Change is Hard

So many issues, so much embarrassment.  I really dislike many aspects of this job.  Everyone else here seems to love it.  I just can't seem to get along with everyone.  I want to do a good job  but it is so difficult b/c I am not as smart as everyone around me.  People look at me like I am stupid, dull and slow.  They seem to tolerate me rather than to respect any contribution that I make.
I get respect from WiPro.  The people there love me and think I am doing a great job, in spite of my weaknesses.  But they are our vendors, not anyone who can positively influence my standing with CAQH.

The guys from PWC, Oh my goodness they walk around here like they own the place.  They are viewed with Awesome resources by many.  I think they stink.  Their customer service is awful.  They take way too long to do anything.  Their coding practices are terrible.  They employ young developers who are learning and their code shows it.

But they are deep and they can get virtually anything done we have needed.  It just costs way, way too much.

I am reaching a turning point, I hope.  I am starting to realize that I really must stop associating with these providers.  I can't even go out to dinner with them.  When the hearings start up again they will ask:

1. When was the last time you fornicated
2. When is the last time you even visited a provider,
3. When is the last time you looked at porn
4. When is the last time you looked at porn'ish TV

If I don't answer 1 year to at least the first three questions I believe they will deny my request for reinstatement.  So I'm aiming for a spring 2020 reinstatement.

I mean it's not just a matter of passing their test.  This is what I need to do to meet God's requirements.  Even listening to the rock I used to is the kind of "association" that pulls me back to the sh*t I'm trying to get away from.  If I keep doing like the TV and music that I know I need to quit, I will end up going back to the porn and providers I love so much.  We are what we feed our minds.

I mean I don't really think I'm going to make it.  I have failed too many times to believe that I will ever change.  I certainly know that change of this magnitude is possible with God's help.  I just don't think I can keep God's requirements and mandated practices long enough to get those kind of results.  Not that I don't want to, but I never have before and God has been there all along offering me his assistance.  And I failed to take it.  I don't see myself as being so different now that I can make the needed changes.

That's not to say I plan to stop trying.  I'll try to keep it up, I just think I will fail sooner rather than later.

Sh*t, I am so unhappy.  Every day is just another bout of unhappiness.


Well it is Days after I wrote the above.  I am still in a funk.  I avoided seeing a provider earlier this week by the skin of my teeth.  I don't want to see a provider in a macro sense but at any relatively microscopic point in time I do and will set it up.  Then as the microscopic speck passes I regret it and pray that they don't respond or that there is a problem in the scheduling/location/fees that make meeting not possible.  This week I just "went dark" on one provider even though everything else lined up.  I felt really bad about that.  How I imagine a jerk should feel (but they don't of course.)

My son is making great progress to getting himself reinstated.  He is going to submit his petition soon.  I think it will be approved.  So I only have a few weeks left to hang out with him before he has to start shunning me.  That's cool though.  God put this in place and I trust him that the procedure is correct.  I just hope he keeps up with the progress he is making.

Work is still depressing as I have to fight for everything I want to do that is different from the standard program here.  In spite of the success we enjoyed last year, the team is focused on checking the boxes on corporate compliance rather than on getting the job done correctly.  It is so hard when I hear other people extolling how great it is to work here, and how wonderful the people are, and how they enjoy coming to work.  Why is my experience so different?  Why am I so passionate about doing things "correctly" that I find it so difficult to sit back and watch other people waste time?

I was riding home yesterday and listening to an NPR piece on suicide.  I still think about it often, but not really seriously.  I don't think I will do that until after it is clear that God has rejected me.  Then it doesn't matter anymore.  (Of course I have to be CERTAIN that I am rejected and since it isn't like God is going to communicate directly, I don't think I would believe someone saying that "It's too late for you dude."  So I'll probably never do it.   I think back to the article I wrote not long ago when I outlined how I expect to die when the end comes.  Of course there I mentioned suicide several times.  That presumes I have knowledge of my Judgement.  It may be obvious at which time I would very likely do the deed.

When I think of the problems the Israelites had and how God kept saying "Return to me."  At least now I am trying to do that.  And, at least to my knowledge, the end has not yet come.  But still, who knows.  There are probably lots of tests that I will fail between now and when the end does come so it may be entirely obvious that my judgement is adverse. Oh well, I hate myself with good reason.

