Some Good - w/ a Lot of Bad Mixed In

I went to the meeting last night.  I saw my son.  He was very late (as has become his norm.)  Still it was good to see him there.  One weird thing happened.  I left quickly as I usually do.  I was a good 20 feet outside the front door when someone calls my name.  It was one of my son's adult friends who just wanted to say "hi."  So she said "hi" and I returned the greeting after which he went back inside.  I walked the rest of the way to my car wondering what that was all about.

I think it is now that my very popular son is back in the congregation he unwittingly pricks their conscience and they feel like "O let me say to 'Hi' to his father so I will feel better."  Cynical, I know, but when you are isolated as long as I have been, lots of strange things make sense.

If I ever gave up entirely, I know what my new hobby would be.  An interesting use of the word.  When I was reading escort reviews on Monday (holiday) I noticed a few guys referring to their practice of frequenting escorts a "hobby."  I suppose the term fits.  However, I don't like the fact that it makes it sound like this practice (of visiting escorts) is legitimate.  I know it isn't, It's just wrong.

Still I need a diversion.  Something that doesn't take up too much time but is enjoyable.  I think it would somehow soothe my brain.  I should just read more.  That requires more mental effort but that's a good thing.  I thought about going to Starbucks to do so, but didn't thinking "I can read here just as well."  Actually I can't there is simply too much distraction at home.  Well it is something to shoot for.  Just pick up a book instead of turning on TV.

I worked a long time yesterday and came home around 9:30.  I got very little sleep due some gastrointestinal distress.  Now here I am at 7:30 trying to determine how I can possibly make it through the day.  I just want to lay down and go to sleep.  Escorts are still on my mind.  I have identified 3 that would be a good fit for me, and one additional escort I admire.  I have returned to her page many times.  Contrary to the less bubbly an doutgoing other 3, Tara seems to be just a good solid person you can have fun with.  It nearly goes without saying that she is totally drop-dead gorgeous (DDG.)

She is visiting DC in late June/Early August.  Of course the other is in town but seems to specialize in "In-Call" service.  But each time I have to ask myself, do I really want to spend 350 - 500 USD per hour on a date?  That is so steep, and I know I'd rather have a surface.  Maybe I can use this trade-off to my advantage.  Focus on the cost, and stop dwellinv on the pleasurable possibilities.  It is strengthened by the Surface3 promotional launch.  Now I can imagine something standing in place of the money I would spend on these women.

I have made it through about a week of relatively consistent Bible reading.  I just got into Exodus today.  I am using a very good and modern translation.  It is much easier to understand.   My sister got it first and when I saw it I asked for it.  This is the large print version of a Bible.  It is just what I need to start my days at work.


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Escorts Front & Center

Well the good news is that I didn't see Kyra.  The bad news is that I won't grow at all.  I won't have a memorable experience.  I won't have something to look forward to when she returns.   Big sigh, I made my choice and I know, beyond doubt, that is the correct one.  Just not the fun one.

I am still sad all the time.  With this medication I can still work.  I need to expand the work to my other house.  I need to bring it home to my condo.  I am thinking that maybe I am exhausting myself working long hours for the company.  Leaving little energy for the weekend, and working at home.  I really don't know and I don't want to experiment.  Work is really going smoothly now and I don't want to mess that up.

However I am dying spiritually.  I had a system, but with no motivation to get it done, I am still dying.  So I keep hangin' around the congregation while they all ignore me.  I know that I should go to the meetings.  So that is what I do.  There is no physical impairment keeping from doing what I should.  Maybe if I think of paradise, it might make a difference.  I guess all my life I just assumed I would be there in spite of the bad twists and turn I have taken.  Crazy I know.  But there it is.  I know consciously that I am not making it.  I know the mandate from God, I know he deals severely (as in with deadly force) with those who choose not to do his will.  I don't think I have a good chanced of surviving.  I always thought that I could turn it around.  But I can't seem to do that now.  And I look over my life and I never have before.  Twenty percent.  That's what I think my chances are.  I probably won't make it.  But is enough of a chance to keep trying.  While death brings relief from pain, it also means no more joy.  I know that Joy is possible, even now in a spiritual sense but it is so far away and I feel incapable of crossing that chasm.  God could help me if he wanted.  I am very sure he has in the past.  He may be helping me right now, or at least ready to help if only I would grasp it.  I don't think I know how.  He probably knows that I do know deep down inside, and he is waiting to see if I do the right thing (whatever that is.)

