Still Hating

I felt really awful yesterday evening.  Tinnitus ringing loudly.  I was hungry as all get-out and I felt really tired.  I went to the meeting anyway.  I only stayed for the first hour though.  I missed the last 20 minutes or so of the portion of the meeting I attended due to sleep sitting.  I really don't know how to fix that.  I will try to go home right on time tonight.  Leave maybe at 6:00 to be sure I get home by 7:30 PM.

I get so very much sleep on the weekend, I can't imagine why I am so very sleepy on Monday evening.  Just something I have to live with until I figure it out I guess.  Definitely a first world problem.  Why am I complaining.

The truth seems to be drifting away like a distant memory now.  The ideas of making i into the new system are fading.  They still come up in dreams but, that is all it is, just a dream.  I don't want to go away and be killed but looking at my record I don't see myself avoiding it.  Life is just constant pain of knowing that I am a failure and that nothing I can do makes any difference, well except the money I give.  I just hope I can keep doing that.  That is all the good I do, really.

I had dinner with my son again this evening.  He got married to someone I don't really like much, but he tied the knot.  He knew I wouldn't approve so he didn't bother inviting me to the ceremony.  I don't even know when it was exactly.

I am so very tired right now.  I don't understand why.  It is like I am sleep writing.  My eyelids are heavy and I just hope no one comes up to my cube b/c I look so tired that I know that I would be unable to look at a visitor without them knowing that I was half asleep or crying.  But fortunately I am not well liked by my colleagues.  I don't get many visitors.  I am an lonely ugly and fat old black man.  And I am so embarrassed to admit that.  The trouble is that it is all true.

I hate myself just so very much.  Suicide appears to be a really viable option now.  I can't recover from my depression.  I know that my record of serving God is really poor.  Armageddon is coming.  I know being killed by God may be a very torturous experience.  So why not control how I die.

Well, Idiot, it is because you dedicated your life to God.  Your life is not your own to take away.  For as long as you draw breath, you owe it all to Him.  Well, dear reader, you know how the rest of this goes, around and around.  It is just shit.

I just caught myself sleep sitting again.  Just for a few seconds this time.  Next time will probably be a little longer.  So this is my day.  Over and over again I go to work, address very tedious issues that I don't really enjoy.  I get shit on by other people and ignored by the rest, sometimes actively so.

I'm done.  Got to try and work a bit more before COB.  I am sleep sitting some more.  Don't know what is going on.  Why am I so very tired.