Its Bad

I'm really having a hard time recently realizing that my life has been such a complete and total failure.  Of course the only thing that means anything is spirituality and I am running negative in that category.  Professionally people look at me and laugh.  I look at myself and cry.  It's not a new realization.  I think it was somewhere around 10 - 15 years ago I recognized that my life was for sh*t.  I suppose as the reminders of my sh*tfull state keep rolling in fast and hard that I find my go-juice levels dangerously low, like now.

My current favorite cuddler should be back in town today.  I have an appointment for an overnight with her tomorrow night.  She hasn't confirmed though so I don't really know if that is going to happen.  I think it will, but who knows really?  Kids these days will cancel at the drop of a hat, and they do so by ghosting so you are never really sure if they will be there until they show up .

I keep contacting providers.  One of these is going to be a hit and I'll be committed to doing something that God hates.  I am just so lonely.  I feel so low all the time.  The drugs don't work anymore.  I'm not sure they ever really did work as I really wanted them to.  My continued isolation is making me more nervous around other people.  I really hate myself these days.

So I made arrangements with a provider for this afternoon.  I have done done it!  A sad day for me.

Break,

So based on my dive toward poverty I should be feeling pretty good now.  I met with a traditional provider on Friday and had my overnight cuddle session on Saturday to Sunday AM.  One would think that I am a happy man.  But no.  I am wracked with guilt and a fair bit of shame as well.  While it feels "good" (in a sense) that the ongoing pressure for trim has subsided, the now present guilt and shame is pretty uncomfortable.  My session with my favorite cuddler was every bit as successful and nice as I had hoped.  She was pleasant, easy to talk to and somewhat open in talking about her experience.  However it was just a business transaction.  There was a decided lack of interest and excitement in her seeing me.  Her only really sincere question was whether she could see me again in the next 3 weeks she was in town.

Of course I will.  But that will probably be the last time.  She will be out of town for the next year or so, going here and there to either facilitate, assist or take part in as a student various seminars and training classes on massage therapy and some kind of touch healing.  By that I don't mean some supernatural power, (not so far as I know anyway) but more along the lines of emotional soothing and calming to facilitate the recipient's ability to deal with emotions and past trauma.  I'm not into all that but the woman is a great cuddler.  She enjoys the touch and gives back eagerly.  There is no love there but the affection seems real.

This coming Thursday Olivia is in town.  I'm scheduled to do a dinner/cuddling session with her.  Its still a grand just for her fee.  add in Dinner and the hotel and we are looking at a 1500 evening.  Oh and no, she isn't going to fall in love with me either.  Now if I could just make myself believe that I might actually call off this nonsense.  In all seriousness I feel a backlash internally welling up as I contemplate the amount of cash expended on my stupidity in this regard.  It is truly staggering.  And all of it is of no lasting benefit.  AAMOF it only goes to accelerate my demise.  Back in the day I lamented the one or two hundred dollars I must have spent on skin mags (as they were called then.)  Oh how little I knew of my future profligancy.  My stupidity sickens me.  Even as I contemplate this issue I realize that my focus is on the wasted money, not the wasted innocence.  Even the extent to which I continue to anger God and test his patience.  I am just so very stupid, grossly so.

So it is meeting day.  I see that the congregation whose meetings I had been attending are now going to meetings at a new location which is more convenient for me.  I hope I choose to take advantage of it but I honestly don't think I will.  I just haven't been praying for the strength to do so.  And even when I do pray, I usually don't go.

This is really bad.

Snoozer Post

Well hello everyone.  I hope we all  had a nice weekend.  Mine was crap as usual.  Actually even more crappy than what had become usual of late.  More nrop and the natural activity that follows.  I hadn't done that in months and now I did it twice this weekend.

The only good thing is that now I'm not jonesing for provider poon any more.  I rode in on the train and read the text and the Society's Comments and the related Wt. article all before reaching Ballston station.  It's hard to call that a silver lining.  Somehow that phrase still doesn't fit.

So I only have two appointments set up.  1 with a real provider for dinner and cuddling for a grand.  Another for an overnight cuddle session for .6K.  Add dinner and a hotel and that comes to a cool 2G.  The fun starts this weekend when my favorite snuggle buddy is back in town.  I actually started cleaning the place up in preparation for the event.

One of my robovacs isn't working anymore.  I am going to toss it.  I'm tired of messing with it.  I already bought another one.

