The Boxer

Well here I am again.  I just wrote a post this morning.  I guess I am rediscovering the cathartic effect of blogging on my mental stability.  Of course, a simple examination of my blog's content shows that it is no miracle cure, however it seems to help smooth out the sharp pain I often feel as I deal with life's disturbances.

Tinder continues to be a source of discouragement.  Seems as though no matter how many people I swipe right, no one matches.  The ones that do seem to take a look at my profile and quickly unmatch before I realize it.  That seems to happen a lot.

I'm looking for some kind of companionship now.  I am surprised at how difficult it is to find a cuddle partner interested that lives somewhere nearby.   Lots of messages sent with no responses.  I am guessing it is at least 6 to 1.  (Messages sent vs response messages)  However it may be 8 or 10 to 1.

The final option is escorts.  But that is so hugely expensive, I hesitate to continue.  Also, oh by the way, God really doesn't like it when I do that.  I know, I know .  .  .  "God is going to kill you so what does it matter?"  Okay, fair point.  However God will kill me for sure if I give up at least trying to do the right thing.  I guess right now I'm just pretty sure that he will kill me.  Still "I do declare .  .  . there are times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there, La-la  la-la . . . la-la laaa .  .  . Do dooo do-do doot-doo .  .  .  do-oo do doot-do .  .  .  In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade .  .  ."  But again, I digress.

I ended up getting nearly 8 hours of sleep last night.  I'm still sleepy as hell.  Something is wrong with me.  I don't know what it is.  I can't seem to fix it.  Whatever it is it has been wrong for at least the last 4 years or so.  Maybe it is the same thing that made me always fall asleep in church much to the chagrin and embarrassment of both myself and my parents.  When I was a kid, it was pretty bad.  Now as an old man, well, it still happens. 

I'm looking at buying a new computer.  A super-performing laptop.  32 gig memory and 1 TB hard drive.  I'm hoping it will help spark my interest in development again. I should wait though to see if there is a bonus available this year.  That's about 6 weeks away.  so I'm not holding my breath just yet.  People here talk openly about it.  Everyone is hopeful.  They are typically very generous.

Finished a book on the way into the office today.  Really good.  Found that the author was an experimental physicist.  Explains why his inclusion of time dilation effects was so outstanding.

So I'm again feeling extremely sleepy on occasion. I think whenever I'm in a situation where I have to listen and I am totally confused or bored, I just get sleepy.  It was another poor weekend.  All I did was laundry, read a book.  I am so very slack these days, months, years, decades!

The days are just rolling past.  Didn't go to the meeting last night.  I didn't think I would and there were no surprise urges to connect with my spiritual self.  So I just worked a little late.  Went home and slept.  I gained .7 kg yesterday.  Ate way too much bread at lunch.  Big mistake.  Still I am shocked at what an impact it had. 

Going out to lunch with my new boss today.  I need to convince him to go to India in my place to represent the technical team in front of or vendor.  It is becoming clear that I run the technical team differently from how the other Tech managers do.  The others are more like technical consultants hanging out to assist with technical problems.  I am more like a technical leader, reviewing the work the team does and either congratulating or rejecting the approach they might take. 

I feel so stupid and lost right now.  I am constantly afraid that someone will find out what a fraud I am and force me out of the company amid a huge wave of humiliation and embarrassment.  I feel so badly that I have no friends to talk to.  I am beginning to understand why I reach out to escorts.  Yea I want the obvious but I also want someone to talk to and to engage meaningfully with.  I suppose I want to make a connection as well.  May be why I am more interested in older (30 something) providers now than before.  I'm tired but I can't get rested.  I rest all the time and come into work tired.  I am really messed up right now. 

I really need to start going to the meetings again.  Trouble is the feeling isn't visceral.  It's entirely logical.  I find that I often don't act on pure logic no matter how logical it is.  Especially when it is something I don't otherwise want to do such as is the case here.  I just prayed about it.  That is probably the best I will do. 

I looked up why people shoot themselves in the mouth.  One response said because shooting yourself in the temple is more survivable.  Another indicated that shooting yourself in the temple is more sure because if you shoot yourself in the mouth you might miss the brain entirely.  Another person claimed a relative who shot themselves in the head and ended up blind and with brain damage.  But they didn't know where they aimed.  A totally useless post other than to emphasize that head shots may be survivable.  If I ever do myself in I think I'll stick with Helium gas. (If I can, of course I won't know the situation and it may be that a gun is the only device available for the job.) 

I guess I really do hate myself, at least in some sense of the word.