God vs Tinder

So I noticed that I am feeling better than usual right now.  Kind of buoyant even.  Of course when that happens I immediately look around to find out why.  I didn't have to think for very long.  A Tinder match responded to an email this morning.  It wasn't much but she did say that she enjoyed reading my messages.  That was cool and made me feel really good.  Of course I concocted a witty reply and sent it as soon as I had it ready.  She says she isn't ready to start dating.  I'm hoping she is OK with texting.

This gal is age appropriate for me which is to say that she's no spring chicken.  But man she looks really intelligent.  I told her that I am anxious to meet her.  Wondering if I should have said that but, Oh well.  I also said that I'm not a "player" and the former comment makes the latter more credible. We'll see what comes of it.  I'm hopeful.

After a while the practical side of the situation will kick in.  All the aforementioned notwithstanding:  I still don't have a date.  She tells me she doesn't want to date right now.  I have no other realistic prospects except those for whom I must pay dearly.  "There are times when I was so lonesome .  .  ."  OK let's not resurrect the boxer yet again.  However I did send an IM to Olivia L.  Stupid I know but, well just call me stupid.  I respond to that (at least I should.)

I've pretty much decided to get the new computer.  Only question is do I wait for the bonus to get it.  I don't know what I'm going to do right now.  I'm leaning toward just going out there and buying it b/c I think it might help me get excited about coding again.

Right now I'm feeling this huge wave of sadness and despair coming over me.  I feel burned to the core like nothing is worth anything.  Of course I know that doing God's will is helpful and purposeful, but I am disallowed from filling the primary mission of God's servants and, yea, I hate doing that also.  Not just because the work is hard, but also  because, as an introvert, I find the work so distasteful.  Especially now that my life is such a mess.  Today I'm not feeling particularly suicidal, just sad.

Will try to leave at 3:00 today.  I need to work on my employee review.  Yuck fooey!

So I started reaching out in a significant way to people.  I am starved for attention.  I'm reaching out to a particularly interesting provider for 4 hour session at 400 per hour.  I am proposing a  dinner/snuggle date.  I asked her if she has a social rate.  She hasn't responded yet.  So who knows what is going to happen.  Some providers get really testy about their rates so I wouldn't be too surprised if we don't end up meeting.  I don't think that is the most likely scenario but it is a possibility.  Of course I am thinking about this and realizing I can get a new fridge in for my "country" home with that money. 

I'm sure it would be best if I did not move forward.  However I probably will.  At least this is just as cheap as Leana for one hour.   It is just the notion of reaching out to another human whose response interests me.  Having them get back to me with a human response.  I miss that so much.  But clearly God doesn't allow that at this point in my life.  I suppose that the kind of people with whom I want to connect are not the sort of person God wants me to connect with.  So he would rather I just suck it up and endure the pain while I prepare myself to eventually get back into the congregation in which there are a plethora of persons with whom I can associate with possibly even mutual benefit.  I can't seem to do that though.

So here I am stuck onto this tar-baby.  A funny story when I was a kid.  Now I'm the rabbit and I'm stuck fast.  I am craving attention.  What to do.  Nothing is working.  I guess I'll just try praying again.  At least in that case God can help me to endure if he chooses not to help me more directly. 

OK, I just did that.  I guess I feel a little better.  Now let me check my Tinder account!!!

That is so not funny.  It reminds me of how the Jews in Jerusalem made military agreements with some nations for protection from certain other aggressor nations.  All the while they should have been relying on God for their protection.  So when God brought judgement against them, there was no way the states to which they turned for help could turn back God's hand.  Even though he used other nations to execute his judgement, there was no way that judgement could be thwarted.  The Jews should have relied exclusively on God for their military protection.

By the same token I should be looking for God to provide the association and assistance I need during these dark times.  He would if only I would stop using wrong means to get what I need myself.  So when God brings judgement on this system of things I can only reasonably expect that I will be swept away along with the rest of Satan's world and all the his associates out to whom I reached for succor.  I see the trap, and I'm still caught in it.  D*mn.

So I am in the process of booking a "Social" date with an escort (40% off the regular rate - glad I asked.)  It's 2 hours of dinner and 2 hours of snuggling.  So I still need to make hotel and dinner reservations.  Will cost me a cool 1400 before it's all over.  Hopefully that's all.  It's not until March. Plenty of time to anticipate and plan.  I am just like the Jews, am I not? 

Now I feel so bad for having made these arrangements.  Praying to God to help me get out of this.  How stupid am I?  I am such a pitiful creature. 

The Boxer

Well here I am again.  I just wrote a post this morning.  I guess I am rediscovering the cathartic effect of blogging on my mental stability.  Of course, a simple examination of my blog's content shows that it is no miracle cure, however it seems to help smooth out the sharp pain I often feel as I deal with life's disturbances.

