Today I just feel so unhappy.  Yesterday I had the notion that I hadn't been really down for a few days.  I wondered if I might actually be feeling better.  Today I feel that same hole in my chest indicative of an internal emptiness coupled with despair that the resolution is so long off as to make the required endurance impossible.

Yet there is this fear that the end is so imminent that I won't have time to make it back into the congregation before God pulls the trigger on the end of this system of things.  I am contemplating just one more visit to a provider.  Of course this is entirely stupid, I am praying not to do it, and I'll hate myself if I do.  But that hasn't stopped me in the past.  Right now I give myself a 50/50 chance of avoiding this engagement.

I am having trouble sleeping again these days.  I keep waking up way too early.  I might have to go back to sleeping on the bed.