Trouble

My head hurts, my stomach isn't in knots yet but it soon will be.  I have a meeting with a new escort, Taylor, on Sunday.  I'll start getting ready at 10:00 am when church starts.  I am watching a knife pierce my flesh a second time.  A third time is scheduled.  I have not chosen to cease stabbing myself.  I want to let go but I cannot seem to do so.  What have I done!!??

I didn't tell Grace about my ex who expressed an interest in knowing this escort as well.  She (my ex) is bi-curious and likes the website Grace has.  I wanted my ex to give me her read on Grace.  I don't want to be responsible for her diving further under water.  She is already nearly dead.  This is the worst I have felt in a long time.  I need to get back on the meds.  This is killing me.

I long for the ability to quickly assess, plan and execute in moving myself in the desired direction.  Now all three skills have been compromised by this damn depression.  It is made worse by my lack of social contact and has driven me underground as I reach out to this world for help.  Both legitimately and otherwise.  My therapist is suggesting relationships that I know good and well I am not ready for.  Yet I crave some sort of contact and it makes me move in that direction.  This whole escort thing is just playing with fire.  I know I can't do so and not get burned.  How can I back out at this point?  My head is screaming "Mark get out of there"  my heart is reasoning "It will be ok this time.  I don't intend for anything to go wrong."  I am just in real trouble.

The only people that could really help have been such a disappointment that I just can't see myself going back to them.  It's weird;  they are supposed to be this shelter in the rain (earlier blog post.)  I hate that I can't.  I want to blame someone and there they are, around but uninvolved.  Perfect target to blame.  Except that that would be just wrong.  I know where the blame correctly rests, as I have stated many times earlier.

Maybe I just need a new psychiatrist who is willing to dispense the meds without me having to pay an analyst.  I don't know if that's possible.  I don't know if I have strength to make that appointment.  I cannot even make an eye doctor appointment.  Much less a dentist appointment.  God I have just let myself go to hell figuratively, and soon literally.

This blog helps a bit.  "Depression's Second Punch" (April 2013) describes what this.  This is serving as the outlet that was handled by the Anguish Writing earlier.  The huge difference is that It would be many months and sometimes years between these expressions in younger years.  Now it is several times monthly, and recently it has been daily.  Once done, I can go back and do other things, so it is at least mildly cathartic.  Well, there is only a couple of usable hours left in the day today.  Let me see if I can put them to good use.

Getting In Deeper

So it's day 3 of my resolution to study the Watchtower.  I made it through the first 2 days and struggling (though not too hard) today.  I better get to it.  But alas there is other work that needs attention.  I have a presentation today and that's far more important than my everlasting fate.  For cryin' out loud, I am so very stupid!  There ought to be a law.  Oops, there is, God's law.  I broke it; and will probably die as a result.

So I didn't study the Watchtower yesterday or today.  I did however get another Bose Jewel Cube in the mail, part of my plan to get more stuff -- a home theatre system.  God, when will I ever learn?  I also bought $500+ dollars worth of tickets (that would be 2) for a play to which I invited my  escort, Grace to be followed by dinner.  Ummm let's see, 550 (tickets) + 1150 (escort) + 150 (dinner) + 20 (Misc.) = 1,880.  Damn, I better have a good time!  Of course that's only the material cost.  I'll be paying a higher price insofar as my relationship to God (what's left of it) is concerned.

It's a day later and the escort, Grace is joining me for the show - Great!  I am really looking forward to a great time.  And at the same time dreading the consequences.  I don't know what they will be but I am sure they will be unpleasant.  Makes one wonder if it's worth it.  Of course not.  However, the hook is set.  going forward I will be a fish fighting the line.  But really, I guess I've been doing that for 22 years now.  Multiple hooks, multiple lines.  I am finished.

The Plan

So what's the plan?  What's the strategy for getting out of this mess.  Well, I clearly don't have one.  I am still reaching out in 2 directions.  Studying my Watchtower and making appointment with an escort.  While I don't intend on anything near a df offence with Tatum, I know that it can't be a good thing that I am doing this, and that I must be hurting myself to continue.  I just want to die.  Not because I really don't want to live anymore, it is just that this life seems to be prolonging my death.  God provides the way out, but it is so frustrating that I haven't been acceptable to God in like forever.

Grace will by by in August, and yup, I'll be there when she lands.  This is my only social life.  I hate that, but there it is.  I am going to take another run at this Speed Dating thing.  I also joined another on line group that occasionally does stuff together.  We'll see how that goes.  I am skeptical and nervous about attending anything, but oh well.  So it goes.

So why am I studying my Watchtower?  Because that's the only real solution.  That's the only path to happiness.  The rest is either immediately painful, or pleasurable in the short run and painful in the long run.  And deadly in the long run with 100% certainty.  So studying my Watchtower is the only way out.