Crappy day all around.  No joy on any front, except that my study routine is getting better.  I just feel that every day, I am doing the things to make these last few weeks or days or hours that I have some control over my life are as comfortable as possible.  I even worry about trying to add a lot of additional things to the spiritual things I am doing because if I do, then I am libel to stop doing everything.  So I have to be really careful about not adding anything to what I do now.  Of course the case review panel will want to say "You have to do this" and "You aren't doing that,  Do thus and so for several months then come back to us and we will see .  .  ."

I have kind of decided that I will still just do what I think I can.  I am not willing to risk going back to square one b/c they aren't happy that I don't look up all the scriptures when I study the wt.  I am trying to serve God, not please them.  Sigh, I just hope I ever get to that point.

I'm 50 weeks away from sending in my petition.  So this isn't something I should even be thinking about.  Sh*t, right now I don't even read the wt before the meeting.

This is so d*mn depressing, kind of like working at the carwash blues.

How will I Die

I imagine the end of this system will come in a series of steps

1. Govt's Turn on BtG
1. The Event
1. Major Conflagration related to Religious Issue
1. Weapon of Mass Destruction (Nuclear / Bio-attack) deployed, and/or
2. Arab Spring type uprising in churches
3. Govt's realize this can't go on so they outlaw certain religious activity or start taxing the churches
4. Churches revolt, but it goes badly as Govt's clamp down
5. True Religion (TR) spared 'cause what ever clamps they put on TR knuckles under and does it.  
2. Church revolts which goes badly for them
3. Church Assets seized 
2. Initial Shock
1. People outraged at first,
2. Recognize that it happening so fast it isn't going to stop
3. Resignation / Acceptance 'Cause they don't want to be next.
3. Economic Impact
1. No more xmas
2. no more easter
3. big retailers are hurting
4. Cultural Impact
1. Recession / Depression
2. Free Love
3. New Wedding / Funeral Businesses
4. Greater emphasis on entertainment to fill the void
5. Termination
1. If I die during this time it could be in the conflagration that started the ball rolling.  (I think it will be in a 1st world country to get maximum impact.)
2. Could be suicide as Depression sets in big time.
2. Govt Turns on God's People
1. Pre- Event
1. TR starts preaching Judgement
2. The Event
1. Govt's Decide - TR could go down the same path as BtG so
2. Laws that impact them
3. TR doesn't budge on this 'cause they know God is more important
4. TR peeps herded into concentration camps.
3. Initial Shock
1. Good TR Peeps:  OK this is it.  Do what the society says
2. Good TR Peeps:  Time to walk away.  Glad I didn't have much to loose.
3. Good TR Peeps:  This is tough but the end is near so I should "lift my head"
4. Fake TR "Leaders" -  Follow me, there is a new way
5. Fake  TR:  OMG I'm loosing my house, my car
6. Fake TR:  OMG I can't live like this
4. Personal Impact
1. I loose everything since I owe Govt big time anyway
2. End up destitute and living on the street since I am df
3. Major depression sets in as I know my life is ending soon.
4. I try to get into the concentration camps but I don't hear about the things soon enough so I miss the train.  
5. Termination
1. If I die then it would probably be suicide.  I can't stand the fact that the end has come and I am out of the organization.  
2. Could also be the impact of someone like me (no social experience) living on the street and pissing the wrong person off or just getting robbed and killed.
3. Armageddon
1. The Event
1. Sign in sun moon and stars is neutron star impacting earth's position with respect to the moon.  (or an asteroid barrage)
2. Other mass loss through weather, earthquake, floods
3. Earthquakes as God puts the water back under the crust
4. Weather events as God puts the canopy back.
5. World knows it is from God 'cause Asteroids (or whatever) don't hit the concentration camps
2. Personal Impact
1. Scared to the point of emptying my bowels.  Can't refill them.
2. Hoping that maybe df persons would be saved too.  (futile)
3. Praying for help when it is clearly too late.
3. Termination
1. This is probably the ugliest.
2. I'll still be hoping for God's mercy (but it will be too late.)
3. I die mostly by myself.  mostly alone (b/c I ran for the hills) Could be water, earth swallowing me up, scared animals, mad and angry people, exposure, or just starvation.  Possibly suicide but if I make it this far, I may be in survival mode (kill or be killed - showing my true despicable self)

Train Ride Home

I got on the train to go home last night and before I got off, I had an appointment set up with a provider.  Gorgeous smart gal.  It is for tomorrow.  Im praying to God that something happen that I can't keep the appointment.  I imagine just sitting there talking the whole time.  That may actually be possible.  She is multi-lingual and well traveled.

