Every post, just more frustration, more bad news. I really can't handle this which is why I am slowly going crazy. I find myself talking to myself when I am walking the city streets. Right now it is just a sentence or two. But It is getting worse.
I found out I have some serious kidney issues. As usual I am just turning away from the problem rather than facing it.
Tried to set up a meeting with a provider today. It didn't work out. Her hotel was inconveniently located so I couldn't easily get there. Seemed like a nice gal. Very pretty as far as I could tell. It is crazy that I keep reaching out but can't get anywhere. Of course it is a good thing. Every time plans fall through I thank God that they did b/c I know that this is a bad thing that I am trying to do.
However I also know that God will not continue to keep me from hurting myself indefinitely.
Weekend is coming up tomorrow. I'm going to try again to get to the meeting on Saturday. I don't know if I will make it but I'm going to try again. After that there's shopping, mailing the key and a fet other things.
Need to get back to doing the WT on Sunday mornings. The deacons will ask about that and probably won't let me back in until I am doing the WT. So I'll try to integrate this into my study plans.
I had been doing well reading on the train coming in, at lunch and then going home. I forgot my book on Wednesday and that threw everything off. I will have to work hard to get back on schedule. Maybe this isn't the week to try and do the WT. We'll see. I wouldn't be surprised if I end up laying around the house all weekend watching tv and eating pizza.
I am so often pausing and just feeling this deep seething hatred for myself. This is an absolute loathing of the man I have become. It is not just in all the ways I fall short of the goals I set for myself, it is just how wrong the goals were in the first place. I think about the good advice I got from some and how I ignored it.
My day to day life just hurts. No I'm not hungry, and I don't usually get beaten, but the mental anguish of knowing what a failure I am coupled with the true understanding that it is my fault. I had the knowledge to do the right thing, just not the wisdom. And once on that road I have been unable to find a useable exit. I know it must exist, God doesn't require the impossible.
Well it's a long day and it is just about over. I think about suicide often now. I dread every day. It seems like things just keep getting worse. I can't make it better no matter what I do. I am running way low on energy to do anything differently. Everything just feels badly. I only have death to look forward to based on my current situation. Maybe there is time to make it back to God's company but I just don't see myself putting forth that kind of consistent effort.
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