I should really pray more.  Maybe I can add that to Meeting attendance and prayer.

2 & 1/2 days into a long weekend and I have wasted about 2 1/2 days.  Binge watched "Hell on Wheels" through 2 seasons.  I ate too much, and slept too much.  Didn't go to work to do the performance reviews.  I didn't read my bible.  I didn't even go to the meeting on Sunday.  I looked for more "providers" of companionship.  All bad things.  I have decided to stop watching TV until 2020.  What a blackguard I have become.  No wonder God has abandoned me.  I walked, possibly ran away from him and am refusing to do his will.  (Oh yea, and I didn't work out either.)  I started a load of washing.  I am so poor.  That is the only positive thing I have done.  I can't believe what an idiot I have become.  I used to blame it on depression.  Now that I am on medication I don't have any excuse anymore.  I just so very much hate what I have become.  A useless wart fallen off the buttocks of the congregation.  I know that others want to help (obviously not very badly, but still a sentiment is there.)  I always thought that the assistance would be a little more active.  But those guys are real busy with people who deserve assistance.  Not dead warts.

I suppose I should quit feeling sorry for myself and make something of myself.  I lack the motivation to pick up after making a bowl of oatmeal.  The salt pepper and box of raisins are left out until I feel like putting it away.  Sometimes a day or two later.  The counter top is stained with coffee for days on end before I feel like cleaning it up.  So with me in that state, how the hell am I going to go to all the meetings, study for them all and then do personal study, read the bible, memorize the scriptures and presentations I need to to go out in FS.  And pray.  It feels impossible.  And the deacons really don't know what to do, and neither do I.  I am lost to Satan's world.  I still resist him, but I can clearly see that I am loosing the fight.  Yes there are a few victories here and there.  I didn't see Grace, and later I didn't see Kyra.  But see now, not inviting the company of escorts has become my "victory."  How far this weak man has fallen; when not visiting an escort is his singular victory.  I really don't like life.  Apart from a funny joke, I haven't been truly happy for almost 10 years.

A few days ago I decided that I have a 20% chance of living through Armageddon.  I thought that maybe i was feeling pessimistic.  Now I think I may be too generous.  I wish I knew what else to try.  I wish the Deacons did.  I wish I had a zest for life.  Maybe then I would be motivated by do God's will.  I should be motivated by the fact that he is the greatest personage in the universe.  I wish the whole world praised his name so that I wouldn't stand out as being so different.  Nonetheless, this is what he requires, and he doesn't ask for things that we can't do.  So I am the fool, the errant one at fault.  The failings are my own.

So not watching TV I began surfing the internet.  The one thing I fixated on is finding another Escort.  It took hours to comb through the advertisements, visit their webs site, read reviews, etc. I learned a lot of acronyms from this industry on one site that gave a menu's list of offerings.  Interestingly, Kyra did not list anything.  I think that speaks to her refusal to be compromised and compartmentalized.  She breaks the mold, Can't wait until she gets back.

Service to God or service myself; guess which one has won.  Now how the hell am I gonna unseat the winner?  I want to and I don't at the same time.  That's not good enough for God.

Waiting for the Next Blow to Land

Apparently I was added to Kyra's email list and I got a note from her saying that she will be in town and is looking forward to seeing her clients.  She lives in Toronto but really likes Washington DC.  The urge to see her, though, has noticeably diminished.  I reread it a couple of times yesterday and then again this morning and the urge just isn't as strong.  I think looking at the surface tablet that costs a little more than a date with Kyra helped me put a value on that money.  And while I really would like to go on a date with Kyra, there are so many other things that I could do with that money, it makes it more apparent that doing so would be unwise.

