Failure

Yes it has been a while.  I continue to see Escorts.  I am more often than not having sex with them, although, for the record, I do not purchase sexual services.

I met a new escort last night.  She is a very tall blonde, very fit and big boned.  She is hugely intelligent.  I think she figured me out pretty early on and I think she was tired of me by the end of dinner.  She didn't show any irritation though. She was professional to the end.

Of course I still shouldn't have gone through with it.  Another grand down the tubes.  Being so smart I immediately was captivated by the conversation.  It was apparent early on that the intelligence quotient made the table pretty lop-sided and before long the food was sliding off the table in her direction.  (Not literally of course.)  I did my usual thing of writing too many times after it was over.  Sealing the lack of interest and sowing the seeds of distain in her mind.  I am such a fool.

I continue to wreck my mentality at work as I am so totally out-classed by the people around me.  We had a team building event and again I made a fool of myself not being able to think of any unique fun activities I have ever done.  I had to admit during dinner that I want to be a JW, but that I haven't figured out how to stop f*cking long enough to do so.  BTW long enough is like a year or more so it's no small thing.  Well really it is forever (basically)  but that's how long it takes to get back in.

I quit going to meetings.  I am at that point again where I just can't find the motivation to go, even when there is no other excuse not to do so.

The medication front is looking better.  the only down side is that it is super expensive.  This is the first medication that really seems to do something.  I sleep well now.  That's a first for a really long time.  I dream and not all my dreams are bad.  It is really quite a remarkable change.  You would think I'd want to start going to meetings again.

Fast forward a couple of months and the new year is here.  It's Jan 9, 2019 now.

I spent my 10 glorious days off watching TV and lying on the couch.  It was a huge waste.  I feel mentally drained and exhausted, but even with all that time off I couldn't get anything done around the house.

I continue to embarrass myself here at work.  The people around me are so smart and I am so incapable by comparison.  The meds I am on must be pretty good b/c I am not constantly thinking of suicide, though the thought comes to mind more frequently than at other times.

I read an article on grief in one of the public magazines.  I am convinced that I am grieving my life for the past 10 - 12years or so.  About the time I stopped being able to do anything home based.

I have gone to the last 4 meetings in a row.  Started going to the Sterling hall.  Some Elder wanted my contact info.  Surprising since I haven't been attending there for long at all.  I wonder what's going on with them.  Why would they be any more on-the-ball than any other congregation I have attended in the last 25 years.  Its kind of weird but I won't be eligible for reinstatement for another 9 months or so.  Consequently it doesn't matter all that much.

I truly hate what I have grown up to become.  I am hugely embarrassed for who and what I have become.  I want to lay down and give up.  I am such a loser.  It is oppressive.  I can just feel my stupidity and bad decisions weighing on me like a heavy blanket.  I can hardly move.  The only thing that can help me now is God, and I keep doing things that make him angry.  It's good that I don't own a gun.