Still Hating

I felt really awful yesterday evening.  Tinnitus ringing loudly.  I was hungry as all get-out and I felt really tired.  I went to the meeting anyway.  I only stayed for the first hour though.  I missed the last 20 minutes or so of the portion of the meeting I attended due to sleep sitting.  I really don't know how to fix that.  I will try to go home right on time tonight.  Leave maybe at 6:00 to be sure I get home by 7:30 PM.

I get so very much sleep on the weekend, I can't imagine why I am so very sleepy on Monday evening.  Just something I have to live with until I figure it out I guess.  Definitely a first world problem.  Why am I complaining.

The truth seems to be drifting away like a distant memory now.  The ideas of making i into the new system are fading.  They still come up in dreams but, that is all it is, just a dream.  I don't want to go away and be killed but looking at my record I don't see myself avoiding it.  Life is just constant pain of knowing that I am a failure and that nothing I can do makes any difference, well except the money I give.  I just hope I can keep doing that.  That is all the good I do, really.

I had dinner with my son again this evening.  He got married to someone I don't really like much, but he tied the knot.  He knew I wouldn't approve so he didn't bother inviting me to the ceremony.  I don't even know when it was exactly.

I am so very tired right now.  I don't understand why.  It is like I am sleep writing.  My eyelids are heavy and I just hope no one comes up to my cube b/c I look so tired that I know that I would be unable to look at a visitor without them knowing that I was half asleep or crying.  But fortunately I am not well liked by my colleagues.  I don't get many visitors.  I am an lonely ugly and fat old black man.  And I am so embarrassed to admit that.  The trouble is that it is all true.

I hate myself just so very much.  Suicide appears to be a really viable option now.  I can't recover from my depression.  I know that my record of serving God is really poor.  Armageddon is coming.  I know being killed by God may be a very torturous experience.  So why not control how I die.

Well, Idiot, it is because you dedicated your life to God.  Your life is not your own to take away.  For as long as you draw breath, you owe it all to Him.  Well, dear reader, you know how the rest of this goes, around and around.  It is just shit.

I just caught myself sleep sitting again.  Just for a few seconds this time.  Next time will probably be a little longer.  So this is my day.  Over and over again I go to work, address very tedious issues that I don't really enjoy.  I get shit on by other people and ignored by the rest, sometimes actively so.

I'm done.  Got to try and work a bit more before COB.  I am sleep sitting some more.  Don't know what is going on.  Why am I so very tired.

How Else Can I Describe Another Terrible Post

Every post, just more frustration, more bad news.  I really can't handle this which is why I am slowly going crazy.  I find myself talking to myself when I am walking the city streets.  Right now it is just a sentence or two.  But It is getting worse.

I found out I have some serious kidney issues.  As usual I am just turning away from the problem rather than facing it.

Tried to set up a meeting with a provider today.  It didn't work out.  Her hotel was inconveniently located so I couldn't easily get there.  Seemed like a nice gal.  Very pretty as far as I could tell.  It is crazy that I keep reaching out but can't get anywhere.  Of course it is a good thing.  Every time plans fall through I thank God that they did b/c I know that this is a bad thing that I am trying to do.

However I also know that God will not continue to keep me from hurting myself indefinitely.

Weekend is coming up tomorrow.  I'm going to try again to get to the meeting on Saturday.  I don't know if I will make it but I'm going to try again. After that there's shopping, mailing the key and a fet other things.

Need to get back to doing the WT on Sunday mornings.  The deacons will ask about that and probably won't let me back in until I am doing the WT.   So I'll try to integrate this into my study plans.

I had been doing well reading on the train coming in, at lunch and then going home.  I forgot my book on Wednesday and that threw everything off.  I will have to work hard to get back on schedule.  Maybe this isn't the week to try and do the WT.  We'll see.  I wouldn't be surprised if I end up laying around the house all weekend watching tv and eating pizza.

I am so often pausing and just feeling this deep seething hatred for myself.  This is an absolute loathing of the man I have become.  It is not just in all the ways I fall short of the goals I set for myself, it is just how wrong the goals were in the first place.  I think about the good advice I got from some and how I ignored it.