I think seeing that reinstatement letter framework was a little damaging.  It showed me how far away from being ready to be reinstated I really am.  That is depressing.  That coupled with the cuddle provider no show on Sunday has lead to a real confidence nose-dive currently in.  Of course if I give in and do the nasty like I am planning, it teaches Satan and his team that the way to get mark to do something stupid is to rattle his cage.  D*mn I am so stupid!

So I figured out what I may have done wrong in dealing with the escaping provider.  I was on tinder for a while and for the few conversations I had, if I sensed lagging response I would sometimes ask "have I scared you off?"  It always worked.  They would respond relatively soon after that.  In every case they would deny being scared.  However they would disappear not long after that.  I think that in just asking the question I planted a seed that they should be scared of me.

I realized this a while back and stopped using that line.  However in texting with the escaping provider, I slipped up and asked her the same thing.  Sure enough she responded soon after, but then slipped away when faced with the reality of a real live meeting.  I guess I don't blame her.  I am a black man; I should know better than to plant that seed.

So I just tried planting that seed in the escort I'm scheduled to meet tomorrow.  Started with a text, then followed up with an email.  Doesn't seem to be taking root though.  This woman is really intelligent and I don't think she will be swayed.  Maybe if I pray hard enough God will intervene.  But of course since I set this up myself, I think that is just too much to ask for.  Like speeding down the highway, speed limit + 30, praying that God will save me if I get in an accident.  God expects me to slow down myself.  I am really screwed up in the head.

Actually I think I'm on auto-pilot.  I am responding to the sh*t I have been feeding myself on TV and on the internet.  So my sub-conscious is convinced that I NEED an escort to continue living.  It overrides the logical part of my brain that knows I am killing myself.

I tried listening to "Kingdom Music" yesterday.  It really wasn't as bad as I expected it to be.  I was totally surprised.  Of course that was a scant hour before I set up this latest meeting.  The world would call me conflicted.  I thing God will call me dead.  I hate where I am in this life.  I wish things were different, but not enough to make the change.  So I die .  .  .

Why doesn't that motivate me to change?   Probably b/c i just don't care about myself like a healthy human would.

Sometimes when reaching out to providers I end up chatting a bit.  I have to be careful b/c I don't want consume their time unless they really appear engaged and enjoying the banter, or unless we are actively progressing to a meeting.  Of course all that should end.  But I am realizing that this is my only social outlet.  I know it is wrong and bad but I can't seem to stop myself from doing this.  I hope I can put a button in this and cease and desist after today.  Honestly it isn't likely but I have to keep trying.  Actually I think the best thing for me to do is to keep up with the Text/BblRdg/BookRdg schedule I have set up.  That occupies my free time and helps me avoid getting engrossed in sites featuring my prurient interests.

I ended up working really late yesterday,  I was at work until 8:00 PM or so.  So here it is 1:00 PM the next day.  D-Day.  I'm feeling the dragging.  I'm holding off on the Adderall until later.  The email I sent to try to scare off my appointment this evening backfired.  She is even more interested now.  I should run away, but I won't.  I feel like I have a ring in my nose and that I am cowardly walking forward led by Satan's world, to the slaughter.  I pray but I can't even finish the prayer.  I know that what I am doing is wrong, and I keep doing it.  This is bad.  Bad.

Philosophy Rationality

Here I am, about to do something bad and I am not turning away.  I just keep moving forward.  Why?  (see above)  Is there anything beyond that.  OK it's bad, yes I'm stupid.  Both are accurate statements but how do I fix myself so that I don't keep doing the same thing as I have for the last 42 years.  The key is the subconscious mind.  Stop with the bad music and TV shows.  They feed Satan's crap directly to my still malleable subconscious mind.  Now it is overruling my logical part of the brain regularly.  So I don't have to be watching porn for TV to be killing me. (Just like the Watchtower has been saying all along.)  Stupid man!  I just had to see for myself.

