Wayward Son

Wow, it has been quite a while.  Lots has happened since I last wrote.  

I had sex with someone, even though I was back in the organization.  My conscious bothered me enough so that I admitted my mistake.  As is typical the big dogs were all over me.  But they didn't kick me out again.  I forgot to tell them that I was sad over damaging my relationship with God.  But they coached me into saying something close enough.  

So several weeks later I someone got around to studying with me.  Things got going in May or so.  It is helpful.  I am still extremely lonely but at least there is someone to talk to once a week or so.  

I still get distracted by porn.  I start watching but not for long.  I prayed this AM to hate it.  Of course I'll need to pray several dozen more times (or so) before it takes effect.  That's not a complaint.  I am sure God wants to see if this is what I really want.  

Work is not going well.  The company doesn't have the money to spend on the product I am working on.  So it is languishing.  Sales of the product haven't improved in spite of rousing predictions at the start of the year.  

If that were not enough, the new wave of management wants to change things around.  In typical old school fashion, a small team of executives asked questions, then got together to decide what to do without  further involvement of the people who know the most about the business and technology.  I think I am about to lose my job yet again.  I don't yet have the motivation to look again.  

My son has gone off the deep end.  He is deep into conspiracy theories.  When I had some extra paintings I wanted to get rid of, he got really grabby and started telling me all of what he wanted as though he were shopping in a store where the merchandise was free.  I pretty much decided to curtail the freebies to him.  I gave him so much and he just doesn't appreciate it.  He actually doesn't mind taking hand me downs.  It is like he thinks this is the normal way things are done.  The thought of working hard, eaning money, saving up and buying stuff himself just hasn't occurred to him.  Oh my God, where did I go wrong.  I love him so much but now he decided to stop talking to me.  

I think he thinks that this is really hurting me.  It isn't.  I am sad, but I know that God will give him what he deserves.  I grieve the fact that I didn't give him the best chance of being a godly person.  But there seems to be nothing I can do now.  And giving him more stuff isn't the answer.  He doesn't appreciate the many things I have given him thus far.  

 

I wrote this in winter of 2023 but didn't publish 2024.

Well things have taken a turn for the worse.  I sort of "knew" this would happen.  I quit studying like I had been doing faithfully each day.  I don't know why.  It happened around the same time I started watching porn again.  So, obviously, I am trying to pinch off that habit again.  I also quit going to meetings for a a couple, maybe 3 weeks now.  So yea, It's bad.

It is the same old situation:  I don't feel like doing anything.  When I recognize the need to move forward on something I just can't generate the motivation to do so.  I think that when I started watching porn again regularly, God withheld his HS which meant that I faltered in doing the studying which led to lower HS.  Of course that made it more difficult to stop the Porn habit and also made it harder to get to meetings, which again limited the HS.  In short a death spiral.

3 week break

So I completely quit studying for a couple of weeks now.  I have restarted as of yesterday and today, but it is anyone's guess as to whether that continues.  

Long Break/

Well it is the new year and I started it off with a royal screw up.  Quit literally so.  I was perusing my favorite escort site and happened upon 

Back In

 

I made it back into my religion.  I'm not being shunned anymore.  It came about a little off schedule.  I had planned to resubmit my plea for reinstatement in September.  I figured that would allow plenty of time to have passed since my last transgression.  I figured it would come up during the hearing (it did.)  But for some reason I started thinking of going ahead and submitting the plea.  So, I did.

The committee almost rejected me.  I think it was because I didn't show all the emotion and talk about loving that they were accustomed to hearing.  After deliberating they told me that they were not going to let me back in.  I said   OK.  But for some reason I told them that I am not emotional, and I doubt that a month or two from now I was going to come back feeling all the wonderful feelings that they seemed to expect.  I told them that good behavior is the best I can do right now, and probably for a long time to come.  

I just left after that and started walking to my car.  But crazy enough, someone rushed out of the building and asked me to return.  I did and they had changed their mind.  So I am back in.  There are the typical constraints that come from having just been allowed to return after being kicked out.  But that is expected.  

I have managed to keep up a routine of study and prayer.  I think the study is particularly effective since I had been praying a lot before with limited effect.  So, I don't know what the rest will be like.  They want me to have a mentor that hasn't been selected yet.  We will see how that turns out.  

Edge of Salvation

 

I am pushing to get back into my religion recently.  I decided to wait until September, but for some reason I submitted a plea for return a few days ago.  It seems to take a week or so for the deacons to respond so I'm not holding my breath.  

