Report Card

So that last post was from a long time ago.  It was just sitting there as a draft for some time so I kicked it out by publishing it.  Whatever.

Anyway I'm blogging again because my life is again clearly pointed to an excrement ditch.  I don't know how to pull out of this.  I pray, but not long and consistent enough.  I go to meetings, but before long I get someone (or everyone) throws enough excrement in my direction that I can't take it anymore.  And then somewhere along the way sooner or later, I take poison (in the form of music, porn, tv, books.)

Meetings (aka Church)

So I haven't been to church in forever and then I stumbled into a meeting last Monday. Couldn't believe it that I saw my son there with his wife.  (ugh, the wife not my son)  Of course his was readmitted to the church (un-excommunicated; reinstated to use the correct term.)


Escorts

Yes, still use them.  finding some acceptable but economical alternatives.  I'm finding that 5 - 600 is the point at which with extreme care you can find good reliable service.  Anything less you will find something amiss.  Could be language, attitude, appearance,


Study

Hit and miss.  I often read the text and a Wt. article in the AM.  I often read a chapter in a book on the way home from work.  So I study "a lot". but it doesn't seem to have an impact.


Porn

Still there about once a week on average.  Some weekends I skip, most I hit and occasionally twice and as much as 3 times.


Money

Avoiding any new big commitments.  No new house, car, But then again, see the section on "Escorts".  at minimum of 500 usd and up to 1200 per event, that in and of itself is a big commitment.  Still in debt to the USG.  Don't know how to fix that.



Work

I am coming to realize that I can't work forever.  I hate being at work b/c people treat me like excrement.  Of course that reinforces the feeling that I am worth no more than (and possibly less than) canine excrement.  But I have to have money.  No other source I can think of.


Psychological

I still hate myself.  I realize that I am stupid on a fundamental level.  I realize my life is a total waste, and that it would have been finer had I not been born.  Still depressed.  (Surprised?  Then what's wrong with you??!!)


Spiritual

An Enemy of Jehovah.


Physical

Fat, Ugly, Walk 20 miles each week.

Socioeconomic Standing

Looser


Relationships

Trying to cultivate a relationship I have been cultivating for the past 40 years with only a string of failures to show for it.  Of course, I'm failing again.