My day to day life just hurts.  No I'm not hungry, and I don't usually get beaten, but the mental anguish of knowing what a failure I am coupled with the true understanding that it is my fault.  I had the knowledge to do the right thing, just not the wisdom.  And once on that road I have been unable to find a useable exit.  I know it must exist, God doesn't require the impossible.

Well it's a long day and it is just about over.  I think about suicide often now.  I dread every day.  It seems like things just keep getting worse.  I can't make it better no matter what I do.  I am running way low on energy to do anything differently.  Everything just feels badly.  I only have death to look forward to based on my current situation.  Maybe there is time to make it back to God's company but I just don't see myself putting forth that kind of consistent effort.
 

Another Bad Day

In the last few days I have been struggling to not engage a provider again.  I certainly would have failed were it not for God's influence.  Ok well I believe that even though I suspect most readers would now.

Depression, my closest companion over the last 14 years, has reared its ugly head.  It is hard for me to get out of bed, such that it is, on time.  Even then it is hard to get ready within the allotted time frame.  Oh and it is getting really hard just to do work while I am at work.  I feel overwhelmed and just don't want to do anything.

So last  Monday I engaged a provider again.  It was a very memorable session.  One that resets the clock on getting back in to the organization.  Deep sadness, and that perverse thought process:  "Well I'm broke now, might as well live it up!"

So I have been on line all this past weekend looking for and making offers to providers.  I have decided that 600 is the limit for engaging a companion.  I see some reasonably intelligent people available for 400 potentially, but none of them in town currently.

I am at work, burned out from morning meetings and too tired to pick up the banner and march forward again.  Sh*t, IHMS, IHMSSFM.  I feel like the bottom has fallen out of my life.  It has ya know.  So I feel tired and sleepy and just awful now.

I am out of my depression medication but I should have a refill at the pharmacist.  The last time I was there the doc prescribed a low dose of Adderall.  (Don't know a thing about the stuff, other than there is a movie with the name in it.  Movie doesn't seem too flattering toward the medication.)

Speaking of Movies I saw Apostate (Apostacy?) is out in Netflix.  Movie about a JW with a family member gets df'd.  (I suppose it  is df'd and not declared apostate but then why the name, so I don't know.)  I am so curious to see it.  I almost am 100% sure they get a lot of stuff wrong.  I didn't see any obvious issues in the trailer, but we'll see.  It should be interesting seeing it from my own perspective since I am df.  But I am rather sure I deserved it.  I can't say for sure that I was unrepentant, but that doesn't mean I didn't deserve what happened.  So I won't watch it with a lot of sympathy for he one who got df'd in the movie.

I guess overall it is probably really bad press for JW's b/c people will watch it to learn about JW's.  It is like learning about marriage by watching Kramer vs. Kramer.

In the mean time I keep plodding along, putting one foot in front of another.  Constant feeling of crushing emptiness and uselessness as I contemplate how empty my life is.  How much I don't like who I am.  How useless I feel because I wasted my youth and I continue to waste my life now.  How I am bound and tied to this life of chasing tail and trying to take care of my dwindling possessions.  I feel constant exhaustion, even after long weekends where I sit around and do nothing.

I have been praying a few times today for help getting to the meeting tonight.  I wore my boots and double socks so my feet stay warm in the Hall.  I have a light colored shirt and a couple of ties to choose from.  I should go but I am feeling so badly now I am not certain that I will.  Maybe time for another prayer.

I

I, I, I, I, I.  Almost every paragraph begins with "I".  I suppose that's  normal, but it is not who I want to be.  I'd like to be focused on God.  Or at least not so self centered.  I suppose if I had more oh, wait, scratch that .  .  . at least one friend then I might not be so self centered.  I should be able to say that I have God as a friend, but I know that is not true.  I don't do his will enough to think that I might be counted as his friend.  In actual fact the earthly organization he uses today decided to hand me over to Satan.  Nope, I'm not a friend of God.

It's 1:30 and I'm about to fall off my chair I am so sleepy.  I guess it is the digestion thing.  Brain is blood starved as my stomach takes first place in its command for the bloodstream resources.  Damn I sure hope the tummy finishes its digestion process very soon.  I'm seeing double (occasionally) now.