Now I look at her emails and say:  "I'd rather have the Surface."  It also occurs to me that I really want to take a nice vacation.  Kyra's fee would be almost half the cost of a really nice vacation.  And, of course, if I see Kyra once, I will see her again.

Now, I have seen this drop in drive before.  It was a trick my mind was playing on me to get me to drop my guard.  The urge (not the same one as now) came back again a day or two later and overwhelmed the mind.  So I really need to get my act together and stay alert for the next wave of desire.

Deep down inside, I just really hate what I have become.  Essentially no marketable skills, and no standing in my religion.  I have no friends and no relatives with whom I am comfortable speaking about these things.  My finances are a mess, my life is out of control, I look at the mountain of work needed to move forward in any area of my life.  It would be debilitating were it not for the drugs I am taking.

So it's Friday, Kyra is in town.  If I want to meet her, now is the time to send the email.  But, I must conclude that it is just too expensive.  I can't afford it.  And honestly, I'd rather have a Tablet PC like the new Microsoft Surface Pro 3.  Of course that is more than the cost I was planning to spend on Kyra.  but, it is a poor investment.

On a positive note, I have started doing my bible reading.  I did so every day this work week.  I don't see myself keeping it up.  I never continue with a good spiritual routine.  And, of course, I can't seem to develop the motivation to do so unless I am in deep trouble and want God's help.

Heart Healthy

I have to say that the heart is putting up more of a fight than I ever imagined.  I have been looking at her website frequently over the weekend right into this morning.  Since she obscures her face (as is normal,) I can't see her expression.  The images themselves are posed, rather than her flowing into them.  So I don't get much from them other than she likes to be drinking something (which is obviously something with which she decided to pose.)

Her reviews are consistently good, what little of them I can see.  However since they are so brief, there is little insight.  Again the logical conclusion is:  stay away.  I could spend a grand and have nothing but bitter memories.  And OBTW,  my car needs tires, and an oil change.

And the heart tugs on.  Still trying to justify the logically unjustifiable.  I have come to the conclusion, I don't want more stuff.  I want experiences.  The danger is that some experiences will get me kicked out of the congregation.  I am thinking that maybe I could use this escort for the next company event.  However she is just too cute.  And that would be awfully dangerous.

An evening passed. it's now morning, a new day.  The heart tugs on.  Looking for any rational way of convincing myself.  The plan seems to be to make myself think about it so much that I just act out.  That is, do what I want to do despite the consequences.  I would say that I am very close to doing so.  I can't really tell based on my internal feelings, but that's normal before doing something bad.  I think that I have myself under control, right up to the moment that I am doing that which I had previously decided not to do.  I found last night that Kyra is 35 years old.  That sounds like a perfect age for a woman.  And the heart dreams on.

The more I think about this, the more I realize that it my heart scheming to over-rule my mind.  I think of what it will feel like to make the decision.  I consider how I would word the email.  I think a bit about how I will feel after, but focus on how warm and good I felt after talking to Grace.  One more point for the heart.

It's the end of the day and the heart continues to battle for control of my actions.  During the day I created a draft of a note to Sandi, Kyra's assistant, saying guesss what, I'm getting back to DC just in time.  Any openings left?  I haven't sent it but, it is there poised and ready to click.  Score another point for the heart.

I really hate what I have become.  I think I want to serve God but my actions just don't show it.  So it appears that I do not wish to serve God.  Yet I keep hangin' around the congregation.  Year after flippin' year.  Hoping that some day I will start doing what I should done all along,

So here we are another day has gone by.  I went to church last night and, while I don't enjoy the meeting, I do think I was somehow strengthened in my resolve to hold the course of abstinence.  Also I saw a new Microsoft Tablet (Surface Pro 3) and that is about the same price.  I'd much rather have the tablet than this experience.  Score 4 for the mind.