Break

Significant excrapadatiatory event yesterday afternoon.  I ate that really good food from 2 Half Foods on Monday.  It was a full 10 USD worth.  Man it was good.  Then I went to the grocery store and bought pepperoni and Triscet Crackers and ate 8 servings consisting of a cracker, 2 slices of pepperoni and a small block of Havarti cheese.  Really good but man I was pushing the envelope there.  I will pay for that mistake.

This morning is pretty uneventful.  I finished my Performance Review feedback yesterday, so that's done.  I came up with a better way to record weekly events to make doing the next review even easier.  I just hate doing that stuff but having the work from last year where I weekly recorded any significant positive events was super helpful in making it easier to fill out.  It only took a bout 3 hours for me to get it done.

I am losing the fight to control my weight these days.  I just can't seem to stop myself from excessive eating.  I have stopped losing weight and have started to gain again.  So of course, I hate myself even more now.  I wonder if self hate is really cumulative.  It seems like I keep finding reasons to hate myself more and more but it hasn't yet resulted in suicidal action.  Yea I think about it often but not all the time.  I have elected to purchase neither a firearm nor tanks of helium.  I guess there is a steady though undersized relief valve in my mind known as time.  I guess it works that way for most people.

I just picked up 12 USD worth of lunch from 2 half foods buffet.  I'm not that hungry.  I need to begin to exercise more restraint.  I decided to scoop up only about half of into a separate bowl for lunch today and save the rest for later (like tomorrow, not for dinner, or worse still, a mid-afternoon "snack" which in all rights would be a meal.

My new boss totally caved in a fight with operations and contracts over a project to compensate for the deprecation of functionality in a base platform used for development of the application.

Break,

So I ended up having to do my own performance review write up yesterday.  It took a couple of hours to write and then another to proofread.  Nice opportunity though.  I'm glad it worked out that way.

I really need to leave early today.  I'm finding that working late is such a drag on my psyche.  I hope to get out not later than 3:30.   I have a lot of house work to do to get ready for my house guest this weekend.  Mostly cleaning and straightening, some laundry and oh, yea -- I have to make the  bed.

I decided to go ahead and work until 6:00 pm today.  I did take off at 4:30 on Monday and I will need to leave early (3:30 SHARP) on Friday to p/u my shirts and the pillow shams I also had cleaned.  I am holding to the pattern of announcing my absence whenever I am out during business hours in a last ditch effort to maintain some semblance of respect for my employer and of the need to put in a full day's work. 

Break

So my libido is in high gear and I am practically foaming at the mouth for trim these days.  I'm finding that a lot of providers are aa averse.  I'm going to stop talking about that when talking to basic level providers.  (Read Fee of 500 cents or less.)  I haven't ever been rejected on sight.  But it is clearly becoming an issue if I bring it up before the meeting.  I should keep it in mind and continue to use it as a way to push off a meeting I don't want.  I'm starting to wonder if I don't make these requests just as a way to interact with someone.  Just to text them back and forth and add some excitement to an otherwise dull day. As thoughtful readers may remember, I have on multiple occasions set up arrangements and then regret it later and find myself more unhappy after things are set up.  That could be why I suppose.  It seems as though there should be someone that is willing to talk with me, or that I can pay to talk with me, that doesn't include activities God condemns.  Well that's what cuddlists are, but they are few and far between.  They are also prone to take long vacations. 

I can't believe how horny I am right now.  I forgot what this felt like.  Must keep kerchief at the ready to keep my co-workers from thinking I have rabies (oblique reference to foaming at the mouth for those of you readers who, like me, are a bit slow on the  uptake.) 

Another Week Another Fiver

I all mixed up today.  (She says to leave it to meee-eee-eee, Everything will be all rii-iii-ight .  .  .  again I digress this time to the Cars with memory to Rick O.)  There was a meeting this AM to discuss a potential client Less than a 50% chance of winning the business but they are so large it would be a game changer for our product.  I am recommending a technical solution that I think they really want to implement.

I drew it up in Visio & sent it around for people to review.  One architect indicated that we already use Azure Event Hubs.  It appears that that may be able to interface with Kafka directly which would mean we don't have to set up a whole Kafka server.  It would only be for one client but that client is huge.

I felt incredibly  badly yesterday up until about 3:00 PM.  Not sure what was going on.  Yesterday morning my legs felt heavy and I could barely walk a short version of my normal morning routine.

I felt better toward the end of the day but I don't really know why.

