Typical Day Down Here in Depression City

Not sure what is behind the flurry of posts in the last few days but, well here I go again.

I googled suicide today.  I wanted to know where to shoot to ensure instant death rather than lingering around in pain and not being dead.  On TV they shoot inside their mouth toward the back of the head.  Sometimes they aim at the temple.  Other times under the chin aiming upward.  Personally I think that in the mouth is best since it puts the bullet in the back of the skull near the brain stem.

I don't own a gun.  I don't think that I would choose this method since there are other methods that are very sure and painless.

But why am I thinking about that.  Probably because my situation feels bad and the solution would require extended effort over a very long period of time.  Something that I haven't yet been able to put together.  I've quit attending meetings for the last 2 weeks.  Ever since it snowed.  It will always be something that I can't do.

Nonetheless God doesn't require the impossible.  I have to keep asking him for help.  Oddly enough that is harder than it sounds.

Work is no fun.  I'm always sad that I don't have the influence here that I'd like to have.  I only work on what other people tell me to do.  I don't feel like I have any prerogative.  I tell my boss that I enjoy my work.  That is not entirely a lie since there are many interesting aspects.  However I am never a decision maker.  I recommend approaches and others decide what they want to do.

But I am not hungry.  I go to sleep with a satisfied belly nightly.  I am not aware of some loathsome disease, I can still walk for a few miles without falling over.  I have much of my hair and the majority of my teeth.  Life is not all bad.  It is just that I am rejected by my religion and trying to figure out how to get back has become problematic.

My depression is being held at bay by the medication that I am taking.  However I am not improving.  When walking or just sitting around thinking I constantly contemplate the failures that I have in my life.  So daily, the most exciting thing I look forward to is watching TV.   I used to look forward to going out with an escort but I am trying to wean myself off that.  It is not something that God wants me to do and it leads to sex (Read:  wickedness and ultimately death at God's hands.)

So I am thinking that this is not a good thing for me to do.  Nonetheless since this is literally the only fun thing that I do, it is very hard to resist.

I need to work on my house in Martinsville.  I need to do so many things.  I wish I could just sell everything.  Take the money and pay my debts, then do myself in after spending the rest. It is just not  a pleasant life I lead.  It's not awful, just not very much fun.  But everyone has problems.  If I could get back to being a good JW then all would be OK with me.  That is just a prospect that continues to look impossible.  What to do, what to do .  .  .