I'm tired. I slept probably 9 hours last night. Its only 5:00 PM and I am still just so tired. Typical depression situation. I should call the doctor (I think I'm gonna crash, Doctor said he's commin' but you gotta' pay him cash . . . but I digress.) Seriously though, I'm on my depression medication and I feel really depressed right now. Sh*t, this is not good (ng.)
I am hanging out here at work, just dealing with a couple of small things here and there. I just can't work very hard for very long anymore. I just stop and look into space for minutes. Then I get distracted by the internet news, then by my thirst, then by my blog. Crap.
Another worthless weekend. Didn't even get the laundry done. Or pick up the laundry. How can I be so inept?
Damn-it. It is happening again. It is only noon and I feel really sleepy already. This always used to happen when I was bad of a year or two ago. Honestly I can barely keep my eyes open. Why???
Just ate lunch, again, sleepy, sleepy. Want to curl up and go to bed. Again I got 8+ hours of sleep last night. If I'm not careful depression is taking on the appearance of a grim reaper when it comes to my employment. Oh my goodness, this is getting really bad. Maybe I'm just really sick. Maybe I'm dying and I don't yet know that by which I am doomed. Headache starting again.
I am trying to psyche myself up to get to the meeting tonight. Forgot my tie again. But I have a spare in the office. I better pack it now lest I forget. OK, that's done (literally.) Now let's see if I actually get to the meeting tonight. Weather is warm. No excuses. Of course I don't need an excuse to miss the meeting. Witness yesterday and the day before! I am really hopeless.
It's about 4:30 and I'm stressing out about going to the meeting now. I think I am going to go but I know how easy it is for me to flake out. There is a lot of time left for me to do that. We'll see . . .
Well I did actually go to the meeting. The last part was really difficult, I couldn't tell what they were talking about, or even where they were reading,. I was just so tired and sleepy. No one talked to me. I don't know if they were just afraid to come near or what. Given how people recoiled the last time I was at this meeting I wouldn't be surprised if word got around and nobody wanted to come near. I always feel bad at the meetings now. The last time I was there was just so demeaning. Of course my behavior is what led to my status so they had good reason to treat me the way they did. But it was really difficult to see someone jump back in shock and horror when I told them my status. It shouldn't be a big deal band honestly I am surprised it made such an impression. I usually don't get so bent out of shape. But oh well. There it is . . .
I'm still trying to work through my difficulties getting work done. I have to go home early today just to pick up laundry that I didn't get over the weekend. (Such slackness is legion.) What a sh*t I am. I really hate myself (IHMS). I just don't see a way out of this. One more year of shunning in dfment. If I make it through that alive and haven't been killed by God, then there is the process of reinstatement that will be long and tortuous since I have such little trust in the deacons. I will be very suspicious of any questions or issues they raise. I have already been thinking of how to deal with this:
1. Record the Meeting
2. Answer only the question specifically
3. Questions like how did you . . . are responded only with answers like "With God's help", or "By relying on God", or "Because God assisted me."
4. Questions about my misdeads while out I'll just try not to answer by saying "I don't remember" which I probably won't. or "That was a year ago, I don't see the relevance of my misdeads for which I am sorry." or "Look, I don't do that stuff anymore, why are you making me remember that?"
I know it will take a number of tries to come back. I figure 1 month between requests should be sufficient.
Then I walk around restricted for another year, can't answer at meetings. Of course that is not so bad since everyone knows already that I am suspect anyway. Anyone coming back from df is considered suspect for a while.
Then they let me answer a question or so but I'm still on the crap list for another year even after that. Then after all the restrictions are taken off people will still touch me with no less than 5' poles until they see someone else unquestionably spiritual treat me like a human again. So all that with the normal setbacks I figure will take at least 3 years but probably more like 5 or 6 in actual fact.
Is it worth it, hell yea. How else will I escape from hell. It is depressing to think about what the next several years will be like (at best.) No wonder I am so depressed. OMG, this is so awful. Not the worst outcome certainly, but it is really depressing to think about.
Oh, yea. and I have no one but myself to rightfully blame for all this. It's really all my fault. If I just loved God more.
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