!NaCL4Me

So this is the week, the escort is in town.  I have written and continue to perfect a letter that says "I changed my mind (again) and now I want to see you."  It doesn't sound nearly so pathetic as that.  So those who know the story of Lot's escape from the doomed cities with his wife and kids know that I am still playing the part of his wife.

The thing is I would still end up spending nearly a grand.  Not b/c that's the new rate, (I'm apparently grandfathered in at the old social rate) but because I would want to just be generous.  So there's that.  Also I know the probability is significant that I would do so and, at this late date, she has no availability.  Then here I would sit, disloyal to God and without the benefit of that which I wanted.  That would really suck lemons.

New Day:  really I should not do so b/c I want God to be happy.  Of course now, which is worse, seeing the Escort or going out with my df ex-wife.  I rationalize the latter saying that there is positive in having my kid with both her parents together.  I think he likes that and appreciates the few times we are all together.  Nonetheless she is shunned (formally kicked out of the church circle) and I'm not supposed to have anything to do with her.   I think that most would agree that the Escort is worse but on what scriptural basis?  I guess it would be like hanging out with anyone who chooses a lifestyle radically and flagrantly different from God's standard - like going out with a politician.

Who knows, who cares.  It seem that no one really does (except God, and it seems I just don't meet his standards.)  I have been in this situation before where I have struggled to do the right thing.   And when I do, there are no angels singing or harps playing.  The next day comes and goes with the same crap to deal with.  Yes I am sure I have benefited myself by not having done the bad thing.  I just wish it was obvious.

New Day:  So yesterday I deleted the (unsent draft) email to the escort.  I suppose that I got tired of dithering and the head logic finally won out over the heart.  I still HMS for not following through, but I know this is the best (actually the only correct) decision.  It hurts to realize I have to go back to the censure committee, but there is no other choice.  One new committee member offered a KM a couple of weeks ago.  He indicated he would get it to me on the next meeting.  I downloaded a copy anyway and sure enough after 2 weeks he hasn't delivered.  He's really busy though.  There were countless times I did the same thing.  IHMS for doing so 'cause now I see that it really is disappointing on the receiving end.

And oh yea, no singing, no harps.  Just another meeting in which I struggle to stay awake.

I guess in summary, maybe I am not looking my shoulder but it could be that I am not evacuating the city, maybe I have left the house and haven't gotten out of my neighborhood.  Of course if that is the case then I'll get burned with the fire or crushed with the brimstone (whatever the hell that is.)  I suppose in that case salt may have been better - dead, but at least it wouldn't hurt as much.

NaCl

So I turned my back on my escort (though wishing she was Rahab - though if she like Rahab, it certainly wouldn't be me to make the connect) and toward God.  However for the past several days I keep looking over my shoulder.  Wanting, hoping that she will email anyway and the conversation (and soon to follow appointment) would be on again (my fervent hope.)  One of these days I am going to turn into a pillar of salt.  (Genesis 19:26 - I cite scriptural references 'cause it makes me feel smart.)

I realize this woman is so far out of my league that any connection (beyond a professional one) would be uproariously laughable.  But I have always done that.  I just can't believe just how socially inept I have been.  It pains me to recall these events to mind.  The stab my heart and make it hurt at times like this.  I feel so unworthy and inadequate.  I am totally ashamed of myself.  I just want to go away.
I keep realizing over and over that I MUST find a doctor and get back on medication. I am a jerk and a freak.  I can't work efficiently and in many cases effectively without the drugs.  I have to get them back.  I don't know how to carry on without them

So the bitch is talking to her surrogate censure committee.  The moved away from the location (and hence congregation) of the original one so a second one was formed at her current location to review her case.  They will formally convene to hear her plea for mercy tonight.  I suggested she write a script and read it to them.  Sounds like she is going to do that.  I think she will finally get off the shunning list (non-practice-rs seem to like to call it.)

