2019 01 09 Yep later the same day as the end of the last post. Not sure why I all of a sudden have an interest in airing my dirty laundry for the world to critique. Maybe because I sense God's spirit in helping me to do his will. My last several attempts to engage an escort have failed. Once or twice that is not a particularly unusual event but three times in a row and all of a sudden I am sitting up and taking notice.
So what am I doing differently, actually it's hard to say because I have just once again started going to meetings (only the last two weeks.) I have been reading the bible regularly since early October. That may be the thing. Actually that is when all of a sudden I couldn't schedule escorts. So maybe there is a connection.
I read the text and a Wt article on the train to work. I read the bible at lunch and track progress on a spreadsheet. I then read a chapter on some book, (I'm in "Keep yourselves in God's Love" now) on the way home. I have also started more studiously avoiding the really bad Netflix movies and shows. Of course now that I am bragging, something will go wrong. It always does. I can't seem to break that cycle. I suppose that is why I am not too hopeful that this will work out. I think it will end up being just a temporary reprieve in my continual downward spiral into hell.
Open the gates, here I come! Woops little deviation there, worry not I'll be back this way again before long. I wish that were not the case but I don't seem to know how to get out of this loop.
2019 01 10
Another day another post. Suicide thoughts are coming more frequently now. I just don't see how I can continue moving forward. It is getting harder and harder to do any work. I stare at the screen and look at my to-do list. But finding the motivation to get started on any particular item is just getting so much harder. I have to resort to listening to metal music. That seems to pacify the rage in my mind so the rest of my brain can focus on moving forward. Every step to do anything is like wading through thick syrup. The failures will mount and it is just a matter of time before more critical and important things start dropping. Self loathing is continuing. I pray a bit but I don't perceive the amount of assistance I think I need. I should do it more. Certainly I could; maybe this is a clue. I so entirely hate my current situation. But I feel locked in, like I can't move forward even though logically I can think of several things I could start doing differently.
I just feel so useless and bad here at work. It is like everyone knows what bum I am and they don't want to talk to me. Like the pre-termination revulsion playing out again. People don't want to be around a sinking ship when it finally goes under. People are borderline rude. I can't shake this feeling. It is so pervasive. I wish there was some way to escape. It is like I ache all over.
How can I get the help I need to fix this? God only knows.
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