Dead Battery

The cheese on my board (board cheese?  Hmmm -- sounds a bit stiff.  Better than bored cheese I suppose.  Not sure about bored cheese - as in penetrated like:  with holes.  Does this make it holy cheese?  Hmmmm - where was I anyway) sent me a text today.  It was a "c'mon you can do it, try to keep your head above water, read the bible, be positive, we don't have time for you this weekend" kind of message.  The latter being the kernel of the message which, when read, let me know why he had sent anything at all.

Well, I suppose that's all I deserve, and all I need for that matter, or else God would have given me more.  I am back looking at the escort to give it another try.  I am struggling with several hundred just for the first meeting.  I just don't see any other option that I would be willing to do at this point.  It is like I am stuck.  It is the only thing I keep coming back to.  When it was "on," it was the only thing I was looking forward to.

There is something incredibly ego-boosting about going out with a gorgeous gal.  It is deflating when you have to pay for it, but is still retains a lot of utility.  Worth the cost, no, probably not.  But would I do it anyway?  Oh yea, hell yea.  I don't know how much longer I can keep myself at bay, to be honest.  I looked at the daily scripture that I read about 5% of most days.  (that is I read it 5% of the time, not that I only read a very small fraction of the scripture each day, for those of you who may have been confused) It is basically saying:  If you are trying to serve God, then do that full bore.  Don't get yourself involved in other useless nonsense that doesn't help you get the job done.  Focus on God with as little other distraction as you can possibly manage.

That's good advice.  I went to climb this mountain carrying my camera, video recorder, laptop, Personal flag, 10' flagpole, frozen dinners, microwave, and generator (of course), toothbrush, extra towels (and towel warmer), etc.  .  .  .  You get the idea.  I wanted to serve God while I was in High School but then I decided to go to College, and then get a good job, and then get a car, house, furniture, yard, stuff, and so on.  Never realizing that I was raping my spirituality with all this other garbage.  Now I got it all and I hate it.  I hate that this is how I spent my time.  What a waste.

I just can't break free.  I can't make myself throw it away.  I am bound to this stuff like I have it tied to a rope around my waist.  I can't go anywhere without dragging it around.  I wish I could just jettison the whole bundle,  but life doesn't work like that.  Why can't the board help?  I don't know.  Why doesn't God help?  He has, I just don't want to do what he says I have to do.  I don't hear his voice.  Of course I am sure that if I look closely at myself I will find my index fingers firmly planted in their respective ear canals.  What an idiot I have become; and it is all my own doing.  I could have done better, but I choose to listen to myself instead of God.  Then I showed my child this way of life and he imitated the worst of me.

It seems like hedonism is the best route for me.  I can't make it back to God.  I tried and failed too many times to think that something is going to be different now.  I am no stronger, better, more thoughtful or spiritual than I ever was.  I am just the same selfish bastard I always was, only worse for the years of refuse through which I have been dragged by all the wrong headed decisions I made in my life.  I wish I could just fade to black,  (well I am black already but that's not what I meant.)  I would like to believe, that I could do better, that I could find a way to improve to be a good servant of God,  but it isn't happening.  The run up until about March was the last and best effort I had made.  many months of study meetings prayer and working toward service, and it all fell apart.  I didn't keep it up.  I couldn't / didn't catch fire and the battery ran dead.

I feel like I am waiting to recharge but, the contacts are getting shorted out as I get submerged in water. it's up to my neck.  Before long I will have to tilt my head back and stand on my toes to breath.  I hear that if you breathe the water in sharply, you don't suffer as long.  I have no idea if it is true.  I'm goin' home and will add $$ to this letter I wrote and post it.  I will feel happy for a little while.  I will have something to look forward to.  A possible meeting with a gorgeous gal.  The only thing I have really looked forward to in a long time.