She will likely get off all censorship levels before I do.  Everyone likes her.  They talk to her and look the other way when I look at them.  They treat my son much better also.  He will be submitting his plea for re-connection soon as well.

Getting my act together really shouldn't be so hard.  I need the drugs and then it will all be clear.  I am also not sleeping right.  It leaves me exhausted during the day but every morning I am waking up at 1:00 oe 2:00 AM.  If I get up then or not, I end up really tired during the day.  Oh well,  I need to get on the phone.

Rahab

I was feeling so much better before and now it is like a depression cloud is coming over me.  It is fast moving in that I can feel myself slowing down and becoming unresponsive.  I think that before it was more gradual.  I am hating the onset of this struggle.  It is like feeling walls close in.  Before long, if I don't get help, no matter how much I struggle I won't be able to move.

It may be because my mom died recently and that has me really upside down.  It may be because her death led my brother to depend on me more than before.  It may be because as I look at the house where my mom lived, there is just so much work that needs to be done there it is depressing.

I also attempted to make an appointment with an escort.  I think this is the real reason I am feeling so badly.  God is unhappy with that decision and I think he is letting me know it.  Right now I am thinking that I will keep the appointment because I hate dithering over issues especially once a decision is announced.  But then again many years ago I announced that I would serve God and here I am doing something directly against that.

I told the escort that I didn't want "full service" that this would be a social visit.  Yet it still costs quite a lot.  I may even need a new coat since it will be chilly but not too cold.  I have a heavy jacket but not medium weight formal outerwear -- a pea-coat is what I perceive I will need.  This is a provider I engaged previously and described in an earlier post.

Anyway, I think God is highly displeased that I chose to make this appointment.  I think it is like I said:  "yea, yea, yea, I know what you say about bad association (1 Cor 15:33)  but this is different, I need to talk to someone."  As If God didn't already know that!  If he wanted me to talk to someone he could make that happen.  But by making an expensive escort appointment to have someone to talk, well that was just foolish.  It is like I don't trust God to help me out.

Now maybe he wants me to ask for help more explicitly, or more fervently or more frequently or more something.  Maybe he doesn't think that I have really asked for help at all.  Maybe I am fooling myself in thinking that my previous discussions with the censorship committee was me asking for help.  Actually this is all just immaterial.  It is wrong to go to an escort for anything but to tell them about God.  Yes you can preach to them, but employing their services is just not correct.  Hopefully, dear reader, I don't need to spell that out.

Actually let me be more clear.  It isn't that escorts are some "untouchable" class.  It is just that their primary profession, what they usually do (aside from "social" appointments) is explicitly labeled as incorrect 2 Corinthians 6:9,10.)  Also King Solomon (right, the wisest man) actually talks about watching someone getting seduced by a prostitute (Proverbs 7:6-21.)  He labels it negatively.

So what's wrong with "social" appointments?  Well now we are back to 1 Corinthians 15:33.  Especially if you need help.  Actually there is explicit instructions if you need help James 5:14.)  And, of course if this isn't working then you must be doing something else wrong.  And taking another unwise step is a thoroughly stupid thing to do.

So, what to do.  Well the escort hasn't responded yet.  So it isn't like we have made an appointment.  So I suppose I could just send her a note and say:  "Never mind."  I feel like such a heel doing that though.  But I guess in retrospect it is what God wants.  Actually he wants me to not meet with the escort and it is up to me to take positive steps to make that happen.

So the challenge is to cancel the appointment but not take anything away from the escort.  I mean anyone who read the earlier post regarding her can see that I really like this person.  But I can't think of any other way to do it.  If I send a long note about why, it will sound self serving.   I am poor socially and just don't have any ideas about how to do this politely.  I suppose I can pray about it.

I will be feeling bad about this for a long time.  But maybe it will make God less displeased with me.  There seems to be just so much I need to do to make him happy with me. The best I can hope for is "less displeased."

