I all mixed up today. (She says to leave it to meee-eee-eee, Everything will be all rii-iii-ight . . . again I digress this time to the Cars with memory to Rick O.) There was a meeting this AM to discuss a potential client Less than a 50% chance of winning the business but they are so large it would be a game changer for our product. I am recommending a technical solution that I think they really want to implement.
I drew it up in Visio & sent it around for people to review. One architect indicated that we already use Azure Event Hubs. It appears that that may be able to interface with Kafka directly which would mean we don't have to set up a whole Kafka server. It would only be for one client but that client is huge.
I felt incredibly badly yesterday up until about 3:00 PM. Not sure what was going on. Yesterday morning my legs felt heavy and I could barely walk a short version of my normal morning routine.
I felt better toward the end of the day but I don't really know why.
So the business endorsed my technical recommendation for managing the interface with this new large client was adopted. That made me feel good. I opened the email and re-read it a couple of times.
Then later that afternoon I made arrangements to see an escort on this coming Sunday. (Knowing that I have arrangements to see another at the start of March.) I had seen her advert earlier this week and just did not put her out of my mind. Rather I kept going back to her adverts and web site. I really am doomed.
Break
Another bad weekend. (So what else is new? They have all been bad for the last 15 years or so.) This one was really bad. I spent a fair bit of time looking at nrop. I contacted 3 providers at least, trying to set appointments with them. One was too expensive. One was too suspect. Two haven't responded but if they do I very well might engage. I'm anxiously waiting to hear back from both of them. I am really worried because the notes I sent were really serious. They will both probably respond and I will probably set up time with both of them and engage them both. And God will be really, really angry with me.
I did finish one book. I just barely started another. I totally forgot about a severe defect that was happening at work, But the team fixed everything just fine and we are back on track now.
I must find a way to get back into the habit of going to the meetings again. I feel like I need help but there is no help to be had. The thinking seems to be: "You know you need to go to meetings so you have to do that to prove that you are serious before we give you any other help."
Feeling tired and sleepy again. I think I am just bored with what I am doing. Nothing seems really exciting anymore. Just more of the same crap I've done for the past 10+ years.
My biggest concern right now is them women I reached out to. I know they are gonna' call back and I am going to fold and blow away like a house of cards in a hurricane. It's what always happens. I guess I am really losing hope, if I haven't already lost it. Neither one has yet responded but its just a matter of time. I know God can help, but I didn't even read the text this AM. Why would he help a spiritual negative like me? (BTW negative numbers are Less Than Zero)
The tinnitus is screaming in my ears these days. The medication aggravates it. But I choose the screaming tones over the deeper depression into which I would otherwise fall. It is almost a no-brainer choice.
Taking a walk now, to clear my head.
So I walked a good bit. Got some lunch. Ate it, and still no response from either of the providers.
Break
Okay, another night has passed. Only one of the providers responded. Turns out the date I originally requested was wrong. But I didn't cancel like I should have. I only suggested a different date. I looked at her picture on the train ride in. Man that woman looks good. Classic good looking features. Her listed weight (150) seems too high for her height (5'8") based on her pictures. Not sure what is going on there but it isn't enough to put the brakes on this train, not effectively anyway.
I feel like I have signed my death warrant. The reaper cometh. Knowing the trap is there, knowing it is going to kill you, knowing at least in broad strokes how to avoid it, and yet I am compelled by the venom swallowed in doses large and small to keep walking, at times even running to my doom. Now, that's a trap of epic effectiveness. Well I guess so. It seems 99.5% effective so far. D*mn. What would I have to do to break free???
I guess I'd have to quit my job and move back to Delaware - or all the way back to Minnesota. Who knows. I just fear that I do that and the same problems follow me there. Then what have I done other than add unemployment to my list of woes. OK this coming Saturday, I need to figure what to do to get my very lazy and selfish self into some KHall somewhere the meeting is happening. I'm willing to treat myself to a nice breakfast, 10 USD coffee and pastries (as in multiple such.) I need to park my derriere into a seat with the Public Talk and WT Stdy going on around me.
