God vs Tinder

So I noticed that I am feeling better than usual right now.  Kind of buoyant even.  Of course when that happens I immediately look around to find out why.  I didn't have to think for very long.  A Tinder match responded to an email this morning.  It wasn't much but she did say that she enjoyed reading my messages.  That was cool and made me feel really good.  Of course I concocted a witty reply and sent it as soon as I had it ready.  She says she isn't ready to start dating.  I'm hoping she is OK with texting.

This gal is age appropriate for me which is to say that she's no spring chicken.  But man she looks really intelligent.  I told her that I am anxious to meet her.  Wondering if I should have said that but, Oh well.  I also said that I'm not a "player" and the former comment makes the latter more credible. We'll see what comes of it.  I'm hopeful.

After a while the practical side of the situation will kick in.  All the aforementioned notwithstanding:  I still don't have a date.  She tells me she doesn't want to date right now.  I have no other realistic prospects except those for whom I must pay dearly.  "There are times when I was so lonesome .  .  ."  OK let's not resurrect the boxer yet again.  However I did send an IM to Olivia L.  Stupid I know but, well just call me stupid.  I respond to that (at least I should.)

I've pretty much decided to get the new computer.  Only question is do I wait for the bonus to get it.  I don't know what I'm going to do right now.  I'm leaning toward just going out there and buying it b/c I think it might help me get excited about coding again.

Right now I'm feeling this huge wave of sadness and despair coming over me.  I feel burned to the core like nothing is worth anything.  Of course I know that doing God's will is helpful and purposeful, but I am disallowed from filling the primary mission of God's servants and, yea, I hate doing that also.  Not just because the work is hard, but also  because, as an introvert, I find the work so distasteful.  Especially now that my life is such a mess.  Today I'm not feeling particularly suicidal, just sad.

Will try to leave at 3:00 today.  I need to work on my employee review.  Yuck fooey!

So I started reaching out in a significant way to people.  I am starved for attention.  I'm reaching out to a particularly interesting provider for 4 hour session at 400 per hour.  I am proposing a  dinner/snuggle date.  I asked her if she has a social rate.  She hasn't responded yet.  So who knows what is going to happen.  Some providers get really testy about their rates so I wouldn't be too surprised if we don't end up meeting.  I don't think that is the most likely scenario but it is a possibility.  Of course I am thinking about this and realizing I can get a new fridge in for my "country" home with that money. 

I'm sure it would be best if I did not move forward.  However I probably will.  At least this is just as cheap as Leana for one hour.   It is just the notion of reaching out to another human whose response interests me.  Having them get back to me with a human response.  I miss that so much.  But clearly God doesn't allow that at this point in my life.  I suppose that the kind of people with whom I want to connect are not the sort of person God wants me to connect with.  So he would rather I just suck it up and endure the pain while I prepare myself to eventually get back into the congregation in which there are a plethora of persons with whom I can associate with possibly even mutual benefit.  I can't seem to do that though.

So here I am stuck onto this tar-baby.  A funny story when I was a kid.  Now I'm the rabbit and I'm stuck fast.  I am craving attention.  What to do.  Nothing is working.  I guess I'll just try praying again.  At least in that case God can help me to endure if he chooses not to help me more directly. 

OK, I just did that.  I guess I feel a little better.  Now let me check my Tinder account!!!

That is so not funny.  It reminds me of how the Jews in Jerusalem made military agreements with some nations for protection from certain other aggressor nations.  All the while they should have been relying on God for their protection.  So when God brought judgement against them, there was no way the states to which they turned for help could turn back God's hand.  Even though he used other nations to execute his judgement, there was no way that judgement could be thwarted.  The Jews should have relied exclusively on God for their military protection.

By the same token I should be looking for God to provide the association and assistance I need during these dark times.  He would if only I would stop using wrong means to get what I need myself.  So when God brings judgement on this system of things I can only reasonably expect that I will be swept away along with the rest of Satan's world and all the his associates out to whom I reached for succor.  I see the trap, and I'm still caught in it.  D*mn.

So I am in the process of booking a "Social" date with an escort (40% off the regular rate - glad I asked.)  It's 2 hours of dinner and 2 hours of snuggling.  So I still need to make hotel and dinner reservations.  Will cost me a cool 1400 before it's all over.  Hopefully that's all.  It's not until March. Plenty of time to anticipate and plan.  I am just like the Jews, am I not? 

Now I feel so bad for having made these arrangements.  Praying to God to help me get out of this.  How stupid am I?  I am such a pitiful creature.