And  then I'm going to send my pic and $$ to match and surf for a date.  It's all  there is left.  I have abandoned God.  Now he has left me to wallow in my own muck.  I have brought this on myself.  I am responsible for this madness.  I have done this to myself.  I am responsible.  I did this.  I will pay for my mistakes.  I will pay with my life.

Never

Am I ready for "The Final Solution"?  I  guess not.  I'm still here right?  I haven't gone out to party city and I don't have a 'hood!

I feel like I am stewing in my own juices though.  I feel bad, sad and lonely all the time now.  There is nothing to look forward to.  It is all just trialsome refuse.  The world is losing all desire, except maybe for sex.  I have been toying with the idea of online dating.  However when this gal showed up on my match what was perfect.  I realized I couldn't sign up to see her because I wouldn't want to put my ugly broken self in front of her and say in effect, how about going out with me?

This chick was all I would have ever wanted. Smart successful pretty and, apparently, looking for someone interested in her.  The realization is that I have nothing to offer this woman.  I would be totally embarrassed present myself to her knowing what a lowlife bottomfeeder I have become.  I think any meeting would turn into another socially disastrous incident leading me to further seclusion over failed attempts to maintain any semblance of a social life.

I  hate what I have turned into.  I can't stand in front of anyone with my head up anymore.  I am totally ashamed of what I have become.  When I think of how I screwed things up with the escort earlier, it just reminds me again of what a total loss my life has become.  It is like there is no meaning left.  No sense of accomplishment or order.  All, everything fades into the same dull grey of insignificance.  Except it is significant and God,  by all of what I understand, will come along and kill me for my inaction in the face of knowledge about his will and purposes.  He is always right and knows how to decide these matters instantly, without the consideration that would otherwise be necessary with human judges.

So when the lightning strikes and I become a lifeless crispy critter, no one can rightly cry foul!  God made the call; he's always right.I am the screw-up here, the one who knows what to do and refuses to do so.  I know enough! Otherwise, God would give me some more information.  I certainly had enough to make the right decision out of High School.  What a different life I could have had.  One of purpose and service to God.  The best life possible.

Instead I spent my life serving myself.  Looking for ways to earn more money, honestly or otherwise.  Seeking my own greediness instead of seeking the interests of others.  Not raising my child correctly which led to his life spinning out of control.   Not to mention my ex-wife who is on her own mad spin, taking my son with her.

All was avoidable.  All was unnecessary, if only I had been more responsible, If only I had truly loved God and done his will.  So will I do the study, meetings prayer and service necessary to get myself back in line with what God expects?  Probably not.  I haven't in the 50+ years I have been alive on a long term and consistent basis.  Could I change?  I suppose so.  Will I change?  Probably not.  I have become an enemy of God.  One to be reserved for adverse judgement whenever the end comes.  And it isn't far off, relatively speaking.  Yes it could be a few seconds days minutes or decades from now.  But if I am found wanting when it does come, as would almost certainly be the case, I will die and God's will will be done without  me around to screw up anymore.

I wanted to be a part of God's new world, but I cannot see myself making it now.  It is like there is just so many barriers to entrance into that world.  I just can't seem to make it.  Never have, probably never will.  Never, Never, Never, Never, Never.

The Final Solution

So I told the cheese on the board that I wasn't sick when I cancelled on them Sunday.  He isn't communicating with me anymore.

I guess I really want to blame someone else for my own problems.  I should go to the board, beg them for a hearing and throw myself on their mercy figuring that this is the only way to get back in
God's good graces.  I won't go into the logic of why I have to go through men to get to God, but the logic's sound. I just don't care to get into that right now, although is is a valid question and it is normal and natural for you, dear reader, to ask.

This post is about me though; explaining to myself what I need to do to get out of this funk and get back to serving God, or at least making progress in that direction.

