Reject TV Watch

Ultimate Rejection

So I have been looking for women to hang out on a variety of cuddle/snuggle web sites.  They  aren't what you might think.  The product they offer and provide (through what amounts to be independent contractors) is strictly platonic cuddling/snuggling for typically hour long increments.  I have used this service frequently in the past and found it worthwhile.  It is far less expensive than escorts (100 vs 600 per hour) however the providers are few and far between.  Given how picky I am this means there is usually a dearth of providers I'm interested in using.  There are 3 national companies espousing such services.  Thesnugglebuddies.com, cuddlecomfort.com (CC) and cuddlist.com.  If those names aren't exact a google/bing search will get you there. There are other local services but I think those are all the national service distribution points.

OK, on with the story.  I found a new provider that looked perfect about 2 weeks ago.  Joy of joys b/c there aren't many such.  So, I contact, make arrangements but the day before the snugglist drops a couch on her foot. She doesn't get checked out right away but Sunday AM, the day of my appt she is driving over, has to stop to get some ice for her foot, and is in discomfort.  As we are texting this back and forth I tell her to go to the urgent care which she does.

We set up for next week but she goes dark on me until Friday.  Apparently her car broke down driving away from my place the previous Sunday and will cost her 2+ grand to fix. She doesn't blame me for it, just that's what happened.  Then she gets really defensive about rubbing her feet.  Apparently this is a sexual trigger for her and I end up saying like 3 different times,  OK I won't touch your feet, promise!  Well the day comes and she tells me she is 5 minutes late.  Then she will be 15 mins late, then 30 mins late (apparently she had to drop her room mate off somewhere.).  Then she will be another 5 minutes late b/c she turned the wrong way.  I'm just going with the flow "no problem" I text back.

The next text I get says she isn't coming at all.  She says she got here and a really bad feeling came over her, so she just drove away.  I think she blocked my text messages and on the cuddle web site communication facilities.  Totally weird right?  Nope,  I think it is God keeping me safe from her.  Of course after that I watch porn and go crazy looking for some escort to make up for the wasted morning.  But to no avail, again, I think, because God is helping me.  So I pray and thank him for the help.  God apparently knows I can't do this by myself.

So is it really God helping me here, or just the jerk waves that radiate from my being whenever women in whom I have even just a remote interest come near.

TV

I didn't go to the meeting on Saturday.  Time came and I just didn't work up the needed intestinal fortitude (guts) to get into the shower and over to the Khall.   Another meeting is on tap today.  It is a 2 part meeting; I went to one of two parts last week.  I'm aiming to do 2/2 tonight.  I wouldn't be surprised if I miss altogether.  I have my boots and double socks to keep my feet warm.  I have a tie and a correct color shirt.  I even have the right jacket for the weather and formality of the event.  Of course that doesn't mean I'll go, but the lack of any of these items would (and has) been used as an excuse not to go.  I hope (and pray) that I'll make it.  We'll see.  I have to leave work at about 6:00 PM to make it.  (Leaving late is another excuse for not going.)

I saw a tv show about a club of kids growing up. 4 kids in high school is where the meat of the story lies.  Apparently one of the kids gets HIV and shares with the others.  Was it sex with the resident HS stud muffin (HSSM), IV drug use of one of the hotties?  It turns out that the good girl (had sex with the HSSM) got HIV as well.  Also the gay guy who may have shared it with his boy friend, no one knows who to blame (but that doesn't stop them from blaming someone.) Everybody cries.  NG, a very sobering ending to an otherwise trite teen angst movie.   I actually think about that now as I peruse the escort web sites.  Its getting harder to pull the trigger.