Wow, I actually skipped a day without posting even a paragraph to my depressing (depression) blog.  But here I am again.  Feeling like sh*t and ready to post some more.  More drivel about how lousy my day is going, how badly I feel and how I can't seem to do anything about it.  I'd be so bored with this if I wasn't living it every day.  I just can't seem to break out of this prison.

Started reading Isaiah.  Did the first 2 chapters.  66 in total, Waugh.  Will I ever finish?  It was all about how bad Judah had become.  It reminds me of myself of course.

OMG this is bad.  This can't work thing is starting to stretch out into several days.  I don't know what I am going to do.  I have to think of something.  Of course I want to reach out to one of the escorts I used to use.  She is in town next week.  All my interactions with this escort have been strictly social.  She is a really nice gal.  I really could fall in love with her but I know it wouldn't work out.

The down side of doing that is that I would be reaching into Satan's world to satisfy that need instead of waiting on God.  Now given the fact that in being df'd I was handed over to Satan, I think it is a matter of just using the resources at hand to satisfy a legitimate need.  Right not I am not dying for companionship as is sometimes the case so I'm not going to do anything at this point.  Of course that could change at any moment.

Well it's about 6:00 pm and I just sent a note to my escort for a dinner meeting.  2 hours public only interaction.  Probably a mistake .  .  .   OK definitely a mistake!

Love God

I'm tired.  I slept probably 9 hours last night.  Its only 5:00 PM and I am still just so tired.  Typical depression situation.  I should call the doctor (I think I'm gonna crash, Doctor said he's commin' but you gotta' pay him cash .  .  .  but I digress.)  Seriously though, I'm on my depression medication and I feel really depressed right now.  Sh*t, this is not good (ng.)

I am hanging out here at work, just dealing with a couple of small things here and there.  I just can't work very hard for very long anymore.  I just stop and look into space for minutes.  Then I get distracted by the internet news, then by my thirst, then by my blog.  Crap.

Another worthless weekend.  Didn't even get the laundry done.  Or pick up the laundry.  How can I be so inept?

Damn-it.  It is  happening again.  It is only noon and I feel really sleepy already.  This always used to happen when I was bad of a year or two ago.  Honestly I can barely keep my eyes open.  Why???

Just ate lunch,  again, sleepy, sleepy.  Want to curl up and go to bed.  Again I got 8+ hours of sleep last night.  If I'm not careful depression is taking on the appearance of a grim reaper when it comes to my employment.  Oh my goodness, this is getting really bad.  Maybe I'm just really sick.  Maybe I'm dying and I don't yet know that by which I am doomed.  Headache starting again.

I am trying to psyche myself up to get to the meeting tonight.  Forgot my tie again.  But I have a spare in the office.  I better pack it now lest I forget.  OK, that's done (literally.) Now let's see if I actually get to the meeting tonight.  Weather is warm.  No excuses.  Of course I don't need an excuse to miss the meeting.  Witness yesterday and the day before!  I am really hopeless.

It's about 4:30 and I'm stressing out about going to the meeting now.  I think I am going to go but I know how easy it is for me to flake out.  There is a lot of time left for me to do that.  We'll see .  .  .


Well I did actually go to the meeting.  The last part was really difficult, I couldn't tell what they were talking about, or even where they were reading,.  I was just so tired and sleepy.  No one talked to me.  I don't know if they were just afraid to come near or what.  Given how people recoiled the last time I was at this meeting I wouldn't be surprised if word got around and nobody wanted to come near.  I always feel bad at the meetings now.  The last time I was there was just so demeaning.  Of course my behavior is what led to my status so they had good reason to treat me the way they did.  But it was really difficult to see someone jump back in shock and horror when I told them my status.  It shouldn't be a big deal band honestly I am surprised it made such an impression.  I usually don't get so bent out of shape.  But oh well.  There it is .  .  .

