So many issues, so much embarrassment. I really dislike many aspects of this job. Everyone else here seems to love it. I just can't seem to get along with everyone. I want to do a good job but it is so difficult b/c I am not as smart as everyone around me. People look at me like I am stupid, dull and slow. They seem to tolerate me rather than to respect any contribution that I make.
I get respect from WiPro. The people there love me and think I am doing a great job, in spite of my weaknesses. But they are our vendors, not anyone who can positively influence my standing with CAQH.
The guys from PWC, Oh my goodness they walk around here like they own the place. They are viewed with Awesome resources by many. I think they stink. Their customer service is awful. They take way too long to do anything. Their coding practices are terrible. They employ young developers who are learning and their code shows it.
But they are deep and they can get virtually anything done we have needed. It just costs way, way too much.
I am reaching a turning point, I hope. I am starting to realize that I really must stop associating with these providers. I can't even go out to dinner with them. When the hearings start up again they will ask:
1. When was the last time you fornicated
2. When is the last time you even visited a provider,
3. When is the last time you looked at porn
4. When is the last time you looked at porn'ish TV
If I don't answer 1 year to at least the first three questions I believe they will deny my request for reinstatement. So I'm aiming for a spring 2020 reinstatement.
I mean it's not just a matter of passing their test. This is what I need to do to meet God's requirements. Even listening to the rock I used to is the kind of "association" that pulls me back to the sh*t I'm trying to get away from. If I keep doing like the TV and music that I know I need to quit, I will end up going back to the porn and providers I love so much. We are what we feed our minds.
I mean I don't really think I'm going to make it. I have failed too many times to believe that I will ever change. I certainly know that change of this magnitude is possible with God's help. I just don't think I can keep God's requirements and mandated practices long enough to get those kind of results. Not that I don't want to, but I never have before and God has been there all along offering me his assistance. And I failed to take it. I don't see myself as being so different now that I can make the needed changes.
That's not to say I plan to stop trying. I'll try to keep it up, I just think I will fail sooner rather than later.
Sh*t, I am so unhappy. Every day is just another bout of unhappiness.
Well it is Days after I wrote the above. I am still in a funk. I avoided seeing a provider earlier this week by the skin of my teeth. I don't want to see a provider in a macro sense but at any relatively microscopic point in time I do and will set it up. Then as the microscopic speck passes I regret it and pray that they don't respond or that there is a problem in the scheduling/location/fees that make meeting not possible. This week I just "went dark" on one provider even though everything else lined up. I felt really bad about that. How I imagine a jerk should feel (but they don't of course.)
My son is making great progress to getting himself reinstated. He is going to submit his petition soon. I think it will be approved. So I only have a few weeks left to hang out with him before he has to start shunning me. That's cool though. God put this in place and I trust him that the procedure is correct. I just hope he keeps up with the progress he is making.
Work is still depressing as I have to fight for everything I want to do that is different from the standard program here. In spite of the success we enjoyed last year, the team is focused on checking the boxes on corporate compliance rather than on getting the job done correctly. It is so hard when I hear other people extolling how great it is to work here, and how wonderful the people are, and how they enjoy coming to work. Why is my experience so different? Why am I so passionate about doing things "correctly" that I find it so difficult to sit back and watch other people waste time?
I was riding home yesterday and listening to an NPR piece on suicide. I still think about it often, but not really seriously. I don't think I will do that until after it is clear that God has rejected me. Then it doesn't matter anymore. (Of course I have to be CERTAIN that I am rejected and since it isn't like God is going to communicate directly, I don't think I would believe someone saying that "It's too late for you dude." So I'll probably never do it. I think back to the article I wrote not long ago when I outlined how I expect to die when the end comes. Of course there I mentioned suicide several times. That presumes I have knowledge of my Judgement. It may be obvious at which time I would very likely do the deed.
When I think of the problems the Israelites had and how God kept saying "Return to me." At least now I am trying to do that. And, at least to my knowledge, the end has not yet come. But still, who knows. There are probably lots of tests that I will fail between now and when the end does come so it may be entirely obvious that my judgement is adverse. Oh well, I hate myself with good reason.
Crappy day all around. No joy on any front, except that my study routine is getting better. I just feel that every day, I am doing the things to make these last few weeks or days or hours that I have some control over my life are as comfortable as possible. I even worry about trying to add a lot of additional things to the spiritual things I am doing because if I do, then I am libel to stop doing everything. So I have to be really careful about not adding anything to what I do now. Of course the case review panel will want to say "You have to do this" and "You aren't doing that, Do thus and so for several months then come back to us and we will see . . ."
I have kind of decided that I will still just do what I think I can. I am not willing to risk going back to square one b/c they aren't happy that I don't look up all the scriptures when I study the wt. I am trying to serve God, not please them. Sigh, I just hope I ever get to that point.
I'm 50 weeks away from sending in my petition. So this isn't something I should even be thinking about. Sh*t, right now I don't even read the wt before the meeting.
This is so d*mn depressing, kind of like working at the carwash blues.
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