Tired & Still Descending

Aw hell, this is bad.  I am about to fall out of my chair I am so sleepy.  I am not sleeping right at home, I need medication to be able to get a good night sleep these days.  I am sure that if I got enough exercise, this would be a non issue.  But I don't get enough sleep and I am about to fall off my chair now.

I don't know why the insomnia hit last night.  I  woke up around midnight and could not (did not) get more than an hour of sleep after that.  I am doing that thing where if I sit too still and stare at a given item too long, then I will zone out behind my eyes.  It's awful.  I hate this.

Take the pills tonight you idiot.  For cryin' out loud.  Deal with this!

Anyway so I was looking at the situation a few weeks out.  I can get a room at a good hotel for around 150 per night.  That's a great rate for being in DC.  Grace will be in town and I could "make a weekend of it in DC like I did earlier.  It could be really fun, if we stay in another part of town, and spend Saturday and Sunday nights.  This would be interesting b/c Grace is bi and my ex-wife is bi-curious.  This could be the ménage à trois that I have been wanting for decades.  But then, do I want to be responsible for DC's further fall into sin -- no.  This isn't going to happen and I'm not gonna tell here that Grace is in town as I promised earlier.

That is the right decision.  In any case I'll end up spending about 4 hours with her which will cost me about 850 bucks (not including the 280 dollar ticket to the show I bought for her.  Oh well, it is all a part of buying experiences rather than more stuff.  I don't expect Grace to be much more than pleasant - fulfilling her stated objective.  I don't think she will try to coax me into more than that for which I had planned.  I am dead sure she won't.  I am rather sure I would not be able to resist if she really tried.  Right now I don't intend to bring enough cash for a longer than planned engagement.

Here I am thinking about this going foreword.  It is what I dream about.  Basically the only pleasant thing I will be thinking about in the next several weeks.  Maybe I can use the uplift to get some work done around the house.  I don't think that's possible..  I hate who I am and what I have become.  I am so thoroughly ashamed of what I have turned myself into.

Where am I going.  Right now, straight to hell.  I want to change the course (in a manner of speaking). but then again, we all do exactly what we want to in most situations, even if our doing so is mostly to belie our own feelings or inclinations for the purpose of the social advantage of others watching our selection.

Very few of us subjugate our own wants to those of a higher power for altruistic motives.  How would you ever know if this is what you were doing.  Given the propensity for people to fool themselves, thoroughly, I don't know how you could be sure unless you had a guide book that told you all the right answers.  Something like, dare I say it given how vehemently I have opposed its direction, the Bible.

You are a real piece of work dude.  You really have outdone yourself.

The Call

Friday I was feeling anxious, moist palms, occasional shudders; all of these I experienced.  I was planning to meet with Taylor - providing myself another instance where I would treat myself to a hugely positive thing for my ego.  I was going to do something rather than buying stuff.  I wasn't sure if this was such a good idea,  but I have lots of stuff and I'm not happy.

The moment was last night.  The weekend was basically a bust (as it usually is) with me laying around the house eating and watching TV.  Sunday I kept a close eye on the clock so as not to be late and jumped in the shower on time and was out the door with time to spare.  Enroute to my exciting rendezvous I got a note from the escort saying she had made other plans, because I didn't confirm in the morning.  

Then I thought, no, I have been in constant touch with her long before today and I figured maybe she meant to send this note to someone else.  I anticipated that, any minute now, she will realize her error and send a note apologizing and I would be able to say:  "No problem:  I'm here anyway!"  So I sent a note asking about the supposed confirmation I was suppose to provide.  She responded, there was no mistake, she just threw me over again.

Of course, had I known a same day confirmation was necessary, I would have.  But I didn't and she cancelled in favor of another (probably more generous) client.  After I received the note I thought of getting off the public transport at the next stop and heading back.OK, that's it for Taylor.  Cancelled on me a second time now.  No more.  I did send a nice note suggesting that if she is so in demand, she should raise her price.  It won't affect me.  I'll not see her again.  So again, my date is a bust.  This is getting old.