A wave of nostalgia for the past wanton lifestyle came over me this AM.  I looked at some advertisements for escort services.  There is a pattern I had when using them.  I would look at the aggregation site and then open in new window the businesses in which I was particularly interested.  There are about 3 such aggregation sites I used regularly.  I visited all three this AM.  I went through the usual procedure and identified two candidates in particular that roused the most interest.  In the end I closed them all down without any attempt to contact the proprietors.  

If I am successful in getting back into the organization, this weakness will stay with me until the end of my imperfect life.  I will have to learn to deal with it better than I did this morning.

Work is just as frustrating as always.  I am trying to just let everything go and not worry about the disappointments there.  It simply isn't worth the mental effort.

I have started working through a number of courses on Linked-In Learning.  I am happy to be doing this.  Again, I am afraid that it won't last very long.  

 

It's July, halfway through 2023 and in my 5th year of being kicked out of my religion.  I started studying regularly about a month or so ago.  I always thought I would stop after a few days but I prayed that I would keep going and well, what do you know, I still am a month later.  I know I need to do more studying to get good at my religion.  However, I don't want to add too much, really, I don't want to add anything to the process for fear that I stop doing any studying at all.

I do find that studying has impacted some of the choices I am making in the rest of my life.  I guess that is what is supposed to happen, but it is interesting to see it play out in real life.  I am looking at porn less almost rarely.  Even during long periods of inactivity when I would normally turn to various salacious web sites, near porn is what I would call some of them.  I am doing that only occasionally now, like a couple of times a month.   

What has stuck with me is that I am still totally without motivation.  I sit around the house with so many things that need doing, but I can only seem to watch TV, read books and just mope around.  

I have come to realize that I need to purge massive amounts of junk from my house.  My files, my precious files, they are being purged strongly.  I have thrown away at least a third of them.  I'm not finished yet.  There is so much more that I want to get rid of.  And old stuff that I used to save just because, well you never know when I might need this again.  That old stuff is going out now.  I regularly fill three large trash cans each week of stuff to be taken away.  I would do more If the trash service here picked up twice a week.  

Big Sigh

 

So here I am in July 2023.  I am still disfellowshipped and lonely as hell.  Nothing to be done about it.  I contacted an escort I met a few years ago pre-pandemic.  I nearly went to see her which would have knocked me out of the running to get reinstated pretty much any time this year.  So I am glad I didn't do it but it leaves me feeling really badly, because there will never be another chance to have that kind of fun for many years to come.  

I am on vacation from work and I am finding that I have no motivation to do anything.  Even the readily needed projects with a clear list of required actions are out of reach from a motivation standpoint.  In the past I found that stressing out about it is useless.  I want to dive into porn just to pass the time, but I'm high on anti-depressants and that takes the sex drive away.  Also, it is messy and requires a lot of clean-up.  I don't want that.  And, oh by the way, God doesn't like it.  

So now I am eating too much and ruining the weight loss regimen I had been on for the last few weeks.  

I really some sexually explicit entertainment.  But I just can't see myself doing that.  It is so bad.  I cannot stand this, but there is no way out.  I am looking for TV to watch but all the shows are so stupid.  I hate the spiritistic, horror and similar dramas.  Comedies are usually completely stupid.  So there is basically nothing worth watching.  It leaves me totally bored.  

I started leaving a JW Broadcast droning in the background as I write this.  I know it is good for me but it is often depressing to listen to.  I am constantly reminded of my mistakes and the mistakes of my folks that led to stupidity on my part.  

Of course, when my own kid rails against my mistakes I realize that blaming my folks is just, again, stupid.  

I should read, but I am too lazy to do that.  

To the Back of the Line with You

 

So I screwed up again. Big time.  I got some action with a gal from a web site.  It wasn't a very good lay but the gal was super gorgeous.  

Of course, I feel awful, but then again I am acting like, well I screwed up, might as well wallow in this mire for a bit.  It can't get much worse than this.  Oh but it can.  All sorts of trouble may ensue.  

I am worried that I caught something from that woman.  She kept her hands placed at the crease of her legs next to her genitals.  I wonder if she was covering evidence of disease.  

The sex was weird.  She required very little foreplay.  She came quickly.  Then she tried as hard as she could go get me off with oral.  But the action was so obvious and rushed I stopped it.  We copulated again until I came but it wasn't much fun.  She has a great body but I spent most of the time trying to figure her out.  

She also had this thing where she wanted the room to be dark.  When she showered after, she wanted the bathroom dark as well.  That is why I think there was something she is hiding.  I suppose it could be a tattoo, but that doesn't seem reasonable to me.

So now I am following up with a mad search for some better poon.  But all the sites have the same problem.  No one wants to be with an ugly old black fat man like me.  Of course, it is not a problem with the sites, or with the women on the site.  It is my problem that I have failed to fix.

These days I am beating the web site looking for similar encounters.  But the same problem exists, I just get used to the constant rejection.  