Ideas:
- Treat myself to breakfast
- Set a special saturday only alarm
- Alarm set with:
- wake
- shower
- dress
- car
- bkfst
- travel alert to starbucks
- travel to Khall
- Start laundry on Friday PM
- Leave at 3:00 PM on Friday
- Clean the place this week
- Order a new RoboVac
- Look up alternate KHall for Saturday AM
- Find back-up for Sunday AM
- Print out the Lesson & Study it.
- Develop Weekend Routine Schedule -
- Meetings
- Cleaning
- Laundry
- Play Time
- Batting Cages
- Reading
Break
So riding in the train I did a quick read of the text (that's where I don't read the related wt article) and immediately went over to my favorite admirer's site where I pseudo decided to make an appointment with one of the providers there I've studied for some time now. A tall slender person who doesn't advertise broadly and doesn't take same day appointments. But has been around a while.
So I contacted one of the providers I scheduled for the first week in march and cancelled. (I also need to remember to cancel the hotel arrangements I made for that same night. I still have the open Expedia tabs so I think I'll remember.)
All that leaves is a raging desire for some trim in the near term like today or tomorrow. I'll need to pray hard to reign that in. Honestly I don't think I'll make it. It's 0900 hours and I haven't yet contacted a provider. Good so far but I can feel my grip slipping. Time for more prayer. But praying for something without the mental study and consideration to support it is like praying to finish a marathon. It may help but it is not enough on its own (unless of course God wants you to run that marathon and you really did all that you could to prepare but the preparation would otherwise be woefully inadequate.) But that's not my case. I could have been prepared for years.
So now I'm heavily distracted with desire and I'm barely working. Everything is irritating me right now. Irritation means distraction. I've stopped working to move an item to a new permanent location in my back-pack. I got into an email string that I am editing now to let the directors know that I'm trying to figure out how to implement a project with zero funds.
So my most excellent cuddle partner is returning from her vacation next week. She texted me to see if she can begin to replenish her likely depleted coffer with a snuggle session. Of course she was much nicer than that. Hi, how are you, I'm coming back soon, it would be great to see you again . . .
I allowed myself to be led to the milking barn: Doing great, really that's wonderful, yes I missed our sessions, how about next weekend . . . Fact is, this is a lot better than booking a provider, but again I have to wait yet another full week + for satisfaction. I guess the fact is I really do miss my cuddle partner.
So now that I have sessions set up with Olivia & #1Cuddlist, I realize that these issues will consume about 2000 USD. Man, I'm living large these days. And that's after I canned the notion of the second provider that same week. Yet after all that I'm still jonesing for trim in the near term. Like tonight.
It's after 1700 hours so no one is taking appointments for today. I'm still jonesing. Need more prayer, not more tinder which is there from which I just returned. I need more spiritual reading. Mental note: do this on the way home rather than perusing P411. I can just feel my negative energy reaching out for succor from nefarious sources.
An Evening and a Morning . . .
Another day: So I spent the whole ride home perusing PD. I reached out to a couple of potential providers. One said: "Look at my web site [you idiot.]) Another was an assistant who said, she'll be in town on next Saturday (no indication of duration, or relative location, not even a courteous invitation to reply with additional particulars.) D*mn, these women are hard. But little miss here-next-week sure was fine looking. Young, 22, but old enough I suppose. Yea I spent the whole ride in this morning looking at PD some more. I am dead meat. The buzzards are already circling. Waiting for my carcass to bloat up and ripen with powerful olfactory tingling compounds. Come to think of it, I guess the latter is already happening which is why the buzzards are here in the first place.
Self hate. I got a book from Amazon called something like "It's not supposed to be this way" Its about dealing with crushing disappointment in your life. I got the hardback book 'cause it was cheaper than the Kendal version. I haven't started it yet.
Today is Friday. I'm relieved to be at the end of the week.
There is still an issue that the Deprecation of a Microsoft UI is severely impacting VeriFide. I keep running around trying to come up with a solution but I am wondering if the best thing to do is just to do nothing and wait for someone else to handle it. I think that our vendor will eventually cave in and offer the needed resources free of charge. But it will be a slap dash project that will leave the application riddled with rushed coding that will break intermittently over the course of the next several years. Oh well. I will have done all I can to alert middle management to the challenge and to prepare for the
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