So the business endorsed my technical recommendation for managing the interface with this new large client was adopted.  That made me feel good.  I opened the email and re-read it a couple of times.

Then later that afternoon I made arrangements to see an escort on this coming Sunday.  (Knowing that I have arrangements to see another at the start of March.)  I had seen her advert earlier this week and just did not put her out of my mind.  Rather I kept going back to her adverts and web site.  I really am doomed.


Break

Another bad weekend.  (So what else is new?  They have all been bad for the last 15 years or so.)   This one was really bad.  I spent a fair bit of time looking at nrop.  I contacted 3 providers at least, trying to set appointments with them.  One was too expensive.  One was too suspect.  Two haven't responded but if they do I very well might engage.  I'm anxiously waiting to hear back from both of them.  I am really worried because the notes I sent were really serious.  They will both probably respond and I will probably set up time with both of them and engage them both.  And God will be really, really angry with me. 

I did finish one book.  I just barely started another.  I totally forgot about a severe defect that was happening at work,  But the team fixed everything just fine and we are back on track now.

I must find a way to get back into the habit of going to the meetings again.  I feel like I need help but there is no help to be had.  The thinking seems to be:  "You know you need to go to meetings so you have to do that to prove that you are serious before we give you any other help."

Feeling tired and sleepy again.  I think I am just bored with what I am doing.  Nothing seems really exciting anymore.  Just more of the same crap I've done for the past 10+ years.

My biggest concern right now is them women I reached out to.  I know they are gonna' call back and I am going to fold and blow away like a house of cards in a hurricane.  It's what always happens.  I guess I am really losing hope, if I haven't already lost it.  Neither one has yet responded but its just a matter of time.  I know God can help, but I didn't even read the text this AM.  Why would he help a spiritual negative like me?  (BTW negative numbers are Less Than Zero)

The tinnitus is screaming in my ears these days.  The medication aggravates it.  But I choose the screaming tones over the deeper depression into which I would otherwise fall.  It is almost a no-brainer choice.

Taking a walk now, to clear my head.

So I walked a good bit.  Got some lunch.  Ate it, and still no response from either of the providers.

Break

Okay, another night has passed.  Only one of the providers responded.  Turns out the date I originally requested was wrong.   But I didn't cancel like I should have.  I only suggested a different date.  I looked at her picture on the train ride in.  Man that woman looks good.  Classic good looking features. Her listed weight (150) seems too high for her height (5'8")  based on her pictures.  Not sure what is going on there but it isn't enough to put the brakes on this train, not effectively anyway.

I feel like I have signed my death warrant.  The reaper cometh.  Knowing the trap is there, knowing it is going to kill you, knowing at least in broad strokes how to avoid it, and yet I am compelled by the venom swallowed in doses large and small to keep walking, at times even running to my doom.  Now, that's a trap of epic effectiveness.  Well I guess so.  It seems 99.5% effective so far.  D*mn.  What would I have to do to break free???

I guess I'd have to quit my job and move back to Delaware - or all the way back to Minnesota.  Who knows.  I just fear that I do that and the same problems follow me there.  Then what have I done other than add unemployment to my list of woes.  OK this coming Saturday, I need to figure what to do to get my very lazy and selfish self into some KHall somewhere the meeting is happening.  I'm willing to treat myself to a nice breakfast, 10 USD coffee and pastries (as in multiple such.)  I need to park my derriere into a seat with the Public Talk and WT Stdy going on around me.

Ideas:

1. Treat myself to breakfast
2. Set a special saturday only alarm
1. Alarm set with:
1. wake
2. shower
3. dress
4. car
5. bkfst
6. travel alert to starbucks
7. travel to Khall
3. Start laundry on Friday PM
4. Leave at 3:00 PM on Friday
5. Clean the place this week
6. Order a new RoboVac
7. Look up alternate KHall for Saturday AM
8. Find back-up for Sunday AM
9. Print out the Lesson & Study it.
10. Develop Weekend Routine Schedule -  
1. Meetings
2. Cleaning
3. Laundry
4. Play Time
5. Batting Cages
6. Reading

OK so a few ideas up there, we'll see if any of them come to fruition.



 Break

So riding in the train I did a quick read of the text (that's where I don't read the related wt article) and immediately went over to my favorite admirer's site where I pseudo decided to make an appointment with one of the providers there I've studied for some time now.  A tall slender person who doesn't advertise broadly and doesn't take same day appointments.  But has been around a while.