Actually, and for the record a prostitute and here family was the only ones selected by God to survive the destruction of Jericho.  Rahab was her name.  (Joshuah starting in the second chapter)  She survived for exercising faith in God.  I say that because if someone selects an occupation that is not in line with social norms or biblical norms, that doesn't mean they are "bad" people.  I guess I still like this woman.  I hope God doesn't think she is a "bad" person when her judgement day comes along with the rest of us.

Diving Back Under the Covers of Depression

10 minutes 'til showtime today.  I have a plate full of meetings and there is no way I will survive clear headed.

I hate being in charge of a team and I can't manage it well.  I am motivated to be a good leader but it seems to be beyond my skill level.  I hate what I have become.

Bitch leaked out the death of my mom to my current congregation.  I got a couple of texts so far expressing condolence.  I really wish that they just did not know my business.

I am thinking about responding something like:

Thanks for the kind words but the person who told you had no business doing so.  Don't tell anyone else!

But these dudes are just doing what they know to do.  They don't understand who I am, (or maybe they do and I don't understand myself.)  In any case there is no malice so I will probably just leave it alone.

After all, maybe they will feel better if they tell me how sorry they are for my loss.  They can check the "poked Mark" box for the year and feel good that they positively know even the edge cases in the flock.

On Sunday they asked me (during the meeting) if I wanted them to announce my father's death to the whole congregation.  I said no, of course.  The last thing I need is a bunch of insincere people telling me how sorry they are for my loss with me looking back at them saying, "If you are so sorry my mom died, why do you choose to stand back and say nothing as you watch me die?"   That wouldn't be polite though.  I wouldn't really say it, but I would get mad at them because that is something like what I would be feeling.

One elder did come up to me and express his sincere condolences.  He was kind and nice.  Not at all like the texts from the other two people.  (Of course if it was me I wouldn't have even sent a text.)  I didn't say anything to Smith when his wife died.  So I really shouldn't be complaining.  I don't know why I am complaining at all.  God could rightfully strike me dead here and now and be completely justified in doing so.  He has graciously offered the people he does to help me through difficult times in my life.  No they are not perfect and they don't claim to be.  They do what they can to help and are sincere in their efforts.

I am just being a blackguard, a contemptible scoundrel too proud to accept much needed help.  I am so ashamed of what I have grown up to be.  A person of no value and no worth to God.  I keep thinking, no maybe not.  Maybe you are worth something. Maybe you will get it right next time, but I don't, I fail every test of faith.  I am nothing, just nothing.

FII

You fools, you idiots, aw you imbeciles. (Cruella DeVille: character in Disney's 101 Dalmatians)  I feel like those words should be addressed to me personally.  It's a bad time to be me right now.  I am unable to make progress on my diet, my spirituality or my work.  I need medication management but won't find a physician willing to offer it.

I realized that Satan is behind the rift between me and the congregation.  I wish I could throw off the bias I feel against the censorship committee and those who are/were on it.  I wish I could undo the rude things I did and focus on being a nicer person no matter how I feel wronged.  I wish I could just see that it is me that is wrong, not them.  I wish I did not feel the jealousy I do.  I wish I was not bothered by the joy they feel and by hearing their expressions thereof.

Then I need to get off my posterior and do what it is that God requires of me.  Now, just how am I gonna do that???  The only practical answer I can think of is drugs.  Of course I could offer a prayer, really I would need several such.  I know it works, but perhaps drugs are the answer to my prayers.

GIJGTKM

God is just going to kill me (GIJGTKM) when he brings an end to this world for all its corruption and failure to do what he asks of us.  I have seen His counsel and commands and turned my back on them.  I have failed to heed His advice and recommendations.  I have become addicted to the filth of the world and smile with approval as certain of God's laws are flouted.  The best I can hope for is a peaceful end, but it isn't likely to come that way unless .  .  .