I'm still trying to work through my difficulties getting work done.  I have to go home early today just to pick up laundry that I didn't get over the weekend.  (Such slackness is legion.)   What a sh*t I am.  I really hate myself (IHMS).  I just don't see a way out of this.  One more year of shunning in dfment. If I make it through that alive and haven't been killed by God, then there is the process of reinstatement that will be long and tortuous since I have such little trust in the deacons.  I will be very suspicious of any questions or issues they raise.  I have already been thinking of how to deal with this:

1. Record the Meeting
2. Answer only the question specifically
3. Questions like how did you .  .  .  are responded only with answers like "With God's help", or "By relying on God", or "Because God assisted me."
4. Questions about my misdeads while out I'll just try not to answer by saying "I don't remember" which I probably won't.  or "That was a year ago, I don't see the relevance of my misdeads for which I am sorry."  or "Look, I don't do that stuff anymore, why are you making me remember that?"

I know it will take a number of tries to come back.  I figure 1 month between requests should be sufficient.

Then I walk around restricted for another year, can't answer at meetings.  Of course that is not so bad since everyone knows already that I am suspect anyway.  Anyone coming back from df is considered suspect for a while.

Then they let me answer a question or so but I'm still on the crap list for another year even after that.  Then after all the restrictions are taken off people will still touch me with no less than 5' poles until they see someone else unquestionably spiritual treat me like a human again.  So all that with the normal setbacks I figure will take at least 3 years but probably more like 5 or 6 in actual fact.

Is it worth it, hell yea.  How else will I escape from hell.  It is depressing to think about what the next several years will be like (at best.)  No wonder I am so depressed.  OMG, this is so awful.  Not the worst outcome certainly, but it is really depressing to think about.

Oh, yea.  and I have no one but myself to rightfully blame for all this.  It's really all my fault.  If I just loved God more.

Here Comes That Same Old Feeling

I feel badly.  So what else is new?  I always feel either bad or worse.  The best I look forward to is feeling neutral.  I never feel good anymore.  If I do it is a very local phenomenon.  Like mentally racing someone on the freeway and I win.  Yea!!  Feels good, for a few seconds.  Then I realize how stupid it is to be mentally racing anyone.  And how small my victories have become.

I'd think I would feel good if I went to a meeting or something like that.  But I don't really feel good about it.  I just feel bad because I always leave there black and blue from being beaten up by the words I hear in there.  Always telling me how bad I am and all the things I'm not doing.  Now that I have been to the meetings a few times a couple of people came up to introduce themselves.  Not the first time it has happened, just that it happened 3 times in the same meeting.

The first guy did what I would imagine, when I said I was df he just looked away and walked away.  No drama.  Cool.  The next gal to walk up and introduce herself literally recoiled in horror.  She looked at me like I was a pedophile and stumbled away.  (OK she didn't really stumble away, this is just my way of putting her down to lift myself up.)  The next guy to say something didn't have the chance to act averse.  I was already walking away when his comments registered.  I turned (without breaking stride) and said the words, turned back and continued walking.  Later one of the guys standing there caught up to me and said that this dude was an elder (like a deacon) and that he would eventually need some basic contact information.  I said OK and left.

I haven't been back to that congregation for a 2 or 3 weeks now.  I don't consciously think of these events and then decide not to go back, nonetheless it is interesting that immediately after these interactions, I stopped attending meetings.  Why?  I don't know.  Sh*t.

Well the next meeting is on Saturday AM.  We'll see what happens then.

I stayed in town last night rather than commuting home 1.5 hours.  I do that maybe once a month.  Then I tried to find an escort.  One returned my call but she was in another city this evening.  She is in town tonight though.  Really tried to make it work but I haven't followed up.  I know that it is wrong so I haven't done anything.  Doesn't mean I won't, but I don't want to screw up yet again.

No Friends

Not sure why, but that whole issue of having no friends bubbled up to my consciousness.   Not a huge event, it's just that I had the document open so decided to note it down in text.  It seems kind of amazing to me but it isn't really that uncommon.  Of course I don't think it is all that common either.  No friends.  That's quite a thought.  No one who really cares, no frequent human associates for anything more than secular interests.  While there are people I know with whom I'm on speaking terms, I can't really call them friends.  So many of the people I communicate with are escorts so, while they are perfectly willing to share some conversation, it all costs money.  They aren't really interested in me, they are interested in making money.  It hurts a little to think about it.  I don't miss having friends all the time, just occasionally.  I'm not terribly averse to having friends, but I am not terribly interested in doing so either.  I'd like to have a few really close friends.  I don't and probably won't for many years.  Even if I did get reinstated, who would want to be my friend.  They'd all just give me the evil eye like they did when I wasn't df'd.

