Eagles

It's Friday.  I got in on time.  I didn't even get 2K steps in yet this AM.  I feel so down, so badly.  I just don't know how to move forward.  I wonder if this is what it feels like at death's door.  I don't think so, but man, this is surely uncomfortable.

I'm solidifying arrangements with Olivia for our rendezvous in early March.  It's shaping up to be purely platonic which is totally cool with me.  I still have to get the hotel and dinner reservations, but I feel better about the meeting now.

My other cuddle partner should returning in that same time frame I think.  I hope so anyway.  I could really do with an other overnight.  She is really an affectionate person.  As I continue to mentally analyze our visits it is becoming clear that she really enjoys platonic touch.   When I was talking to her on our first session I later realized that I was never looking at her as I was speaking so that I could gauge how she responded to what I was saying.

On the second session I would occasionally disengage.  She would sit back and I would speak directly to her but her eyes were always down cast.  She was looking at my chest (not that it is all that, I had a shirt on of course).  But after a couple of times I realized that she was kind of longing for her head to be there, on my chest.  She seemed relieved when I would pull her back in.  I don't think I've engaged with an adult who behaved so affectionately toward me.  It is really very nice.

Break

A bad weekend just finished.  Watched nrop.  No meeting (of course.)  No work to speak of other than minimal laundry.  I am hopeless.  Did a little reading (very little.)  Slept a lot, but still overslept on Monday morning.  I do declare:  my life is slipping away 1 weekend at a time.  And I can't seem to do anything about it.

I read the text+ today.  Also did bible reading 3 ch.  If this was the 41st time this year I did that, then I might be feeling pretty good.  It's probably the second, maybe the third.   It just seems like no amount of rest is enough to put me right these days.  I know turning to God in prayer works.  Why don't I do that consistently and to the exclusion of reaching out to Satan's system for relief??

I am just so very stupid.  It's like I am alternating between good medicine and poison.  A teaspoon of this, a pint of that, a tablespoon of this, a quart of that.  No wonder I can't get anywhere. I am literally spinning out of control.  I have gone unstable.  I am in a chaotic regime.  

I said:  "Call the doctor. I think I'm gonna crash."
"The doctor say he's comin', but you gotta pay him cash."
They went rushin' down that freeway,
messed around and got lost
They didn't care they were just dyin' to get off
And it was life in the fast lane

Yup, and as the next verse implies, I am surely loosing my mind.