So why don't I just change and serve God with my whole heart, soul, mind and strength?  A most excellent question, one to which I have no firm answer.  I'm depressed, I can't, I tried and failed and am too tired to try again, I don't like the elders, my censorship committee is mean to me, I'm too stupid, small, weak, my parents didn't love me enough, teach me enough, show me the right example, My exwife was too mean to me, she broke my spirit, and on, and on, and freaking on it goes.  The bottom line is that none of those things, real or imagined, are too much for God to help me overcome.  He did help me.  I just didn't take the help he gave or I simply chose to do bad when I could have chosen to do right. 

So it seems that I will be getting my just deserts when God decides it is time to mete out my punishment.  Me thinks it won't be long, but for now it hangs over my soul.

Dead Rents

In college I learned to abbreviate pa(rents) thusly.  My mom died suddenly last week.  But then she was in her late 70's so it wasn't such a shock.  The turn out for the funeral was very good and the congregation she attended (not the one I usually attend, of course) was  tremendously supportive.  I have never been so amazed at how nice people in this organization can be.  Then again it was for my mom and not for me.

That sad sinking feeling that I am not worthy continues abated only briefly as I stood in amazement of what the congregation can do when they put their mind to it.  And it isn't like they really had to think about it that hard.  They just did it.  Kudos to that congregation and to my mom for a life of faithful service to God.  I hate myself so much that at times I feel like I can smell it or taste it.  It seems and feels palpable.  I have always loved beauty and nothing more than beautiful women.  Some of my earliest memories are around very pretty women (or girls when I myself was just a boy.)  But they could always get, and wanted, someone better than me.  I can rent them but I will never own one it seems.  I always thought it was just a matter of time before I would marry a beautiful woman.  I did marry someone I really loved but that worked out horribly.  Now I am old and fat, and beautiful women have no interest in me.  I am poor and all but broke.  Being an obvious minority doesn't help.  Being socially inept is a killer.  It just isn't happening, and probably never will.

I have tried to come closer to God in recent times but, as is typical, other things are getting in the way.  Watching nrop is fading a bit, but that is just the ebb and flow of interest.  It will come back and I feel powerless to stop it (even though I know God is not powerless to stop it if I were to rely on Him,which is a tremendous source of frustration.)

Thursday: I think (well actually when I think I have done something silly, I usually have done something monumentally stupid) that I missed another opportunity to chat up a woman.  In the fitness room at a hotel and met ran into the same woman working out the second day in a row at a hotel.  She spoke first.  I responded while looking down at my phone.  Dugh!  Actually I was trying to be casual, not showing too much interested.  In reality I was must have actedlike an *sshole.  Humpf, I guess the shoe fits.  There seems to be just no way to improve my social skills.

Friday: I am getting cycled through a series of group activity opportunities.  One came across that looks good, an intellectual chat group.  I signed up but I know that means there is now a 5% chance I'll go, (up from 0.5%)

Monday: The weekend was a bust.    Didn't go to the meeting.  I spent the night (actionless) with my ex.  She wants to get back together.  I want my son to get along with her and that's all.  At one point I could see myself getting together with her but not anymore.  When we are out together I am usually aware of any other pretty woman walking by.  That tells me that I am just not into her.  So I want to just stop seeing her unless there is an obvious benefit because of the son.

I looked at nrop twice again (after 4 weeks sober.)  There appears to be no stopping this.  Oh well, God hates what I do and will kill me for it as far as I can tell.  I wish there was a way I could enjoy myself in the knowledge that I'm not trying anymore, but there isn't.  The world hates me too.

I can tell I am not ready to start another work week, but hell, its Monday and time to go to work.

I keep wishing I can start over.

I guess the biggest thing I miss is having any friends.  Even some "friends" would be nice but I don't have any of those either.  The principal source of either such style of acquaintance should be the congregation and they continue appearing dead set against having anything to do with me.  Maybe if/when my son is reinstated they will talk to me again.  

In any case now, not only do I have myself to get organized, I have to help my siblings get organized since the death of my mother.  What a classic jerk I am.  IHMS, ISFHMS.