It seems as though that once I start studying the Bible, reading it and other Bible study materials, I should start to like it.  It seems as though there should be a natural migration to a way of life that is enjoyable and fulfilling.  I don't understand why that didn't happen.  It seems as though I was actually improving in measurable and in demonstrable steps.  But I failed.  Once it was clear that no one wanted to talk to me and that I remained anathema to the rest of the congregation, I gave up.  God would have given me the strength to continue, but I gave up, fell on my face, and retreated to Satan's world to lick my wounds (and create new ones.)  I know I will make another attempt to get back in the truth.

Maybe I need to literally create a project plan, with milestones and time lines.  That might make this possible.  It could lay out a path that I could follow and then see my progress as time moves along.  I know I am likely to fall off the plan, but I think that's my only hope.  Seeing the escorts is a step in the wrong direction.  I know I want to not feel continued pain at the lack of attention and affection from those from whom I crave it.  This dulls that pain and gives me something to look forward to.  But I know it's fake and that it won't continue; to the contrary it will hurt me.  But I will dull my thirst with seawater, and just hope that I don't swallow enough to kill me.

I suppose I could go to the "Brothers" and pour my soul out to them and ask for their help.  Maybe I would if I hadn't done so before.  It seems that asking them for help is an exercise in futility.  They truly don't seem to know how to help.  And even when they pretend as though they do, their "assistance" only leads to bitter disappointment since poorly thought out, weakly provided and lacks any follow through. It is like they just don't care.  I know they must if they are really elders.  It just doesn't seem that way.  I am sure that it's me that is seeing a distorted view of things.  I just need to put my head down and do God's will whole heartedly and then the joy will surely follow.

It has got to hurt first as Satan makes my life miserable.  But then God will come through, whenever he sees fit to do so; another test of loyalty.  But the reward is life, an excellent exchange by any measure.  I wish that exchange was enough to motivate me to sustained action.  Thus far it hasn't been.

Decisions Decisions . . .

Today I am right on the fence - again.  I started studying my Watchtower, but I am making plans to see both Grace and Taylor.  We will see if I can keep up studying the Watchtower for the remainder of the week.  Who knows??  While I want to have things more than experiences with these escorts, I could feel a huge sense of relief in communicating with Grace and want to feel that again.  However when I compare it to a new Watch, the durable good wins out every time.  I think, though that this is a mistake. I have a huge amount of durable goods and they don't serve me well at all.  I felt something palpable talking to Grace.  I want to say that I need more of that.  Truthfully, it is not a real need.  If it were a real need and if I was doing God's will consistently, he would in due course provide it.  Anyway I set the expectation with the escort that is only that in the strict sense of the word.  The plan is to have dinner, talk, enjoy each other's company and part ways (with her richer and me poorer.)  Why would I pay for this?  Because I can't seem to get it any other way.

I signed up for speed dating but didn't show.  I will try meeting Tatum and Grace again.  Maybe after that I will have my ego pumped enough to be able to face a series of different strangers who are not being paid to be nice to me.  Its pathetic, but for right now, that's me, and there's no denying it.

I also started fasting again (all of 17 hours in.)  I did for about 12 days last month.  But gained it all back (just like the web site said I would.)  I need to go back on the 1000 calorie diet after about 6 weeks of fasting.  That would put me starting to eat again in September.  Last time I fasted for a long time I got tripped up when I read a web site that proclaimed muscle loss due to fasting.  OK, I know that's true.  But fasting worked for me.  I could keep it up.  When I came off the fast, I didn't have a plan so I went back to random eating, not the strict calorie counting I did around this time last year.  So I have to Fast, then go to planned eating.

So yes, in addition to my obsessing about finding friends (even if I have to pay them for it,) I am also obsessing about loosing weight.  No choice there though,  I am truly sick unto death of my physique.  It felt really good to finally see my belly shrinking.  I want more of that too.

Random Thoughts

I know I am going to try again.  I just had the opportunity for ess eee cross handed to me and I turned it down.  While one reason is the source was not very compelling (and is probably a majority factor) the other is that I didn't want to have to petition (again) a committee of men for forgiveness for having sinned thusly.  I figured that I would have to get disfellowshipped and reinstated if this were to happen.

The other escort (Taylor) is a non-started -- just too expensive.  I don't have the money for that.  Actually I didn't have money for the first one but, oh well.  She, Grace (the first one) finally responded to my email wherein I said:  "I had a great time last night." She wants to meet again but this time with a 2 hour public 2 hour private session.  This would be $1,400 dollars worth of  consultation. Not sure if I can do that since I really don't want to get booted out of the congregation.  I am sure I will meet with her anyway since I am still lonely.  Maybe I will do a 5 hour public session and take her to a ball game.  That would be $1,000 still.  It's cheaper than Avery.  For cryin' out loud.  this is just really expensive.  I can't keep this up.