So I contacted one of the providers I scheduled for the first week in march and cancelled.   (I also need to remember  to cancel the hotel arrangements I made for that same night.  I still have the open Expedia tabs so I think I'll remember.) 

All that leaves is a raging desire for some trim in the near term like today or tomorrow.  I'll need to pray hard to reign that in.   Honestly I don't think I'll make it.  It's 0900 hours and I haven't yet contacted a provider.  Good so far but I can feel my grip slipping.  Time for more prayer.  But praying for something without the mental study and consideration to support it is like praying to finish a marathon.  It may help but it is not enough on its own (unless of course God wants you to run that marathon and you really did all that you could to prepare but the preparation would otherwise be woefully inadequate.)  But that's not my case.  I could have been prepared for years.

So now I'm heavily distracted with desire and I'm barely working.  Everything is irritating me right now.   Irritation means distraction.  I've stopped working to move an item to a new permanent location in my back-pack.  I got into an email string that I am editing now to let the directors know that I'm trying to figure out how to implement a project with zero funds.

So my most excellent cuddle partner is returning from her vacation next week.  She texted me to see if she can begin to replenish her likely depleted coffer with a snuggle session.  Of course she was much nicer than that.  Hi, how are you, I'm coming back soon, it would be great to see you again .  .  .
I allowed myself to be led to the milking barn:  Doing great,  really that's wonderful, yes I missed our sessions, how about next weekend .  .  .  Fact is, this is a lot better than booking a provider, but again I have to wait yet another full week + for satisfaction.  I guess the fact is I really do miss my cuddle partner.

So now that I have sessions set up with Olivia & #1Cuddlist, I realize that these issues will consume about 2000 USD.  Man, I'm living large these days.  And that's after I canned the notion of the second provider that same week.  Yet after all that I'm still jonesing  for trim in the near term.  Like tonight.

It's after 1700 hours so no one is taking appointments for today.  I'm still jonesing.  Need more prayer, not more tinder which is there from which I just returned.  I need more spiritual reading.  Mental note:  do this on the way home rather than perusing P411.  I can just feel my negative energy reaching out for succor from nefarious sources.

An Evening and a Morning .  .  .

Another day:  So I spent the whole ride home perusing PD.  I reached out to a couple of potential providers.  One said:  "Look at my web site [you idiot.])  Another was an assistant who said, she'll be in town on next Saturday (no indication of duration, or relative location, not even a courteous invitation to reply with additional particulars.)   D*mn, these women are hard.  But little miss here-next-week sure was fine looking.  Young, 22, but old enough I suppose.  Yea I spent the whole ride in this morning looking at PD some more.  I am dead meat.  The buzzards are already circling.  Waiting for my carcass to bloat up and ripen with powerful olfactory tingling compounds.    Come to think of it, I guess the latter is already happening which is why the buzzards are here in the first place.

Self hate.  I got a book from Amazon called something like "It's not supposed to be this way"  Its about dealing with crushing disappointment in your life.  I got the hardback book 'cause it was cheaper than the Kendal version.  I haven't started it yet.

Today is Friday.  I'm relieved to be at the end of the week. 

There is still an issue that the Deprecation of a Microsoft UI is severely impacting VeriFide.  I keep running around trying to come up with a solution but I am wondering if the best thing to do is just to do nothing and wait for someone else to handle it.  I think that our vendor will eventually cave in and offer the needed resources free of charge.  But it will be a slap dash project that will leave the application riddled with rushed coding that will break intermittently over the course of the next several years.  Oh well.  I will have done all I can to alert middle management to the challenge and to prepare for the

Eagles

It's Friday.  I got in on time.  I didn't even get 2K steps in yet this AM.  I feel so down, so badly.  I just don't know how to move forward.  I wonder if this is what it feels like at death's door.  I don't think so, but man, this is surely uncomfortable.

I'm solidifying arrangements with Olivia for our rendezvous in early March.  It's shaping up to be purely platonic which is totally cool with me.  I still have to get the hotel and dinner reservations, but I feel better about the meeting now.

My other cuddle partner should returning in that same time frame I think.  I hope so anyway.  I could really do with an other overnight.  She is really an affectionate person.  As I continue to mentally analyze our visits it is becoming clear that she really enjoys platonic touch.   When I was talking to her on our first session I later realized that I was never looking at her as I was speaking so that I could gauge how she responded to what I was saying.