So, I am just now giving some serious thought to what someone looking at this blog must be thinking about its writer, moi.  Let's see, Depressed, really depressed, thinks that formication with a professional will improve the situation (idiot.)  Way into self hate, did I mention depressed, doesn't want to fornicate with his escort !!??  Cant get a date with an escort, what???  Oh, and depressed, into God, but hates his church congregation.  They treat him like he's invisible, and that's his own fault.  Wow!  OK, I am sick, really sick.  I should go back to the doctor again.  Can I make myself place that call?  Well, not so far.

Trouble

My head hurts, my stomach isn't in knots yet but it soon will be.  I have a meeting with a new escort, Taylor, on Sunday.  I'll start getting ready at 10:00 am when church starts.  I am watching a knife pierce my flesh a second time.  A third time is scheduled.  I have not chosen to cease stabbing myself.  I want to let go but I cannot seem to do so.  What have I done!!??

I didn't tell Grace about my ex who expressed an interest in knowing this escort as well.  She (my ex) is bi-curious and likes the website Grace has.  I wanted my ex to give me her read on Grace.  I don't want to be responsible for her diving further under water.  She is already nearly dead.  This is the worst I have felt in a long time.  I need to get back on the meds.  This is killing me.

I long for the ability to quickly assess, plan and execute in moving myself in the desired direction.  Now all three skills have been compromised by this damn depression.  It is made worse by my lack of social contact and has driven me underground as I reach out to this world for help.  Both legitimately and otherwise.  My therapist is suggesting relationships that I know good and well I am not ready for.  Yet I crave some sort of contact and it makes me move in that direction.  This whole escort thing is just playing with fire.  I know I can't do so and not get burned.  How can I back out at this point?  My head is screaming "Mark get out of there"  my heart is reasoning "It will be ok this time.  I don't intend for anything to go wrong."  I am just in real trouble.

The only people that could really help have been such a disappointment that I just can't see myself going back to them.  It's weird;  they are supposed to be this shelter in the rain (earlier blog post.)  I hate that I can't.  I want to blame someone and there they are, around but uninvolved.  Perfect target to blame.  Except that that would be just wrong.  I know where the blame correctly rests, as I have stated many times earlier.

Maybe I just need a new psychiatrist who is willing to dispense the meds without me having to pay an analyst.  I don't know if that's possible.  I don't know if I have strength to make that appointment.  I cannot even make an eye doctor appointment.  Much less a dentist appointment.  God I have just let myself go to hell figuratively, and soon literally.

This blog helps a bit.  "Depression's Second Punch" (April 2013) describes what this.  This is serving as the outlet that was handled by the Anguish Writing earlier.  The huge difference is that It would be many months and sometimes years between these expressions in younger years.  Now it is several times monthly, and recently it has been daily.  Once done, I can go back and do other things, so it is at least mildly cathartic.  Well, there is only a couple of usable hours left in the day today.  Let me see if I can put them to good use.

Getting In Deeper

So it's day 3 of my resolution to study the Watchtower.  I made it through the first 2 days and struggling (though not too hard) today.  I better get to it.  But alas there is other work that needs attention.  I have a presentation today and that's far more important than my everlasting fate.  For cryin' out loud, I am so very stupid!  There ought to be a law.  Oops, there is, God's law.  I broke it; and will probably die as a result.

So I didn't study the Watchtower yesterday or today.  I did however get another Bose Jewel Cube in the mail, part of my plan to get more stuff -- a home theatre system.  God, when will I ever learn?  I also bought $500+ dollars worth of tickets (that would be 2) for a play to which I invited my  escort, Grace to be followed by dinner.  Ummm let's see, 550 (tickets) + 1150 (escort) + 150 (dinner) + 20 (Misc.) = 1,880.  Damn, I better have a good time!  Of course that's only the material cost.  I'll be paying a higher price insofar as my relationship to God (what's left of it) is concerned.