Reinstatement Watch

So my son is hoping to get reinstated soon.  He tried a month ago but got turned down.  He was kind of bummed about it.  He will try again soon.  Basically wait 2 months and then try again.  That is surprising since he only quit doin' the nasty back in November.  But he is optimistic.  I don't have that kind of optimism.  I did the escort thing again in mid Feb.  Two escorts back to back.  One was really poor, the other was really good.  I didn't have a great time with either but at least I enjoyed the latter quite a bit.  Of course that pushes soonest possible reinstatement into the fall.  After the obligatory first rejection I'll could try again in the winter, after a year has gone by.  Maybe then.  I honestly think they will want a full year to go by before they will believe that I'm sincere.  So Winter 2020.  Maybe 2/20/2020 I'll get back in, (presuming the way is still open then).  What a wreck my life has become.

The one good thing about almost having a woman come over is that I did get the place relatively straightened.  The place is neater than it has ever been in the last 2.5 years at least.  It hasn't helped my motivation any.  I am still the slack dog I have been for the last 12 years or so.  Oh my goodness, I so hate what I have become.  I am so ashamed, I grieve my loss of life, of time, of respectability, of decency, of opportunity to serve God.  There is no hope for me on this path.  But how do I get off it?  They say Study Meetings Prayer & Service (SMP&S.)  Well I can and have been doing SMP.  But the problem is that I mix a little porn into the mix which is like a reaction poison.  I can't get anywhere watching that sh*t.

I did a quick bing search for JW Reinstatement letters.  I found a bunch of information including a template for a brief but seemingly complete letter.  It nicely states the purpose and lists the "accomplishments" in a succinct way.  It has a little flowery language that doesn't sound like me "bring praise to his name."  I got rid of that.  I don't know if that is what they look for, but I hope not.  I just want to do like he tells me to b/c he is the one that has a right to tell me what to do and to expect compliance on multiple valid levels.   If behavior brings praise to his name and that is what he wants, then all the better.  Anyway I spent a lot of time on that and was feeling good.  It feels like I might be turning a corner.  Actually making that decision to do God's will rather than my own.  That coupled with what appears to be clear assistance from God lately and I got all fired up.

Of course the king of spiritual screw-ups would have to mess this up right?  Yes, you are so correct.  I immediately turned to the web and started looking for one last hook-up.  I have one message out and waiting for a reply.  I expect nothing, or at best a rejection, but hopefully nothing will come of it.  The best  I can hope for is to "just" miss the meeting again.  Dumb-*ss.

So I spent the train ride home, much of the non-sleeping time yesterday evening, and then again this morning (at home) and on the train ride in, looking for, reaching out to (via email and text) a provider for sometime this week.  So far nothing has hit but there are still one or two requests outstanding that might.  Honestly I think I am going to die for sure.  I just cannot force myself to stop this.  It's like I decide not to do it anymore and then boom, there I go again, on the sites running queries, looking for candidates.

The only thing that seems to be helping is how very selective I am.  The ones I like are so very expensive.  I just can't do that.  There are a few mid range candidates and every now and again I see a bargain come through.  They are hard to arrange b/c they are pretty busy and they often don't stay in town long, or their rates don't stay low for very long.  But of course that is all good b/c none of this is good for me.  It is absolutely killing me.  On a positive note I got another rejection while writing this.  But there is still I think one outstanding request that could hit.  If it does, I'm a goner.

So sitting back and thinking a bit, there are only really two that I am interested in seeing now.  They have both rejected my initial outreach.  Of course, being the king of spiritual stupidity, I reached back out to one of the people that rejected me and suggested an alternative.  So I don't know what will happen there.

I mean, this is so difficult to deal with.  I have no friends, none, zip, nada, goose egg, zero, zilch, zed, etc.  .  .  .   These escorts are my only outlet to the real world of human interaction on a social level.  I already know that there is virtually no one here at work that I can engage pleasantly on a regular basis.  Which means that apart from the rather unpleasant work interaction, I got no one to talk to.   And I have to keep this up for a year in order to ask to be reinstated with any real hope of a positive response.  I honestly don't think I can do that.  Of course with God, all things are possible.   However God's patience is not infinite.  I wouldn't be surprised if his patience with me has run out.  I expect that it will if it hasn't already done so.