My hope is to get some good results from the Speed Dating .  We'll see  .  .  .

So I am giving more thought to turning back to God.  It seems like I am getting kind of close to actually going over the edge.  Also I am losing the internal revulsion for the people there; that always seems to happen with the passage of time.  So maybe we give this another try and wind it up again.  Maybe next week we start with renewing the study so that on the following week we can get to the Sunday meeting at least.  God would like that.  To the best of my knowledge he won't be satisfied with it if Armageddon started tomorrow, or next week, or next month for that matter.  But, it is better to start digging my way out of this mess than to dig myself into a much deeper (post coitus) hole.

Without much motivation, this will be tough.  Need to lose weight as well.  And clean my apartment.  I guess, all told, I need to go back to my analyst and psychiatrist.  I don't know why I stopped.  It was unwise to do so.

This post is turning into a pile-up.  I just can't focus.  I started this before going on vacation and now I am back from vacation.  A grand poorer and feeling like I was just starting to think about relaxing when I had to come back to work.  I am both tired and excited.  Work is exciting now (for the first time in years) but I am always sleepy; I think I need to start taking sleeping pills.

Need to join a gym.  Need to blah, blah, blah.  I need to prioritize and focus.  That's for sure.

Resignation

No, I'm not resigning from the company, unless a yet unknown forced resignation is approaching.  I am simply resigned to the fact that I am not one of those for whom Jesus Christ died and gave his life.  He died everyone (including me) in that I now have an opportunity for a better life, however that better life is granted to those who do God's will even though they can only do so imperfectly.

I am so ashamed of myself.  I was raised going to a Kingdom Hall (church) but did not follow the advice and now here I am,  paying for dates with an escort in order to get some companionship.  How far I have fallen, (though not from a mighty perch.)

So I have 2 nights at a hotel this weekend.  I had planned to use them when an escort was visiting.  However since those plans "fell through" and my offer to meet others were not yet accepted, I intended to stay at home.  I learned this AM that my ex wants to do something.  As soon as I find out what is going on, then maybe I can salvage the weekend.  It is so typical for the ex to act like she is helping others when she is really helping herself.  She's an expert at that.

So I have decided to go back to seeing my therapist and psychiatrist.  With all the junk I have been buying recently,  It is a cheaper option, in spite of the rather considerable expense.  This is all so difficult.  It shouldn't be, but it is.  It is as though my mind has been dulled so that I cannot view my situation like a dispassionate observer, rather I am like a drowning beach goer caught in a rip-tide.  I can't swim well and now I am panicking.  Making the situation worse, not only for myself, but also for those who would otherwise try to save me.

I have heard the Siren's song of Satan's system and have been lured into crashing my vessel against its rocks.  I have attempted repairs only to crash again, and again.  I feel I am about to break into kindling this weekend.  Pieces too small to ever be reassembled into a vessel again.  Thus will end my hopes of being a good Christian.  Preferring a brief and scarred existence over God's promise of something far better.  I asked for God's help so many times, I must conclude that I just don't really want his help, or perhaps more to the point, I don't want the help he provides.  What a blow.   What a bad situation, practically unrecoverable.

Expensive Dinner

Taylor, the escort who ditched me in favor of a yacht cruise wrote back indicating that her plans fell through.  So I am rather confused now.  Was the cruise real?  If so why did it take her a week after it was supposed to start to tell me that it "fell through" even though she was supposed to leave a week before she tells me that the plans have fallen through.   The notion of getting a more valuable client is  real and I suppose that would be a reason for adjustment.  I'll never know the truth.

Taylor seems like  smart gal but how much is an act.  Probably all of it since that is part of what I am paying for.  The cost $800 is very high and I could outfit my bedroom with a really cool sound system for that price.  Still, this is something I have done only once before and it turned out really well.

Is what Taylor offers worth $800, especially since I found someone that can offer what I was looking for at 60% of the cost Taylor charges?  No probably not.  I am not rich and don't have this kind of money available for recurring expenditures.  Ultimately I'd rather have the sound system.  I'm doing the speed dating anyway.  Another perspective would be really cool, but it just costs too much.

Maybe I could justify it as a once in a lifetime experience.  I look at TV and realize that the women I see there are what I really admire.  Still, they are just out of my league.  I'll never have a dinner with one of these type women unless I change.  Could having an expensive dinner with an escort be enough to inspire that change in me?  Maybe, but women of that calibre are looking for someone other than me.  It is so late in the game, I think I am just going to skip it all.  I lose again.

I just have  to get myself in order.  I have lost nearly 10 years of my life over this divorce.  I have to break free of the death spiral I am in.  I see no way out; I am going down.