It's a day later and the escort, Grace is joining me for the show - Great!  I am really looking forward to a great time.  And at the same time dreading the consequences.  I don't know what they will be but I am sure they will be unpleasant.  Makes one wonder if it's worth it.  Of course not.  However, the hook is set.  going forward I will be a fish fighting the line.  But really, I guess I've been doing that for 22 years now.  Multiple hooks, multiple lines.  I am finished.

The Plan

So what's the plan?  What's the strategy for getting out of this mess.  Well, I clearly don't have one.  I am still reaching out in 2 directions.  Studying my Watchtower and making appointment with an escort.  While I don't intend on anything near a df offence with Tatum, I know that it can't be a good thing that I am doing this, and that I must be hurting myself to continue.  I just want to die.  Not because I really don't want to live anymore, it is just that this life seems to be prolonging my death.  God provides the way out, but it is so frustrating that I haven't been acceptable to God in like forever.

Grace will by by in August, and yup, I'll be there when she lands.  This is my only social life.  I hate that, but there it is.  I am going to take another run at this Speed Dating thing.  I also joined another on line group that occasionally does stuff together.  We'll see how that goes.  I am skeptical and nervous about attending anything, but oh well.  So it goes.

So why am I studying my Watchtower?  Because that's the only real solution.  That's the only path to happiness.  The rest is either immediately painful, or pleasurable in the short run and painful in the long run.  And deadly in the long run with 100% certainty.  So studying my Watchtower is the only way out.

It seems as though that once I start studying the Bible, reading it and other Bible study materials, I should start to like it.  It seems as though there should be a natural migration to a way of life that is enjoyable and fulfilling.  I don't understand why that didn't happen.  It seems as though I was actually improving in measurable and in demonstrable steps.  But I failed.  Once it was clear that no one wanted to talk to me and that I remained anathema to the rest of the congregation, I gave up.  God would have given me the strength to continue, but I gave up, fell on my face, and retreated to Satan's world to lick my wounds (and create new ones.)  I know I will make another attempt to get back in the truth.

Maybe I need to literally create a project plan, with milestones and time lines.  That might make this possible.  It could lay out a path that I could follow and then see my progress as time moves along.  I know I am likely to fall off the plan, but I think that's my only hope.  Seeing the escorts is a step in the wrong direction.  I know I want to not feel continued pain at the lack of attention and affection from those from whom I crave it.  This dulls that pain and gives me something to look forward to.  But I know it's fake and that it won't continue; to the contrary it will hurt me.  But I will dull my thirst with seawater, and just hope that I don't swallow enough to kill me.

I suppose I could go to the "Brothers" and pour my soul out to them and ask for their help.  Maybe I would if I hadn't done so before.  It seems that asking them for help is an exercise in futility.  They truly don't seem to know how to help.  And even when they pretend as though they do, their "assistance" only leads to bitter disappointment since poorly thought out, weakly provided and lacks any follow through. It is like they just don't care.  I know they must if they are really elders.  It just doesn't seem that way.  I am sure that it's me that is seeing a distorted view of things.  I just need to put my head down and do God's will whole heartedly and then the joy will surely follow.

It has got to hurt first as Satan makes my life miserable.  But then God will come through, whenever he sees fit to do so; another test of loyalty.  But the reward is life, an excellent exchange by any measure.  I wish that exchange was enough to motivate me to sustained action.  Thus far it hasn't been.

Decisions Decisions . . .