The other part is the real need for social connection.  I'm still human.  Of course there isn't any one else that I'm really interested in connecting with and I can't talk to anyone in the organization, so nothing to do there. If I do my part God can handle this part. But, of course, I'm not doing my part so for now, I suffer.  I look everywhere for companionship.  And the cycle repeats.

To put it in perspective, this is a first world problem.  I have enough to eat and drink.  I have shelter and transportation.  I have more than enough clothes, coats and shoes.  I have no good excuse to offer God for my failure.

But I digress a bit.  What should I do?  Well it is pointless to list things like:

1.  Go to all the meetings
2. Study thoroughly for all the meetings,
3. Go out in Field Service (or Prepare for FS)
4. Pray hourly
5, Associate with the brothers
6. Read the Yearbook
7. Schedule Family Study time
8, Read a Bible book daily
7. .  .  .

Been there done that.  So I got two things I can really do to move forward.

1. Focus on doing the Text/BblRdg/BookRdg
2. Stop listening to Rock
3. Stop watching Stupid Netflix crap.

That I might actually be able to do.

Reality

So back to reality,  I'm planning to go in there and make any donation I may choose to do for her time and companionship.

I will try to engage in conversation and keep that going.

I am not resolved to let things go no further so they probably will.

How can I be so very stupid!

Reject TV Watch

Ultimate Rejection

So I have been looking for women to hang out on a variety of cuddle/snuggle web sites.  They  aren't what you might think.  The product they offer and provide (through what amounts to be independent contractors) is strictly platonic cuddling/snuggling for typically hour long increments.  I have used this service frequently in the past and found it worthwhile.  It is far less expensive than escorts (100 vs 600 per hour) however the providers are few and far between.  Given how picky I am this means there is usually a dearth of providers I'm interested in using.  There are 3 national companies espousing such services.  Thesnugglebuddies.com, cuddlecomfort.com (CC) and cuddlist.com.  If those names aren't exact a google/bing search will get you there. There are other local services but I think those are all the national service distribution points.

OK, on with the story.  I found a new provider that looked perfect about 2 weeks ago.  Joy of joys b/c there aren't many such.  So, I contact, make arrangements but the day before the snugglist drops a couch on her foot. She doesn't get checked out right away but Sunday AM, the day of my appt she is driving over, has to stop to get some ice for her foot, and is in discomfort.  As we are texting this back and forth I tell her to go to the urgent care which she does.

We set up for next week but she goes dark on me until Friday.  Apparently her car broke down driving away from my place the previous Sunday and will cost her 2+ grand to fix. She doesn't blame me for it, just that's what happened.  Then she gets really defensive about rubbing her feet.  Apparently this is a sexual trigger for her and I end up saying like 3 different times,  OK I won't touch your feet, promise!  Well the day comes and she tells me she is 5 minutes late.  Then she will be 15 mins late, then 30 mins late (apparently she had to drop her room mate off somewhere.).  Then she will be another 5 minutes late b/c she turned the wrong way.  I'm just going with the flow "no problem" I text back.

The next text I get says she isn't coming at all.  She says she got here and a really bad feeling came over her, so she just drove away.  I think she blocked my text messages and on the cuddle web site communication facilities.  Totally weird right?  Nope,  I think it is God keeping me safe from her.  Of course after that I watch porn and go crazy looking for some escort to make up for the wasted morning.  But to no avail, again, I think, because God is helping me.  So I pray and thank him for the help.  God apparently knows I can't do this by myself.

So is it really God helping me here, or just the jerk waves that radiate from my being whenever women in whom I have even just a remote interest come near.

TV

I didn't go to the meeting on Saturday.  Time came and I just didn't work up the needed intestinal fortitude (guts) to get into the shower and over to the Khall.   Another meeting is on tap today.  It is a 2 part meeting; I went to one of two parts last week.  I'm aiming to do 2/2 tonight.  I wouldn't be surprised if I miss altogether.  I have my boots and double socks to keep my feet warm.  I have a tie and a correct color shirt.  I even have the right jacket for the weather and formality of the event.  Of course that doesn't mean I'll go, but the lack of any of these items would (and has) been used as an excuse not to go.  I hope (and pray) that I'll make it.  We'll see.  I have to leave work at about 6:00 PM to make it.  (Leaving late is another excuse for not going.)