It's Time to Make up My Mind

Now I am in a sort-of limbo.  The escort is coming to town next week for only a few days.  The heart still wants to meet her and I left the door ajar.  It wouldn't be too unreasonable to say:  "Plans changed and I will be in town after all."  I hope the head stays in control since I have an inkling of how powerful the heart can be (and has been in my case.)  The thought of staring into a very beautiful woman's face right across the dinner table, or walking arm in arm on a warm spring night is so very appealing.  Especially since the only way that will likely happen is that I will have to pay for it.

From a pecuniary standpoint, this is optimal.  These escorts are both very expensive and very wrong.  So cost is helping me in my decision to do the right thing.  Doing the wrong thing is just so flippin' expensive.  A natural access barrier is there that keeps me away except at specific times when my heart shoves that barrier aside.  Like I said, I hope my head will stay in control.

It's lunchtime and I have gotten some good stuff done this morning.  During the brief pauses I contemplate what it would have been like if I met with the escort.  I think about what sort of questions I would have asked her and how she might have responded.  Of course I imagine the best, my ideal.  That's probably not her at all.  Hopefully, I'll never know.

So the weekend is over and I am back to work after a too short and too lazy weekend.  I wanted to come into work and do all this extra stuff, but no.  I did laundry and went to church, went shopping and that's about it.  Though long term readers will realize that is better than most weekends, it is still pathetic.  That's the sort of list that gets done on Friday evening and is complete by Saturday morning.  Nonetheless, it is  better than I have done most weekends.  So I started upping the dose of my medication since, while it seems to work well for my work habits, it hasn't spilled over to my home life.  There I am just as lethargic as ever.

And, oh yes.  I am still struggling with the decision to see the escort.  While there is really only one answer that makes logical sense, my heart is waging a fierce and pitched battle to change my mind.  I really want to have dinner, breakfast, lunch with a beautiful woman.  I want to have a nice conversation with someone who is smart, beautiful and open-minded.  I don't know if this escort has a kind heart.  I can't discern that from the limited information she has on her web site.  Not that the website is lacking from a comparative perspective.  She has content that is consistent with some of the best sites I have seen.  Yet it lacks the sort of information that provides enough insight into her true nature.   Not that that should factor in the decision process, it is just weight my heart wants to use to overturn my head's decision.

For now, I decided to see her if her assistant reaches out, but not otherwise.  A silly decision point, but it is the best I can do.

For the life of me I can't be sure why I want to take this course.  I could certainly get professional help for my depression far less expensively.  There are other ways of meeting people, however, no matter how I go about doing so.  The process will lead to rejection .  I am at a point right now where I rejection is very painful.  The thing about buying time with an escort is that you won't get rejected (if you have done your homework.)  You are guaranteed a nice visit (again if you chose well.)  I think that that is what I want.  To have a social visit with a beautiful woman and to be treated like a really great guy.  And all being done by a gorgeous and intelligent woman.  I feel elevated by doing so.  Yes there are some other benefits:  1.  Limited experience dating, 2. Talking with a beautiful woman without being as mal-affected by shyness as would otherwise be the case.   3. Possibility of learning some new insights from her.  The reasons not to are legion.
The heart or the head -- who will win?

! Again

Some programming languages use the character "!" to indicate the logical notion of "Not."  So you can do operations like If x !=0; y/x; Else; 0.  That isn't valid syntax in any language but it gets the point across.  So I reached out and cancelled the date with the escort.  The plans were in limbo anyway as her assistant waited for a response from a prior provider.  They do this for their own protection and it is normal and reasonable.  I was "possessed" this morning and I ripped off a short note indicating my plans had changed and I wouldn't be available.  And then the heart chimed in (the heart wants what the heart wants):  "Let me know if hear from the first provider.  I want to be "approved" for when this new potential partner is available in the future."

