I feel badly. So what else is new? I always feel either bad or worse. The best I look forward to is feeling neutral. I never feel good anymore. If I do it is a very local phenomenon. Like mentally racing someone on the freeway and I win. Yea!! Feels good, for a few seconds. Then I realize how stupid it is to be mentally racing anyone. And how small my victories have become.
I'd think I would feel good if I went to a meeting or something like that. But I don't really feel good about it. I just feel bad because I always leave there black and blue from being beaten up by the words I hear in there. Always telling me how bad I am and all the things I'm not doing. Now that I have been to the meetings a few times a couple of people came up to introduce themselves. Not the first time it has happened, just that it happened 3 times in the same meeting.
The first guy did what I would imagine, when I said I was df he just looked away and walked away. No drama. Cool. The next gal to walk up and introduce herself literally recoiled in horror. She looked at me like I was a pedophile and stumbled away. (OK she didn't really stumble away, this is just my way of putting her down to lift myself up.) The next guy to say something didn't have the chance to act averse. I was already walking away when his comments registered. I turned (without breaking stride) and said the words, turned back and continued walking. Later one of the guys standing there caught up to me and said that this dude was an elder (like a deacon) and that he would eventually need some basic contact information. I said OK and left.
I haven't been back to that congregation for a 2 or 3 weeks now. I don't consciously think of these events and then decide not to go back, nonetheless it is interesting that immediately after these interactions, I stopped attending meetings. Why? I don't know. Sh*t.
Well the next meeting is on Saturday AM. We'll see what happens then.
I stayed in town last night rather than commuting home 1.5 hours. I do that maybe once a month. Then I tried to find an escort. One returned my call but she was in another city this evening. She is in town tonight though. Really tried to make it work but I haven't followed up. I know that it is wrong so I haven't done anything. Doesn't mean I won't, but I don't want to screw up yet again.
No Friends
Not sure why, but that whole issue of having no friends bubbled up to my consciousness. Not a huge event, it's just that I had the document open so decided to note it down in text. It seems kind of amazing to me but it isn't really that uncommon. Of course I don't think it is all that common either. No friends. That's quite a thought. No one who really cares, no frequent human associates for anything more than secular interests. While there are people I know with whom I'm on speaking terms, I can't really call them friends. So many of the people I communicate with are escorts so, while they are perfectly willing to share some conversation, it all costs money. They aren't really interested in me, they are interested in making money. It hurts a little to think about it. I don't miss having friends all the time, just occasionally. I'm not terribly averse to having friends, but I am not terribly interested in doing so either. I'd like to have a few really close friends. I don't and probably won't for many years. Even if I did get reinstated, who would want to be my friend. They'd all just give me the evil eye like they did when I wasn't df'd.
I wish I could figure out why people are not comfortable around me. They really aren't. I have heard people in the cube next to me getting invited to stuff and I'm sitting right there and they clearly don't want me there. They tried to keep their voice down so I wouldn't realize what was happening. I feel badly when that sh*t happens. How could I not. I don't think I am always conscious of how deeply that stuff pains me. I guess it may be part of the defensive mechanism I've built up since it happens so frequently for so very many decades.
I'm feeling that self hate deep in my soul now. Just kind of down there gnawing away at my insides. Poisoning my biochemistry. I really have begun to think that one day I'm just going to discover some form of cancer and I'll say no to chemotherapy and radiation. I'll just wait for it to kill me and then kill myself when the pain, discomfort, shame gets too much to tolerate. I know my kidneys are bad. That might be the mechanism. I'm not sure I would even try to "get my affairs in order."
Yup, depression is taking hold again, even while I am on medication. This is bad.
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