I saw a tv show about a club of kids growing up. 4 kids in high school is where the meat of the story lies.  Apparently one of the kids gets HIV and shares with the others.  Was it sex with the resident HS stud muffin (HSSM), IV drug use of one of the hotties?  It turns out that the good girl (had sex with the HSSM) got HIV as well.  Also the gay guy who may have shared it with his boy friend, no one knows who to blame (but that doesn't stop them from blaming someone.) Everybody cries.  NG, a very sobering ending to an otherwise trite teen angst movie.   I actually think about that now as I peruse the escort web sites.  Its getting harder to pull the trigger.

Reinstatement Watch

So my son is hoping to get reinstated soon.  He tried a month ago but got turned down.  He was kind of bummed about it.  He will try again soon.  Basically wait 2 months and then try again.  That is surprising since he only quit doin' the nasty back in November.  But he is optimistic.  I don't have that kind of optimism.  I did the escort thing again in mid Feb.  Two escorts back to back.  One was really poor, the other was really good.  I didn't have a great time with either but at least I enjoyed the latter quite a bit.  Of course that pushes soonest possible reinstatement into the fall.  After the obligatory first rejection I'll could try again in the winter, after a year has gone by.  Maybe then.  I honestly think they will want a full year to go by before they will believe that I'm sincere.  So Winter 2020.  Maybe 2/20/2020 I'll get back in, (presuming the way is still open then).  What a wreck my life has become.

The one good thing about almost having a woman come over is that I did get the place relatively straightened.  The place is neater than it has ever been in the last 2.5 years at least.  It hasn't helped my motivation any.  I am still the slack dog I have been for the last 12 years or so.  Oh my goodness, I so hate what I have become.  I am so ashamed, I grieve my loss of life, of time, of respectability, of decency, of opportunity to serve God.  There is no hope for me on this path.  But how do I get off it?  They say Study Meetings Prayer & Service (SMP&S.)  Well I can and have been doing SMP.  But the problem is that I mix a little porn into the mix which is like a reaction poison.  I can't get anywhere watching that sh*t.

I did a quick bing search for JW Reinstatement letters.  I found a bunch of information including a template for a brief but seemingly complete letter.  It nicely states the purpose and lists the "accomplishments" in a succinct way.  It has a little flowery language that doesn't sound like me "bring praise to his name."  I got rid of that.  I don't know if that is what they look for, but I hope not.  I just want to do like he tells me to b/c he is the one that has a right to tell me what to do and to expect compliance on multiple valid levels.   If behavior brings praise to his name and that is what he wants, then all the better.  Anyway I spent a lot of time on that and was feeling good.  It feels like I might be turning a corner.  Actually making that decision to do God's will rather than my own.  That coupled with what appears to be clear assistance from God lately and I got all fired up.

Of course the king of spiritual screw-ups would have to mess this up right?  Yes, you are so correct.  I immediately turned to the web and started looking for one last hook-up.  I have one message out and waiting for a reply.  I expect nothing, or at best a rejection, but hopefully nothing will come of it.  The best  I can hope for is to "just" miss the meeting again.  Dumb-*ss.

So I spent the train ride home, much of the non-sleeping time yesterday evening, and then again this morning (at home) and on the train ride in, looking for, reaching out to (via email and text) a provider for sometime this week.  So far nothing has hit but there are still one or two requests outstanding that might.  Honestly I think I am going to die for sure.  I just cannot force myself to stop this.  It's like I decide not to do it anymore and then boom, there I go again, on the sites running queries, looking for candidates.

The only thing that seems to be helping is how very selective I am.  The ones I like are so very expensive.  I just can't do that.  There are a few mid range candidates and every now and again I see a bargain come through.  They are hard to arrange b/c they are pretty busy and they often don't stay in town long, or their rates don't stay low for very long.  But of course that is all good b/c none of this is good for me.  It is absolutely killing me.  On a positive note I got another rejection while writing this.  But there is still I think one outstanding request that could hit.  If it does, I'm a goner.