On the second session I would occasionally disengage.  She would sit back and I would speak directly to her but her eyes were always down cast.  She was looking at my chest (not that it is all that, I had a shirt on of course).  But after a couple of times I realized that she was kind of longing for her head to be there, on my chest.  She seemed relieved when I would pull her back in.  I don't think I've engaged with an adult who behaved so affectionately toward me.  It is really very nice.

Break

A bad weekend just finished.  Watched nrop.  No meeting (of course.)  No work to speak of other than minimal laundry.  I am hopeless.  Did a little reading (very little.)  Slept a lot, but still overslept on Monday morning.  I do declare:  my life is slipping away 1 weekend at a time.  And I can't seem to do anything about it.

I read the text+ today.  Also did bible reading 3 ch.  If this was the 41st time this year I did that, then I might be feeling pretty good.  It's probably the second, maybe the third.   It just seems like no amount of rest is enough to put me right these days.  I know turning to God in prayer works.  Why don't I do that consistently and to the exclusion of reaching out to Satan's system for relief??

I am just so very stupid.  It's like I am alternating between good medicine and poison.  A teaspoon of this, a pint of that, a tablespoon of this, a quart of that.  No wonder I can't get anywhere. I am literally spinning out of control.  I have gone unstable.  I am in a chaotic regime.  

I said:  "Call the doctor. I think I'm gonna crash."
"The doctor say he's comin', but you gotta pay him cash."
They went rushin' down that freeway,
messed around and got lost
They didn't care they were just dyin' to get off
And it was life in the fast lane

Yup, and as the next verse implies, I am surely loosing my mind. 

God vs Tinder

So I noticed that I am feeling better than usual right now.  Kind of buoyant even.  Of course when that happens I immediately look around to find out why.  I didn't have to think for very long.  A Tinder match responded to an email this morning.  It wasn't much but she did say that she enjoyed reading my messages.  That was cool and made me feel really good.  Of course I concocted a witty reply and sent it as soon as I had it ready.  She says she isn't ready to start dating.  I'm hoping she is OK with texting.

This gal is age appropriate for me which is to say that she's no spring chicken.  But man she looks really intelligent.  I told her that I am anxious to meet her.  Wondering if I should have said that but, Oh well.  I also said that I'm not a "player" and the former comment makes the latter more credible. We'll see what comes of it.  I'm hopeful.

After a while the practical side of the situation will kick in.  All the aforementioned notwithstanding:  I still don't have a date.  She tells me she doesn't want to date right now.  I have no other realistic prospects except those for whom I must pay dearly.  "There are times when I was so lonesome .  .  ."  OK let's not resurrect the boxer yet again.  However I did send an IM to Olivia L.  Stupid I know but, well just call me stupid.  I respond to that (at least I should.)

I've pretty much decided to get the new computer.  Only question is do I wait for the bonus to get it.  I don't know what I'm going to do right now.  I'm leaning toward just going out there and buying it b/c I think it might help me get excited about coding again.

Right now I'm feeling this huge wave of sadness and despair coming over me.  I feel burned to the core like nothing is worth anything.  Of course I know that doing God's will is helpful and purposeful, but I am disallowed from filling the primary mission of God's servants and, yea, I hate doing that also.  Not just because the work is hard, but also  because, as an introvert, I find the work so distasteful.  Especially now that my life is such a mess.  Today I'm not feeling particularly suicidal, just sad.

Will try to leave at 3:00 today.  I need to work on my employee review.  Yuck fooey!

So I started reaching out in a significant way to people.  I am starved for attention.  I'm reaching out to a particularly interesting provider for 4 hour session at 400 per hour.  I am proposing a  dinner/snuggle date.  I asked her if she has a social rate.  She hasn't responded yet.  So who knows what is going to happen.  Some providers get really testy about their rates so I wouldn't be too surprised if we don't end up meeting.  I don't think that is the most likely scenario but it is a possibility.  Of course I am thinking about this and realizing I can get a new fridge in for my "country" home with that money. 

I'm sure it would be best if I did not move forward.  However I probably will.  At least this is just as cheap as Leana for one hour.   It is just the notion of reaching out to another human whose response interests me.  Having them get back to me with a human response.  I miss that so much.  But clearly God doesn't allow that at this point in my life.  I suppose that the kind of people with whom I want to connect are not the sort of person God wants me to connect with.  So he would rather I just suck it up and endure the pain while I prepare myself to eventually get back into the congregation in which there are a plethora of persons with whom I can associate with possibly even mutual benefit.  I can't seem to do that though.