I am thinking back on the weekend before last.  I have been kicking myself for the lack of productivity on the weekends since I get so little done.  I thought it was my addiction to television as I would usually vegetate in front thereof for hours at a time most weekends.  This time, for some reason, I decided I didn't want to watch TV so I left it off.  I still sat around, laid around didn't do much of anything until sometime on Sunday.  Then, for whatever reason (again,) I started being productive.  Cleaning the kitchen picking up stuff.  generally straightening as I normally would when I was my old self.  It wasn't quite like it used to be since I was going along at a measured pace; I wasn't moving as quickly or working as efficiently as I could.  I guess I was thinking that I shouldn't push it since I was being productively unexpectedly, and i didn't want to spoil the moment.

So I think that deep down inside I am thoroughly broken.  It will take a long time to repair, and I just need to give myself some time to get well.    Maybe I need to just patiently wait around like I did the weekend before last and know that at some point in time I will pick myself up and try again.    But this is my life we are talking about.  If God comes along at his "appointed time" to take care of things and finds me outside his organization picking daises and waiting for the mood to hit me, I might get hit with a proverbial bolt of lightning.  That would be that, for all eternity.  I suppose that if I really do just need time to heal, God would know that as well.  So I better be quite certain of myself before I settle in to wait.

How does one check?  Look up the information in the bible.  Look for it in bible based publications.  Trouble is, I can't find anywhere where it says to wait patiently until the mood hits and then you will be able to get back into the organization.  It is always something like "time is of the essence", "the time is now!", etc.   .  .  .  I can't compete with that.  I am off in the weeds making up things to justify my inaction.  There has to be a way to light a fire within myself to do something that will move me ahead.

Is it friends?  Bible speaks against friends who may pull you out of the organization.
Professional help?  Doin' that, been doin' it for a while now.
Help from the board?  Asked and it is painfully difficult to get it.
Mixing with the congregation?  I might try it if I could stand to talk to someone.  I feel like I have to  beg them to speak to me now.
Try going to another congregation?  I would still have the same issues until the board from this congregation approved of eliminating the last of the restrictions.  Then the stain on my record would be lessened but what a nonpositive way to start out with a new group of people.

Also I am just not prepared for the volunteer activity needed.  I have a long way to go to get ready.  What do I need to get that underway?  You guessed it, the same thing I need to do to ingratiate myself with this board and move forward.  It all comes down to the same things:  Study Meetings Prayer Service.  All those things I have known for ages, but never seem to be able to do.  I hate myself.  I hate my life.  I want the pain to stop, but there is so much work I need to do before the pain will go away.

What a trap Satan weaves.  This one is good and tight.  And while I am stuck in this trap there are other wild animals roving through this jungle.  It is only a matter of time before one of them finds me stuck here, stalks, attacks and makes a meal out of me.  Either that or the end comes and God takes care of me himself.  What a situation.  Why am I paralyzed?  Why won't I do what I need to do?  What do I need to do?  I can't help myself.  I hate what has happened.  I hate myself,  I want to leave these problems behind but I cannot.  I am doomed to live out an empty life and die for my sins.  I hate that.  I hate it for my child.  I hate it for my Father.  I hate it for God himself.  The one who gave me this life, who told me what I needed to do.  Who gave and still gives me all the information necessary to fix this.  And yet, I fail to do so.

What an awful, awful situation.  No hope, no hope except the barest thread.  Maybe there is something really wrong with me.  Maybe I cannot do any better.  Maybe this is really the best I can do.  Maybe this is all just misguided thinking.  I can't tell anymore.  Maybe it is time to really seriously consider the final solution   .  .  .

Broken

Sunday rolled around and I was truly NOT READY to talk to the board.  I had gone to a soccer game the day before as part of a management retreat.  Lots of people around, didn't know most of them.  They all get up with their friends and talk up a storm.  One of the veeps came over and conversed briefly and stiffly.  Oh well, that was the best I could do.  I came home and (of course) watched some TV until 10:00 & then went to bed.