I want to turn around and try to get back in the good graces of God, but I feel so guilty I don't pray much anymore.  Not even for meals.  

* Break *

So it has been a little over a week since my gross indiscretion.  I prayed once or twice now.  I still feel badly when I do.  I have a lot of trouble facing God now.  

I found the encounter with this woman strange as mentioned earlier.  I scheduled some time to discuss the encounter with her this evening.

*Break*

So I did talk with this woman.  It went well.  I was more nervous than I would have liked to have been.  She was concerned herself about how this meeting was going to go.  She thought our first meeting was "rough" to use her word.  I didn't perceive it as such but that sentiment registered strongly with her.  

She indicated that she wanted it to be dark during the sex because she doesn't like to be the object of leering.  She said she wanted it dark when she showered because she just likes it dark generally speaking.  I find that explanation difficult to swallow but I'll let it go for now.  

I didn't ask what she was hiding when she kept her hands on either side of her vulva when I was eating her out.  I had covered a lot of ground and didn't want to press further.

When I talked about how fast the session went, she indicated that she thought that is what I wanted.  I can understand that a lot of guys would like that kind of hard pounding quick action.  I indicated that my preference is for my partner to be the first to climax once or twice before I took my turn.  

But all this comes with the knowledge that this is totally wrong from God's standpoint.  He hates that I am doing this and even that I am thinking about it.  

* Break *

So the Memorial is coming up next week.  Another DF memorial.  Shit.  I really thought I'd be over this by now.  Oh well. I have to wait until at least July to try again.  That satisfies the "several months" clause in the Organization book.  It may not be "a year or more" but the listing of multiple options indicates to me that it is not too soon to at least ask.  As much as I don't want to, I am drawn to a Sugar Baby I met earlier.  The same one I penetrated.  I really like her, as far as one can know that at this point.  I want to visit again but I'll try to avoid the sex.  I really need someone to talk to.  And I have no one but God now.  He should be enough for me, but I am just stupid.  

* Break *

I contacted the SB again this week.  She agreed to meet on Saturday but then later asked me to "help her with her tuition."  I said that we could work something out and suggested we arrange to talk sooner or later.  She didn't respond to that at all and I finally lost patience and told her (in a nice way) that this just isn't working out.  She never responded to that so it seems quite clear that she wasn't interested in continuing the engagement. 

Of course this leaves me feeling good about saving money, feeling like shit for the inability to seem the least bit desirable to women.

* Next Day *

I felt like shit all last night.  I haven't exercised in a couple of weeks.  Memorial is coming up and I know I want to go.  I just have this feeling like I won't make it.  I started taking a depression drug Aripiprazole.  It makes me really sleepy, but I feel so badly, I am willing to put up with that.  All I do is read Science Fiction novels and watch you-tube videos.

I have a meeting tonight, the old KMS&SM.  I never want to go and almost never even attend virtually.  I plan to try and go physically.  I doubt if I will make it.  I just feel like I am scraping the bottom again.  I can't seem to pull up.

* Next Day *

So I did attend the meeting virtually.  I did not go physically.  Amazingly I paid attention for the most part throughout the sessions.

I'm still not exercising but I did manage to take a shower today.  

I started doing some laundry on Friday.  I did that today along with some grocery shopping.  Maybe going to meetings helps with depression.  

*** Long Break ***

It's near the end of May now.  Amazingly I have been reading the text, the Wt article and reading a chapter or two from the bible for the last 2 weeks or so.  I don't know how much longer this is going to keep up.  But I hope I can make it a long term habit.  God knows how much I need this to happen.  I try to remember to pray after the study session but I often forget, like today.  

I haven't kicked porn yet, but if I can hold out for another 4 months (Until September) I plan to make another plea for rejoining the congregation.  I think I won't make it.  I am so tempted to screw up all the time that it just doesn't seem likely.  Maybe God will take pity.  I think he will if I can keep up the prayer.  I don't think I can do that though.  In any case I intend to keep trying.  

I've been thinking lately that I might as well go ahead and try to submit a plea sooner, but that seems like it will be DoA given the recent screw up.  I can remember them saying that it is "not based on time."  but I don't believe that.  It is not what the Organization book says so I feel I have good basis for retaining my earlier view.  The same as was stated in the same book:  Several months, a year or more.  I figure 6 months qualifies as several months so I plan to just wait it out.  

All that aside, I still can't seem to get my very self to the Thursday night meeting.  I feel so exhausted after work, even if I am working from home.  This habit of going to bed at 5:00 PM, waking up at midnight for a couple hours and then waking up finally between 3:00 - 5:00 AM is just nuts.  I have to figure out how to stop doing that.