Sh*t.  I just cannot seem to make up my mind.  Of course, if I keep dithering God will make it up for me.  And I'll wind up a crispy critter (or suffer some other vile termination.)  I know cancelling was the right thing to do, however when it was on, it really gives me something to look forward to.  And when things go well, I keep thinking about the wonderful experience long after.  It is so inspiring to sit across a dinner table and talk with a beautiful woman.  Of course I have to pay, since I am old, fat and ugly now.  Actually I would have had to pay when I was young and skinnier.  It just never happened.  The women I like are out of my league. I did accept something less when I was married.  I fell in love with her over time and I was OK with her looks which were above average, though not stunning.  However that marriage ended and I am back on the prowl, for all the good it will do.  

So I am willing to pay for the privilege.  Of course the Deacons would take a dim view of this.  Actually a "black" view.  (Not in the racial sense.)  I mean that I might be black listed if I did it and told them about it later.  "So just don't tell them" some of you may say.  I say, "This is all about serving God.  He knows anyway so I still have to take the punishment."  

So ultimately I am not willing to pay the price.  The monetary value is a no-brainer.  It is the cost I would have to "pay" to God for such a thing that gives me pause.  This makes twice in a row that I make arrangements for a date and I decide to back out later. Interestingly both times I did the old "Maybe later" thing.  Of course God sees that as well.  I think that I am just so desperate for attention from someone like these providers, that I actually consider such a stupid and dangerous move. 

Right now I am feeling glad I cancelled.  Later I will regret it.  And then I will bounce back and forth until the next opportunity to see a special someone reappears.  In hydraulics, there is something called a dither valve, that keeps an otherwise stationary cylinder moving slightly back and forth.  It is used to allow for smooth and fluid motion as, without this, a hydraulic piston's seal would take a set on a stationary shaft.  The first movement from that set position would be a jerk.  I suppose if I were a dither valve, I'd be a damn good one.

So what now, am I going to sit around and wait for the next opportunity.  Well, I hope not.  i'd like to get my posterior in gear and study the Bible like I mean it.  Of course when have I ever said that before  .  .  .

As I have said before so many times, I just don't know what to do.  So I hear that sometimes it is important to just do something!  Even if it is the wrong thing, the perturbation of the situation yields insights that can help you define the right course.   In my case the  good moves never last and the bad ones continue, as Ms Simon says: "comin' around again."  So I'm just dying.  If I decided to leave God, I think I could figure out how to make a happier existence for the remaining minutes, weeks or decades left before Armageddon.  This limp hearted effort I put into His service leaves me frustrated and sad.  I never feel good about myself.  I never feel happy and I don't look forward to anything except a date with an escort.

Escort (Yet Again)

Making arrangements to see a new provider, given that the previous one I liked so much is leaving the country.  Already feeling regret for reaching out to her.  Not just b/c it is so expensive, but also it is wrong by God's standards.

If I go through with this, it has to be the last time.  (Famous last words.)

I suppose I really haven't figured out what I want from these escorts.  I think it is the rush that comes from getting close to the "edge."  I know, beyond reasonable doubt, that one day the edge is going to move and I'll be standing in thin air.  Just ask Wile E. Coyote. (You'll have to watch for the sign since he never says anything.)

I make fun but this is deadly serious.  I could mess up really badly here and get myself kicked out of the congregation.  It would mal-affect my brother  and my son.  The two people closest to me.  Oddly, they let my son back into the congregation just last week!  How awful would that be if a week later I get kicked out.

But the freight train is on the tracks and headed in my direction.  And all I keep doing is waving it on as I stand center tracks, as close as I possibly can.  Maybe God can help.  I'll try praying for that.  But the thing is we have to act in harmony with our prayers, and I'm just not doing that.  Do I really love the world so very much that I would sacrifice my life for just a few more miserable years in a dying system.  I do imagine it would be very different to change if you are George Clooney or Jack Welch.  The world has granted those people fame, status and power which will all go away when the new system comes.

What I get is a nice paycheck, by lower middle class standards, and that's about where the benefits stop.  The rest of my life is a mess.  And, as I have explained earlier, my consistent attempts to to get back into the church organization are met with ultimate failure in all cases.

So all this is up b/c I am trying to set up an appointment with an escort.  She seems like she is really nice but one never really knows.  It's a lot of money but I think I will go through with it.  This is a clear example of my heart leading my head.