Train Ride Home

I got on the train to go home last night and before I got off, I had an appointment set up with a provider.  Gorgeous smart gal.  It is for tomorrow.  Im praying to God that something happen that I can't keep the appointment.  I imagine just sitting there talking the whole time.  That may actually be possible.  She is multi-lingual and well traveled.

I think seeing that reinstatement letter framework was a little damaging.  It showed me how far away from being ready to be reinstated I really am.  That is depressing.  That coupled with the cuddle provider no show on Sunday has lead to a real confidence nose-dive currently in.  Of course if I give in and do the nasty like I am planning, it teaches Satan and his team that the way to get mark to do something stupid is to rattle his cage.  D*mn I am so stupid!

So I figured out what I may have done wrong in dealing with the escaping provider.  I was on tinder for a while and for the few conversations I had, if I sensed lagging response I would sometimes ask "have I scared you off?"  It always worked.  They would respond relatively soon after that.  In every case they would deny being scared.  However they would disappear not long after that.  I think that in just asking the question I planted a seed that they should be scared of me.

I realized this a while back and stopped using that line.  However in texting with the escaping provider, I slipped up and asked her the same thing.  Sure enough she responded soon after, but then slipped away when faced with the reality of a real live meeting.  I guess I don't blame her.  I am a black man; I should know better than to plant that seed.

So I just tried planting that seed in the escort I'm scheduled to meet tomorrow.  Started with a text, then followed up with an email.  Doesn't seem to be taking root though.  This woman is really intelligent and I don't think she will be swayed.  Maybe if I pray hard enough God will intervene.  But of course since I set this up myself, I think that is just too much to ask for.  Like speeding down the highway, speed limit + 30, praying that God will save me if I get in an accident.  God expects me to slow down myself.  I am really screwed up in the head.

Actually I think I'm on auto-pilot.  I am responding to the sh*t I have been feeding myself on TV and on the internet.  So my sub-conscious is convinced that I NEED an escort to continue living.  It overrides the logical part of my brain that knows I am killing myself.

I tried listening to "Kingdom Music" yesterday.  It really wasn't as bad as I expected it to be.  I was totally surprised.  Of course that was a scant hour before I set up this latest meeting.  The world would call me conflicted.  I thing God will call me dead.  I hate where I am in this life.  I wish things were different, but not enough to make the change.  So I die .  .  .

Why doesn't that motivate me to change?   Probably b/c i just don't care about myself like a healthy human would.

Sometimes when reaching out to providers I end up chatting a bit.  I have to be careful b/c I don't want consume their time unless they really appear engaged and enjoying the banter, or unless we are actively progressing to a meeting.  Of course all that should end.  But I am realizing that this is my only social outlet.  I know it is wrong and bad but I can't seem to stop myself from doing this.  I hope I can put a button in this and cease and desist after today.  Honestly it isn't likely but I have to keep trying.  Actually I think the best thing for me to do is to keep up with the Text/BblRdg/BookRdg schedule I have set up.  That occupies my free time and helps me avoid getting engrossed in sites featuring my prurient interests.

I ended up working really late yesterday,  I was at work until 8:00 PM or so.  So here it is 1:00 PM the next day.  D-Day.  I'm feeling the dragging.  I'm holding off on the Adderall until later.  The email I sent to try to scare off my appointment this evening backfired.  She is even more interested now.  I should run away, but I won't.  I feel like I have a ring in my nose and that I am cowardly walking forward led by Satan's world, to the slaughter.  I pray but I can't even finish the prayer.  I know that what I am doing is wrong, and I keep doing it.  This is bad.  Bad.

Philosophy Rationality

Here I am, about to do something bad and I am not turning away.  I just keep moving forward.  Why?  (see above)  Is there anything beyond that.  OK it's bad, yes I'm stupid.  Both are accurate statements but how do I fix myself so that I don't keep doing the same thing as I have for the last 42 years.  The key is the subconscious mind.  Stop with the bad music and TV shows.  They feed Satan's crap directly to my still malleable subconscious mind.  Now it is overruling my logical part of the brain regularly.  So I don't have to be watching porn for TV to be killing me. (Just like the Watchtower has been saying all along.)  Stupid man!  I just had to see for myself.

The other part is the real need for social connection.  I'm still human.  Of course there isn't any one else that I'm really interested in connecting with and I can't talk to anyone in the organization, so nothing to do there. If I do my part God can handle this part. But, of course, I'm not doing my part so for now, I suffer.  I look everywhere for companionship.  And the cycle repeats.

To put it in perspective, this is a first world problem.  I have enough to eat and drink.  I have shelter and transportation.  I have more than enough clothes, coats and shoes.  I have no good excuse to offer God for my failure.

But I digress a bit.  What should I do?  Well it is pointless to list things like:

1.  Go to all the meetings
2. Study thoroughly for all the meetings,
3. Go out in Field Service (or Prepare for FS)
4. Pray hourly
5, Associate with the brothers
6. Read the Yearbook
7. Schedule Family Study time
8, Read a Bible book daily
7. .  .  .

Been there done that.  So I got two things I can really do to move forward.

1. Focus on doing the Text/BblRdg/BookRdg
2. Stop listening to Rock
3. Stop watching Stupid Netflix crap.

That I might actually be able to do.

Reality

So back to reality,  I'm planning to go in there and make any donation I may choose to do for her time and companionship.

I will try to engage in conversation and keep that going.

I am not resolved to let things go no further so they probably will.

How can I be so very stupid!