My Shame

I feel an very sharp sense of shame over my life now.  Failures on all major fronts:

1. Spiritual
2. Educational
3. Secular
4. Interpersonal Interactions
5. Parental
6. Financial
7. Recreational

There isn't a single area where I look at my life and feel a sense of pride.

I used to pray about it a lot.  I still do occasionally.  I don't think God much cares about my sense of shame since I really ought to be ashamed of the pall I cast on his name.  Now that is something legitimate to worry about.

But honestly I just want to hide myself from everyone I know and from those I might get to know.  I feel a deep sense of loss and regret over the choices I made in my life.  And I knew better .  .  .

Yup, suicidal thoughts are coming back.  I keep remembering moments of deep shame, embarrassing situations, public and private failures.  This is killing me.  But it is what it is.  I can't change the past and I need to just keep moving on, if possible.

I mean, logically it only makes sense to kill one's self when there is no hope.  If God is offering no hope now, then nothing would matter.  But I don't believe this is the case.  At least I hope not.

I feel sort of dull, no sharp desire to do anything.  I think that is my depression talking.  I don't ever get excited about anything, there is just stuff to do.  None of it is fun.  I was looking at an advert for New Zealand.  Looked like fun.  I'd probably go if it were not for the fact that I have no one to go with.  It would be just me the whole time.  I don't think it would be fun.  I'd just spend the whole time feeling lonely and sorry for myself.  I am so pitiful.

I guess I pray more than I used to.  Nonetheless there have been times in the past when I have prayed a lot as well.  I don't perceive a long term  benefit from having done so.  I am sure that is because the bad decisions that I was making while I was praying a lot.  It all just seems so hopeless.  But I know it need not be, that is if I do God's will, consistently.

I am such a failure.  Nothing (except eating and sex) is fun.  I do both of them too much.  One of them is off limits by God's standards; so doing it at all is a sin.  The other marks me as a glutton since I have already eaten enough calories for the next months at the very least.  I don't want to see other people because I am afraid that they will see my shame.  Life is good, it is a blessing from God.  However because I have made so many choices apart from God's direction and guidance, my life is unhappy right now, and for quite some time to come.

Yet, in spite of the low probability of ultimate success, I will keep trying to make this work.  I feel like it is like working to fix the starship engines once you are on the wrong side of the the event horizon.  The benefits, unending life, are certainly worth the effort.  It is just hard to keep going when the outlook is so bleak.

I wish I could just snap out of it.  I used to have no patience for people who called themselves depressed.  I associated it with laziness.  Now here I am.  I call myself lazy all the time.

So the depression must be taking hold.  When it gets bad I feel tired and sleepy all the time even when I have had plenty of rest the night before.  Last night I got home early and went to sleep around 5:00 PM.  I got up at 8:00 for 1.5 hours but went back to sleep for another 6.5 hours.  Total of 9.5 hours of sleep.  It is 3:00 in the afternoon and I am about to fall out of my chair for being so sleepy.  This is bad.