Where to i begin? Well I haven't done anything really really bad stupid yet. God has helped me all along by somehow helping me avoid getting responses to all the requests to my selected "comfort girls" aka escorts. One actually responded a few times. Really pretty, tall and close by. Somehow I just couldn't bring myself to get over there.
But now here I am again. Tempted, stuck mentally at work. I feel like I can't do any work now. I try to start and I just can't focus. Well, not on work anyway. I am focusing on escorts. I am falling. I am going to do this thing. I have failed to uphold God's standards in my life again. What a waste. Little doubt that I am not going to "make it." That is so sad. All the wonders of the universe are possible in God's Kingdom. And I am about to trade it all in for one sordid hour of pleasure. No, it isn't worth it. Far from it. But the temptation is too strong now for me to break away. She is just too tall, too pretty, to tempting. I just can't bear it. This is really bad . . .
I have watched myself fail before, now I am blogging through my failure. It is so disappointing. Trading forever for a moment. But my head is all screwed up now. I can't gain perspective anymore, not with the prospect of such temptation at my fingertips. I feel like I have faced something like this before. When I stand firm I don't feel good afterward, I just feel damaged. Like when a fort repels a vicious attach just barely. They are vulnerable to the next one. Of course with God all things are possible, but in my case failure has been the rule because, obviously, I just don't love God enough.
It's later in the afternoon. Between the previous paragraph and this one I read the old posts from March 2017 when I was just kicked out. It was pretty sad time. More importantly I prayed a lot for help. I was surprised that it worked and I didn't actually do something stupid. Why praying worked now and not before is unknown. I think it is because I have been reading bible and study publications so much. This is not something I think I will be able to keep up with. But if my life depends on it I should.
Of course that has not been sufficient motivation for the first 50 plus years of my life so . . .
I think I have just delayed the inevitable. But that doesn't make sense b/c God doesn't require the impossible.
OK so it is the next day. I didn't do the stupid thing. I can't believe God is still working to help me even though I keep doing things like looking at the advertising sites and the emails from the providers I've previously engaged. I know I can't keep doing that. I really know that God will kill me if I don't stop that. He isn't going to constantly stand over me holding me back from making the same mistake with me continually doing things that lead me down the path of doing it. I still can't believe I didn't do anything this week. But I am nowhere near out of the woods on this. I have plenty of additional opportunities to screw up. Honestly I still don't think I am going to make it. The history is just too full of repeated mistakes and back-sliding for me to believe I won't do that again. This isn't to impugn God's ability to assist, it is to realize my lack of resolve to do His will.
I always thought that I'd make it somehow, someway. I don't believe that anymore. The history of my failures is too long and deep. I just know that with God anything is possible. But God won't drag anyone kicking and screaming for Satan's system of things into his new world.
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