So here I am stuck onto this tar-baby.  A funny story when I was a kid.  Now I'm the rabbit and I'm stuck fast.  I am craving attention.  What to do.  Nothing is working.  I guess I'll just try praying again.  At least in that case God can help me to endure if he chooses not to help me more directly. 

OK, I just did that.  I guess I feel a little better.  Now let me check my Tinder account!!!

That is so not funny.  It reminds me of how the Jews in Jerusalem made military agreements with some nations for protection from certain other aggressor nations.  All the while they should have been relying on God for their protection.  So when God brought judgement against them, there was no way the states to which they turned for help could turn back God's hand.  Even though he used other nations to execute his judgement, there was no way that judgement could be thwarted.  The Jews should have relied exclusively on God for their military protection.

By the same token I should be looking for God to provide the association and assistance I need during these dark times.  He would if only I would stop using wrong means to get what I need myself.  So when God brings judgement on this system of things I can only reasonably expect that I will be swept away along with the rest of Satan's world and all the his associates out to whom I reached for succor.  I see the trap, and I'm still caught in it.  D*mn.

So I am in the process of booking a "Social" date with an escort (40% off the regular rate - glad I asked.)  It's 2 hours of dinner and 2 hours of snuggling.  So I still need to make hotel and dinner reservations.  Will cost me a cool 1400 before it's all over.  Hopefully that's all.  It's not until March. Plenty of time to anticipate and plan.  I am just like the Jews, am I not? 

Now I feel so bad for having made these arrangements.  Praying to God to help me get out of this.  How stupid am I?  I am such a pitiful creature. 

The Boxer

Well here I am again.  I just wrote a post this morning.  I guess I am rediscovering the cathartic effect of blogging on my mental stability.  Of course, a simple examination of my blog's content shows that it is no miracle cure, however it seems to help smooth out the sharp pain I often feel as I deal with life's disturbances.

Tinder continues to be a source of discouragement.  Seems as though no matter how many people I swipe right, no one matches.  The ones that do seem to take a look at my profile and quickly unmatch before I realize it.  That seems to happen a lot.

I'm looking for some kind of companionship now.  I am surprised at how difficult it is to find a cuddle partner interested that lives somewhere nearby.   Lots of messages sent with no responses.  I am guessing it is at least 6 to 1.  (Messages sent vs response messages)  However it may be 8 or 10 to 1.

The final option is escorts.  But that is so hugely expensive, I hesitate to continue.  Also, oh by the way, God really doesn't like it when I do that.  I know, I know .  .  .  "God is going to kill you so what does it matter?"  Okay, fair point.  However God will kill me for sure if I give up at least trying to do the right thing.  I guess right now I'm just pretty sure that he will kill me.  Still "I do declare .  .  . there are times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there, La-la  la-la . . . la-la laaa .  .  . Do dooo do-do doot-doo .  .  .  do-oo do doot-do .  .  .  In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade .  .  ."  But again, I digress.

I ended up getting nearly 8 hours of sleep last night.  I'm still sleepy as hell.  Something is wrong with me.  I don't know what it is.  I can't seem to fix it.  Whatever it is it has been wrong for at least the last 4 years or so.  Maybe it is the same thing that made me always fall asleep in church much to the chagrin and embarrassment of both myself and my parents.  When I was a kid, it was pretty bad.  Now as an old man, well, it still happens. 

I'm looking at buying a new computer.  A super-performing laptop.  32 gig memory and 1 TB hard drive.  I'm hoping it will help spark my interest in development again. I should wait though to see if there is a bonus available this year.  That's about 6 weeks away.  so I'm not holding my breath just yet.  People here talk openly about it.  Everyone is hopeful.  They are typically very generous.

Finished a book on the way into the office today.  Really good.  Found that the author was an experimental physicist.  Explains why his inclusion of time dilation effects was so outstanding.

So I'm again feeling extremely sleepy on occasion. I think whenever I'm in a situation where I have to listen and I am totally confused or bored, I just get sleepy.  It was another poor weekend.  All I did was laundry, read a book.  I am so very slack these days, months, years, decades!

The days are just rolling past.  Didn't go to the meeting last night.  I didn't think I would and there were no surprise urges to connect with my spiritual self.  So I just worked a little late.  Went home and slept.  I gained .7 kg yesterday.  Ate way too much bread at lunch.  Big mistake.  Still I am shocked at what an impact it had. 