So sitting back and thinking a bit, there are only really two that I am interested in seeing now.  They have both rejected my initial outreach.  Of course, being the king of spiritual stupidity, I reached back out to one of the people that rejected me and suggested an alternative.  So I don't know what will happen there.

I mean, this is so difficult to deal with.  I have no friends, none, zip, nada, goose egg, zero, zilch, zed, etc.  .  .  .   These escorts are my only outlet to the real world of human interaction on a social level.  I already know that there is virtually no one here at work that I can engage pleasantly on a regular basis.  Which means that apart from the rather unpleasant work interaction, I got no one to talk to.   And I have to keep this up for a year in order to ask to be reinstated with any real hope of a positive response.  I honestly don't think I can do that.  Of course with God, all things are possible.   However God's patience is not infinite.  I wouldn't be surprised if his patience with me has run out.  I expect that it will if it hasn't already done so.

Meeting my Needs

So I didn't get enough sleep last night.  And sure enough it is 1:30 in the afternoon and I am pulling my hair out b/c I am so dang tired and sleepy.  I can hardly keep my eyes open.  I can't tell you how many errors I have fixed just in these first few sentences of this post.

I am glad I have a "standing" desk so if I really get bad off I can just elevate the desk and go from there.   I can tell I'm going to need to do this sooner rather than later.  I found myself sleep typing on that last sentence.  That is when you already have figured out what you are going to say all the way to then next period, so your brain goes to sleep while your fingers type.  By time you get to then end of the sentence you have to wake yourself back up to figure out what the next sentence is going to be.
I am all up in the air on how to deal with this.   For now I am going to take a walk and get another ice water drink.  We'll see how that works out.

So I went looking at Maslow's hierarchy of needs.  I heard it stated recently that the way we respond to stimuli  is a reaction to filling our unmet need.  I think that is why I sometimes want to act like a know it all because I want to be respected.  But I usually end up making people respect me less b/c I reflect the fact that I don't know what I am talking about.  I just make myself look stupid.

I did have a big lunch, 1/2 BLT and 1/2 Bowl of chili plus chips.  I am sure that is part of the problem.

So I took an Adderall when I started feeling really sleepy about 1/2 hour ago.  I actually feel a little better now.  It's not that I feel good, just less bad, less sleepy, a little less lethargic than before.  Good stuff.  Let me mark that down in the Good Drugs category.  Got to get me some more o-dees.

So I was just reading how Isaiah never saw the fulfillment of God's prophecies.  So while I am tired of wading through this damaging world, tired of being kicked and punished, I know that others have suffered far worse.  It is just that those who are close to God can rely on others of the same faith to provide support and encouragement.  I can get the same and more for just 400 - 600+ USD per hour.

First world problem.  Even though the need for belonging is in the middle of the hierarchy.  Security of income is even lower.  I always feel this is at risk, for reasons that I won't go into here.

I told a female friend of mine that she appeared in a sex dream I had recently.  She hasn't responded.  I should start calling her a female former acquaintance.  I think she got really pissed.  I mean it wasn't a really explicit dream, but it was most definitely a sex dream.  I know it was stupid of me to do that, but really our relationship had decayed into exchanging emails once every other quarter or so.  We never talk verbally or even IM.  She was someone I used to be in love with way back in college.  But that is water under the bridge now.  I think my email address has been blocked in all her accounts.

I have a tentative date with a cuddlist on Sunday.  I tried to contact her on Wednesday to confirm.  Still haven't heard back from her.  I suppose I should call it VERY tentative now.  Crap!  She seemed like a really nice person.  Don't know how she figured out I am such a jerk.  I guess she sensed the jerk waves coming off my text message.  Got to figure out how to keep that in check.

Still Hating

I felt really awful yesterday evening.  Tinnitus ringing loudly.  I was hungry as all get-out and I felt really tired.  I went to the meeting anyway.  I only stayed for the first hour though.  I missed the last 20 minutes or so of the portion of the meeting I attended due to sleep sitting.  I really don't know how to fix that.  I will try to go home right on time tonight.  Leave maybe at 6:00 to be sure I get home by 7:30 PM.

I get so very much sleep on the weekend, I can't imagine why I am so very sleepy on Monday evening.  Just something I have to live with until I figure it out I guess.  Definitely a first world problem.  Why am I complaining.