Sunday rolled around and I could not, not, not face those guys.  I didn't want to go to the service in a bad way either.  I considered showing up for the meeting but not for the service, but that too seemed like too much.  So this much delayed and often rescheduled approach to the board was delayed yet again, this time though by myself.  Amazingly enough, I was somewhat productive  I assembled some book cases that had arrived several days earlier
.  I also went out and bought and changed the battery in 2 of my wrist watches.  (For those new to this blog this is a big work day for me on any weekend or holiday.)  The goals I set for myself are so small I feel entirely pathetic.  It is like I will never be productive again.

I am broken!

Suspicion

So in a few mins. I have to leave here and go to church.  I have to sit through a service as uncomfortable as ever, actually more so since I haven't been there in a while.  People are going to be looking (furtively) at me and saying:  "Look, there's Neilsonne!  I haven't seen him in a long time.  He never comes to church anymore"

I have a board meeting tonight, sounds impressive but it as every bit as humiliating as serving on a Fortune 500 corporate board would be exhilarating.  They say they want to help but they act like I am a pariah.

OK, so I am back now from this meet-up.  It was supposed to be after the regular evening service.  Then the top dog comes up to me and says he just needs to figure out what time to meet.  What??:!!  Dude!  we could have worked that out over, the phone, by email, via text , snail-mail even.  I suppose at least I got to go to a service that I otherwise wouldn't have gone to.

Really though, these guys live on a different planet.  They don't think like me at all.  For cryin' out loud, they are the ones doing far better than me spiritually speaking.  And they can't remember a meeting set up just 3 months in advance.  I guess they never got around to putting it on their calendars.

I complain about them, find fault with them, create fault where there probably is none.  These are really nice people.  Why do I only see the negative.  I am cynical and suspicious of other people regularly.  So it has to be me.  It is just that it seems like every time I drop my defences and say OK, I am going to just throw myself on the mercy of these guys, it seems like I hit the ground with added force.  I can't think straight anymore; I am so low spiritually I can't trust my own thoughts.  So I have to get help, much as I hate it.

The meeting is set for this coming Sunday now.  We'll see if they remember.

Hedonist

So, all my life (at least most of it) I have believed in one God.  I studied about him since middle school and now I am an old man.  I have almost entirely removed myself from his congregation, for most of my life.  Now I am faced with the potential possibility that I may never make it back into a congregation.  I want to believe that I can.  However the reality is that I have never done his will consistently. A hedonist would say: "Eat, Drink and be Merry, for tomorrow you may die"  Interestingly, hedonists were not the super wild and rorty.  They realized that excessive partying results in hangovers and less fun in the long term.  So they were somewhat moderate, but still focused on living life to the full each day.


I wonder if that should be my new attitude.  The end of the world (as we know it) is coming.  I expect to be blown away when it comes around.  I have tried so many times to be a good church member and active in the congregation.  Being there would be a far better place than where I am now.  Maybe I should settle for a very distant second best.  A hedonistic lifestyle.

I wanted to be a good Christian, but I just can't seem to make it.

Empty Promise

So, almost all of my previous posts are generally just reports of how low I feel and why.  Let's see if I can come up with something more positive for this go-round.  Well, maybe at least neutral.

I bought lots of sh*t last month.  Trying to make myself feel better I suppose.  I just feel poorer now.  Some of the stuff has to be configured with other (new) components.  I haven't even opened the boxes.

Dang, and this was supposed to be a positive, or at least neutral post.

OK, well I got promoted from Supervisor to Superintendent.  That was great.  I still have to work 10 - 12 hours per day.  I got a small raise this year.  It just doesn't mean much anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I would rather be promoted than demoted, or laid off.  So I count this as a blessing.  It is just that I am not happy.

I have heard people say that family is everything.  Others place a high value on their friends.  I don't have that.  It is just me now, and I hate that.

On the other hand, why am I crying in my beer?  I don't live in the town recently ravaged by a mile wide tornado.  I don't have a terminal disease (that I know of.)  I have all my limbs and fingers,  Both my eyes work.  I live in one of the richest countries on the face of the planet.  I know who God is; but I have consistently declined to serve him.  The rest just doesn't mean anything.