Going out to lunch with my new boss today.  I need to convince him to go to India in my place to represent the technical team in front of or vendor.  It is becoming clear that I run the technical team differently from how the other Tech managers do.  The others are more like technical consultants hanging out to assist with technical problems.  I am more like a technical leader, reviewing the work the team does and either congratulating or rejecting the approach they might take. 

I feel so stupid and lost right now.  I am constantly afraid that someone will find out what a fraud I am and force me out of the company amid a huge wave of humiliation and embarrassment.  I feel so badly that I have no friends to talk to.  I am beginning to understand why I reach out to escorts.  Yea I want the obvious but I also want someone to talk to and to engage meaningfully with.  I suppose I want to make a connection as well.  May be why I am more interested in older (30 something) providers now than before.  I'm tired but I can't get rested.  I rest all the time and come into work tired.  I am really messed up right now. 

I really need to start going to the meetings again.  Trouble is the feeling isn't visceral.  It's entirely logical.  I find that I often don't act on pure logic no matter how logical it is.  Especially when it is something I don't otherwise want to do such as is the case here.  I just prayed about it.  That is probably the best I will do. 

I looked up why people shoot themselves in the mouth.  One response said because shooting yourself in the temple is more survivable.  Another indicated that shooting yourself in the temple is more sure because if you shoot yourself in the mouth you might miss the brain entirely.  Another person claimed a relative who shot themselves in the head and ended up blind and with brain damage.  But they didn't know where they aimed.  A totally useless post other than to emphasize that head shots may be survivable.  If I ever do myself in I think I'll stick with Helium gas. (If I can, of course I won't know the situation and it may be that a gun is the only device available for the job.) 

I guess I really do hate myself, at least in some sense of the word.

Mind Wandeing

Not sure why I am blogging so much in the past few days.  I am still a non-JW officially.  I still don't do all the studying I should.  I guess I have got nothing really new to say (and I haven't had anything for a while.)  Of course I still blog, saying the same old sh*t over again.

I'm falling in infatuation for another provider, Olivia Lark.  Seems like a really interesting gal.  I tried (weakly) to visit her the last time she was here in October (I think,)  She's coming again in March. 

I've been dreaming a lot of my cuddle partner lately.  Of course there is no chance of a real relationship.  "This girl is half his age.  (Please don't stand so close to me!)" but I digress.   Anyway what sparked the latest round of dreaming is that I got an email message from her indicating she just arrived in Europe for her extended vacation with friends.  Will be there for a month or so.  I do hope we can cuddle again when she gets back.  I worry a little bit 'cause she wants to do some serious rave partying while there.  Seems unsafe, but typical of that generation. 

We are really excellent cuddle partners though.  We both like to hug and be hugged.  We like snuggling under the covers and the one time we spent the night together (platonic) it was really enjoyable.  We did this thing where when lying down and facing each other we interlaced our knees to get good skin contact and so our bodies would be a little closer together.  I've always liked doing that but usually have to show my cuddle partner how to do it.  She just did it automatically.  I'm pretty sure there is something about it in an earlier blog entry, but maybe not. 

She told me the next morning that she was awake at one point lying on her side with her back to me.  I reached over and started rubbing her back, the way my ex- used to like me to do it.  She said that after I did that a little while she fell asleep again.  That was nice to hear.  At the time I thought she was just sleeping.  I reached over just to make some contact with her.  We fell asleep intertwined, but as some point while sleeping she disengaged and rolled over.  I woke up (typical brief night time awakening)  and wanted to re-engage, but didn't want to wake her.  So I just rubbed her back.  I fell asleep again with my feet against her legs for contact. 

Later that morning as we were waking up we interlaced again.  She hugged my chest and laid her head there.  She needed to leave at a certain time so it wasn't for very long.  But it was nice.

There is an age appropriate gal I met on Tinder.  As is typical she chickened out just before our first face to face date.  I contacted her again yesterday but she sent me a message back giving me the brush off.  "I work 12 hour days.  I'm too tired.  I'm not ready for dating.  It's me not you."  Ok that last part was not real, but that's how it felt.  Anyway I sent her a message back saying "Keep me in mind for future events."  I don't expect to ever hear from her again. 

C'est la vie.  And still I want to be a JW.  Man this is just a pickle isn't it.  That's why I just expect that God will kill me.