In the last few days I have been struggling to not engage a provider again. I certainly would have failed were it not for God's influence. Ok well I believe that even though I suspect most readers would now.
Depression, my closest companion over the last 14 years, has reared its ugly head. It is hard for me to get out of bed, such that it is, on time. Even then it is hard to get ready within the allotted time frame. Oh and it is getting really hard just to do work while I am at work. I feel overwhelmed and just don't want to do anything.
So last Monday I engaged a provider again. It was a very memorable session. One that resets the clock on getting back in to the organization. Deep sadness, and that perverse thought process: "Well I'm broke now, might as well live it up!"
So I have been on line all this past weekend looking for and making offers to providers. I have decided that 600 is the limit for engaging a companion. I see some reasonably intelligent people available for 400 potentially, but none of them in town currently.
I am at work, burned out from morning meetings and too tired to pick up the banner and march forward again. Sh*t, IHMS, IHMSSFM. I feel like the bottom has fallen out of my life. It has ya know. So I feel tired and sleepy and just awful now.
I am out of my depression medication but I should have a refill at the pharmacist. The last time I was there the doc prescribed a low dose of Adderall. (Don't know a thing about the stuff, other than there is a movie with the name in it. Movie doesn't seem too flattering toward the medication.)
Speaking of Movies I saw Apostate (Apostacy?) is out in Netflix. Movie about a JW with a family member gets df'd. (I suppose it is df'd and not declared apostate but then why the name, so I don't know.) I am so curious to see it. I almost am 100% sure they get a lot of stuff wrong. I didn't see any obvious issues in the trailer, but we'll see. It should be interesting seeing it from my own perspective since I am df. But I am rather sure I deserved it. I can't say for sure that I was unrepentant, but that doesn't mean I didn't deserve what happened. So I won't watch it with a lot of sympathy for he one who got df'd in the movie.
I guess overall it is probably really bad press for JW's b/c people will watch it to learn about JW's. It is like learning about marriage by watching Kramer vs. Kramer.
In the mean time I keep plodding along, putting one foot in front of another. Constant feeling of crushing emptiness and uselessness as I contemplate how empty my life is. How much I don't like who I am. How useless I feel because I wasted my youth and I continue to waste my life now. How I am bound and tied to this life of chasing tail and trying to take care of my dwindling possessions. I feel constant exhaustion, even after long weekends where I sit around and do nothing.
I have been praying a few times today for help getting to the meeting tonight. I wore my boots and double socks so my feet stay warm in the Hall. I have a light colored shirt and a couple of ties to choose from. I should go but I am feeling so badly now I am not certain that I will. Maybe time for another prayer.
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