tired.  I slept probably 9 hours last night.  Its only 5:00 PM and I am still just so tired.  Typical depression situation.  I should call the doctor (I think I'm gonna crash, Doctor said he's commin' but you gotta' pay him cash .  .  .  but I digress.)  Seriously though, I'm on my depression medication and I feel really depressed right now.  Sh*t, this is not good (ng.)

I am hanging out here at work, just dealing with a couple of small things here and there.  I just can't work very hard for very long anymore.  I just stop and look into space for minutes.  Then I get distracted by the internet news, then by my thirst, then by my blog.  Crap.

Another worthless weekend.  Didn't even get the laundry done.  Or pick up the laundry.  How can I be so inept?

Damn-it.  It is  happening again.  It is only noon and I feel really sleepy already.  This always used to happen when I was bad of a year or two ago.  Honestly I can barely keep my eyes open.  Why???

Just ate lunch,  again, sleepy, sleepy.  Want to curl up and go to bed.  Again I got 8+ hours of sleep last night.  If I'm not careful depression is taking on the appearance of a grim reaper when it comes to my employment.  Oh my goodness, this is getting really bad.  Maybe I'm just really sick.  Maybe I'm dying and I don't yet know that by which I am doomed.  Headache starting again.

I am trying to psyche myself up to get to the meeting tonight.  Forgot my tie again.  But I have a spare in the office.  I better pack it now lest I forget.  OK, that's done (literally.) Now let's see if I actually get to the meeting tonight.  Weather is warm.  No excuses.  Of course I don't need an excuse to miss the meeting.  Witness yesterday and the day before!  I am really hopeless.

It's about 4:30 and I'm stressing out about going to the meeting now.  I think I am going to go but I know how easy it is for me to flake out.  There is a lot of time left for me to do that.  We'll see .  .  .


Well I did actually go to the meeting.  The last part was really difficult, I couldn't tell what they were talking about, or even where they were reading,.  I was just so tired and sleepy.  No one talked to me.  I don't know if they were just afraid to come near or what.  Given how people recoiled the last time I was at this meeting I wouldn't be surprised if word got around and nobody wanted to come near.  I always feel bad at the meetings now.  The last time I was there was just so demeaning.  Of course my behavior is what led to my status so they had good reason to treat me the way they did.  But it was really difficult to see someone jump back in shock and horror when I told them my status.  It shouldn't be a big deal band honestly I am surprised it made such an impression.  I usually don't get so bent out of shape.  But oh well.  There it is .  .  .

I'm still trying to work through my difficulties getting work done.  I have to go home early today just to pick up laundry that I didn't get over the weekend.  (Such slackness is legion.)   What a sh*t I am.  I really hate myself (IHMS).  I just don't see a way out of this.  One more year of shunning in dfment. If I make it through that alive and haven't been killed by God, then there is the process of reinstatement that will be long and tortuous since I have such little trust in the deacons.  I will be very suspicious of any questions or issues they raise.  I have already been thinking of how to deal with this:

1. Record the Meeting
2. Answer only the question specifically
3. Questions like how did you .  .  .  are responded only with answers like "With God's help", or "By relying on God", or "Because God assisted me."
4. Questions about my misdeads while out I'll just try not to answer by saying "I don't remember" which I probably won't.  or "That was a year ago, I don't see the relevance of my misdeads for which I am sorry."  or "Look, I don't do that stuff anymore, why are you making me remember that?"

I know it will take a number of tries to come back.  I figure 1 month between requests should be sufficient.

Then I walk around restricted for another year, can't answer at meetings.  Of course that is not so bad since everyone knows already that I am suspect anyway.  Anyone coming back from df is considered suspect for a while.

Then they let me answer a question or so but I'm still on the crap list for another year even after that.  Then after all the restrictions are taken off people will still touch me with no less than 5' poles until they see someone else unquestionably spiritual treat me like a human again.  So all that with the normal setbacks I figure will take at least 3 years but probably more like 5 or 6 in actual fact.

Is it worth it, hell yea.  How else will I escape from hell.  It is depressing to think about what the next several years will be like (at best.)  No wonder I am so depressed.  OMG, this is so awful.  Not the worst outcome certainly, but it is really depressing to think about.

Oh, yea.  and I have no one but myself to rightfully blame for all this.  It's really all my fault.  If I just loved God more.