The truth seems to be drifting away like a distant memory now.  The ideas of making i into the new system are fading.  They still come up in dreams but, that is all it is, just a dream.  I don't want to go away and be killed but looking at my record I don't see myself avoiding it.  Life is just constant pain of knowing that I am a failure and that nothing I can do makes any difference, well except the money I give.  I just hope I can keep doing that.  That is all the good I do, really.

I had dinner with my son again this evening.  He got married to someone I don't really like much, but he tied the knot.  He knew I wouldn't approve so he didn't bother inviting me to the ceremony.  I don't even know when it was exactly.

I am so very tired right now.  I don't understand why.  It is like I am sleep writing.  My eyelids are heavy and I just hope no one comes up to my cube b/c I look so tired that I know that I would be unable to look at a visitor without them knowing that I was half asleep or crying.  But fortunately I am not well liked by my colleagues.  I don't get many visitors.  I am an lonely ugly and fat old black man.  And I am so embarrassed to admit that.  The trouble is that it is all true.

I hate myself just so very much.  Suicide appears to be a really viable option now.  I can't recover from my depression.  I know that my record of serving God is really poor.  Armageddon is coming.  I know being killed by God may be a very torturous experience.  So why not control how I die.

Well, Idiot, it is because you dedicated your life to God.  Your life is not your own to take away.  For as long as you draw breath, you owe it all to Him.  Well, dear reader, you know how the rest of this goes, around and around.  It is just shit.

I just caught myself sleep sitting again.  Just for a few seconds this time.  Next time will probably be a little longer.  So this is my day.  Over and over again I go to work, address very tedious issues that I don't really enjoy.  I get shit on by other people and ignored by the rest, sometimes actively so.

I'm done.  Got to try and work a bit more before COB.  I am sleep sitting some more.  Don't know what is going on.  Why am I so very tired.

How Else Can I Describe Another Terrible Post

Every post, just more frustration, more bad news.  I really can't handle this which is why I am slowly going crazy.  I find myself talking to myself when I am walking the city streets.  Right now it is just a sentence or two.  But It is getting worse.

I found out I have some serious kidney issues.  As usual I am just turning away from the problem rather than facing it.

Tried to set up a meeting with a provider today.  It didn't work out.  Her hotel was inconveniently located so I couldn't easily get there.  Seemed like a nice gal.  Very pretty as far as I could tell.  It is crazy that I keep reaching out but can't get anywhere.  Of course it is a good thing.  Every time plans fall through I thank God that they did b/c I know that this is a bad thing that I am trying to do.

However I also know that God will not continue to keep me from hurting myself indefinitely.

Weekend is coming up tomorrow.  I'm going to try again to get to the meeting on Saturday.  I don't know if I will make it but I'm going to try again. After that there's shopping, mailing the key and a fet other things.

Need to get back to doing the WT on Sunday mornings.  The deacons will ask about that and probably won't let me back in until I am doing the WT.   So I'll try to integrate this into my study plans.

I had been doing well reading on the train coming in, at lunch and then going home.  I forgot my book on Wednesday and that threw everything off.  I will have to work hard to get back on schedule.  Maybe this isn't the week to try and do the WT.  We'll see.  I wouldn't be surprised if I end up laying around the house all weekend watching tv and eating pizza.

I am so often pausing and just feeling this deep seething hatred for myself.  This is an absolute loathing of the man I have become.  It is not just in all the ways I fall short of the goals I set for myself, it is just how wrong the goals were in the first place.  I think about the good advice I got from some and how I ignored it.

My day to day life just hurts.  No I'm not hungry, and I don't usually get beaten, but the mental anguish of knowing what a failure I am coupled with the true understanding that it is my fault.  I had the knowledge to do the right thing, just not the wisdom.  And once on that road I have been unable to find a useable exit.  I know it must exist, God doesn't require the impossible.

Well it's a long day and it is just about over.  I think about suicide often now.  I dread every day.  It seems like things just keep getting worse.  I can't make it better no matter what I do.  I am running way low on energy to do anything differently.  Everything just feels badly.  I only have death to look forward to based on my current situation.  Maybe there is time to make it back to God's company but I just don't see myself putting forth that kind of consistent effort.