I wish I could figure out why people are not comfortable around me.  They really aren't.  I have heard people in the cube next to me getting invited to stuff and I'm sitting right there and they clearly don't want me there.  They tried to keep their voice down so I wouldn't realize what was happening.  I feel badly when that sh*t happens.  How could I not.  I don't think I am always conscious of how deeply that stuff pains me.  I guess it may be part of the defensive mechanism I've built up since it happens so frequently for so very many decades.

I'm feeling that self hate deep in my soul now.  Just kind of down there gnawing away at my insides.  Poisoning my biochemistry.  I really have begun to think that one day I'm just going to discover some form of cancer and I'll say no to chemotherapy and radiation.  I'll just wait for it to kill me and then kill myself when the pain, discomfort, shame gets too much to tolerate.  I know my kidneys are bad.  That might be the mechanism.  I'm not sure I would even try to "get my affairs in order."  

Yup, depression is taking hold again, even while I am on medication.  This is bad.

My Shame

I feel an very sharp sense of shame over my life now.  Failures on all major fronts:

1. Spiritual
2. Educational
3. Secular
4. Interpersonal Interactions
5. Parental
6. Financial
7. Recreational

There isn't a single area where I look at my life and feel a sense of pride.

I used to pray about it a lot.  I still do occasionally.  I don't think God much cares about my sense of shame since I really ought to be ashamed of the pall I cast on his name.  Now that is something legitimate to worry about.

But honestly I just want to hide myself from everyone I know and from those I might get to know.  I feel a deep sense of loss and regret over the choices I made in my life.  And I knew better .  .  .

Yup, suicidal thoughts are coming back.  I keep remembering moments of deep shame, embarrassing situations, public and private failures.  This is killing me.  But it is what it is.  I can't change the past and I need to just keep moving on, if possible.

I mean, logically it only makes sense to kill one's self when there is no hope.  If God is offering no hope now, then nothing would matter.  But I don't believe this is the case.  At least I hope not.

I feel sort of dull, no sharp desire to do anything.  I think that is my depression talking.  I don't ever get excited about anything, there is just stuff to do.  None of it is fun.  I was looking at an advert for New Zealand.  Looked like fun.  I'd probably go if it were not for the fact that I have no one to go with.  It would be just me the whole time.  I don't think it would be fun.  I'd just spend the whole time feeling lonely and sorry for myself.  I am so pitiful.

I guess I pray more than I used to.  Nonetheless there have been times in the past when I have prayed a lot as well.  I don't perceive a long term  benefit from having done so.  I am sure that is because the bad decisions that I was making while I was praying a lot.  It all just seems so hopeless.  But I know it need not be, that is if I do God's will, consistently.

I am such a failure.  Nothing (except eating and sex) is fun.  I do both of them too much.  One of them is off limits by God's standards; so doing it at all is a sin.  The other marks me as a glutton since I have already eaten enough calories for the next months at the very least.  I don't want to see other people because I am afraid that they will see my shame.  Life is good, it is a blessing from God.  However because I have made so many choices apart from God's direction and guidance, my life is unhappy right now, and for quite some time to come.

Yet, in spite of the low probability of ultimate success, I will keep trying to make this work.  I feel like it is like working to fix the starship engines once you are on the wrong side of the the event horizon.  The benefits, unending life, are certainly worth the effort.  It is just hard to keep going when the outlook is so bleak.

I wish I could just snap out of it.  I used to have no patience for people who called themselves depressed.  I associated it with laziness.  Now here I am.  I call myself lazy all the time.

So the depression must be taking hold.  When it gets bad I feel tired and sleepy all the time even when I have had plenty of rest the night before.  Last night I got home early and went to sleep around 5:00 PM.  I got up at 8:00 for 1.5 hours but went back to sleep for another 6.5 hours.  Total of 9.5 hours of sleep.  It is 3:00 in the afternoon and I am about to fall out of my chair for being so sleepy.  This is bad.