Today I am right on the fence - again.  I started studying my Watchtower, but I am making plans to see both Grace and Taylor.  We will see if I can keep up studying the Watchtower for the remainder of the week.  Who knows??  While I want to have things more than experiences with these escorts, I could feel a huge sense of relief in communicating with Grace and want to feel that again.  However when I compare it to a new Watch, the durable good wins out every time.  I think, though that this is a mistake. I have a huge amount of durable goods and they don't serve me well at all.  I felt something palpable talking to Grace.  I want to say that I need more of that.  Truthfully, it is not a real need.  If it were a real need and if I was doing God's will consistently, he would in due course provide it.  Anyway I set the expectation with the escort that is only that in the strict sense of the word.  The plan is to have dinner, talk, enjoy each other's company and part ways (with her richer and me poorer.)  Why would I pay for this?  Because I can't seem to get it any other way.

I signed up for speed dating but didn't show.  I will try meeting Tatum and Grace again.  Maybe after that I will have my ego pumped enough to be able to face a series of different strangers who are not being paid to be nice to me.  Its pathetic, but for right now, that's me, and there's no denying it.

I also started fasting again (all of 17 hours in.)  I did for about 12 days last month.  But gained it all back (just like the web site said I would.)  I need to go back on the 1000 calorie diet after about 6 weeks of fasting.  That would put me starting to eat again in September.  Last time I fasted for a long time I got tripped up when I read a web site that proclaimed muscle loss due to fasting.  OK, I know that's true.  But fasting worked for me.  I could keep it up.  When I came off the fast, I didn't have a plan so I went back to random eating, not the strict calorie counting I did around this time last year.  So I have to Fast, then go to planned eating.

So yes, in addition to my obsessing about finding friends (even if I have to pay them for it,) I am also obsessing about loosing weight.  No choice there though,  I am truly sick unto death of my physique.  It felt really good to finally see my belly shrinking.  I want more of that too.

Random Thoughts

I know I am going to try again.  I just had the opportunity for ess eee cross handed to me and I turned it down.  While one reason is the source was not very compelling (and is probably a majority factor) the other is that I didn't want to have to petition (again) a committee of men for forgiveness for having sinned thusly.  I figured that I would have to get disfellowshipped and reinstated if this were to happen.

The other escort (Taylor) is a non-started -- just too expensive.  I don't have the money for that.  Actually I didn't have money for the first one but, oh well.  She, Grace (the first one) finally responded to my email wherein I said:  "I had a great time last night." She wants to meet again but this time with a 2 hour public 2 hour private session.  This would be $1,400 dollars worth of  consultation. Not sure if I can do that since I really don't want to get booted out of the congregation.  I am sure I will meet with her anyway since I am still lonely.  Maybe I will do a 5 hour public session and take her to a ball game.  That would be $1,000 still.  It's cheaper than Avery.  For cryin' out loud.  this is just really expensive.  I can't keep this up.

My hope is to get some good results from the Speed Dating .  We'll see  .  .  .

So I am giving more thought to turning back to God.  It seems like I am getting kind of close to actually going over the edge.  Also I am losing the internal revulsion for the people there; that always seems to happen with the passage of time.  So maybe we give this another try and wind it up again.  Maybe next week we start with renewing the study so that on the following week we can get to the Sunday meeting at least.  God would like that.  To the best of my knowledge he won't be satisfied with it if Armageddon started tomorrow, or next week, or next month for that matter.  But, it is better to start digging my way out of this mess than to dig myself into a much deeper (post coitus) hole.

Without much motivation, this will be tough.  Need to lose weight as well.  And clean my apartment.  I guess, all told, I need to go back to my analyst and psychiatrist.  I don't know why I stopped.  It was unwise to do so.

This post is turning into a pile-up.  I just can't focus.  I started this before going on vacation and now I am back from vacation.  A grand poorer and feeling like I was just starting to think about relaxing when I had to come back to work.  I am both tired and excited.  Work is exciting now (for the first time in years) but I am always sleepy; I think I need to start taking sleeping pills.

Need to join a gym.  Need to blah, blah, blah.  I need to prioritize and focus.  That's for sure.