Tinder continues to be a source of discouragement.  Seems as though no matter how many people I swipe right, no one matches.  The ones that do seem to take a look at my profile and quickly unmatch before I realize it.  That seems to happen a lot.

I'm looking for some kind of companionship now.  I am surprised at how difficult it is to find a cuddle partner interested that lives somewhere nearby.   Lots of messages sent with no responses.  I am guessing it is at least 6 to 1.  (Messages sent vs response messages)  However it may be 8 or 10 to 1.

The final option is escorts.  But that is so hugely expensive, I hesitate to continue.  Also, oh by the way, God really doesn't like it when I do that.  I know, I know .  .  .  "God is going to kill you so what does it matter?"  Okay, fair point.  However God will kill me for sure if I give up at least trying to do the right thing.  I guess right now I'm just pretty sure that he will kill me.  Still "I do declare .  .  . there are times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there, La-la  la-la . . . la-la laaa .  .  . Do dooo do-do doot-doo .  .  .  do-oo do doot-do .  .  .  In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade .  .  ."  But again, I digress.

I ended up getting nearly 8 hours of sleep last night.  I'm still sleepy as hell.  Something is wrong with me.  I don't know what it is.  I can't seem to fix it.  Whatever it is it has been wrong for at least the last 4 years or so.  Maybe it is the same thing that made me always fall asleep in church much to the chagrin and embarrassment of both myself and my parents.  When I was a kid, it was pretty bad.  Now as an old man, well, it still happens. 

I'm looking at buying a new computer.  A super-performing laptop.  32 gig memory and 1 TB hard drive.  I'm hoping it will help spark my interest in development again. I should wait though to see if there is a bonus available this year.  That's about 6 weeks away.  so I'm not holding my breath just yet.  People here talk openly about it.  Everyone is hopeful.  They are typically very generous.

Finished a book on the way into the office today.  Really good.  Found that the author was an experimental physicist.  Explains why his inclusion of time dilation effects was so outstanding.

So I'm again feeling extremely sleepy on occasion. I think whenever I'm in a situation where I have to listen and I am totally confused or bored, I just get sleepy.  It was another poor weekend.  All I did was laundry, read a book.  I am so very slack these days, months, years, decades!

The days are just rolling past.  Didn't go to the meeting last night.  I didn't think I would and there were no surprise urges to connect with my spiritual self.  So I just worked a little late.  Went home and slept.  I gained .7 kg yesterday.  Ate way too much bread at lunch.  Big mistake.  Still I am shocked at what an impact it had. 

Going out to lunch with my new boss today.  I need to convince him to go to India in my place to represent the technical team in front of or vendor.  It is becoming clear that I run the technical team differently from how the other Tech managers do.  The others are more like technical consultants hanging out to assist with technical problems.  I am more like a technical leader, reviewing the work the team does and either congratulating or rejecting the approach they might take. 

I feel so stupid and lost right now.  I am constantly afraid that someone will find out what a fraud I am and force me out of the company amid a huge wave of humiliation and embarrassment.  I feel so badly that I have no friends to talk to.  I am beginning to understand why I reach out to escorts.  Yea I want the obvious but I also want someone to talk to and to engage meaningfully with.  I suppose I want to make a connection as well.  May be why I am more interested in older (30 something) providers now than before.  I'm tired but I can't get rested.  I rest all the time and come into work tired.  I am really messed up right now. 

I really need to start going to the meetings again.  Trouble is the feeling isn't visceral.  It's entirely logical.  I find that I often don't act on pure logic no matter how logical it is.  Especially when it is something I don't otherwise want to do such as is the case here.  I just prayed about it.  That is probably the best I will do. 

I looked up why people shoot themselves in the mouth.  One response said because shooting yourself in the temple is more survivable.  Another indicated that shooting yourself in the temple is more sure because if you shoot yourself in the mouth you might miss the brain entirely.  Another person claimed a relative who shot themselves in the head and ended up blind and with brain damage.  But they didn't know where they aimed.  A totally useless post other than to emphasize that head shots may be survivable.  If I ever do myself in I think I'll stick with Helium gas. (If I can, of course I won't know the situation and it may be that a gun is the only device available for the job.) 

I guess I really do hate myself, at least in some sense of the word.

Mind Wandeing

Not sure why I am blogging so much in the past few days.  I am still a non-JW officially.  I still don't do all the studying I should.  I guess I have got nothing really new to say (and I haven't had anything for a while.)  Of course I still blog, saying the same old sh*t over again.

I'm falling in infatuation for another provider, Olivia Lark.  Seems like a really interesting gal.  I tried (weakly) to visit her the last time she was here in October (I think,)  She's coming again in March. 

I've been dreaming a lot of my cuddle partner lately.  Of course there is no chance of a real relationship.  "This girl is half his age.  (Please don't stand so close to me!)" but I digress.   Anyway what sparked the latest round of dreaming is that I got an email message from her indicating she just arrived in Europe for her extended vacation with friends.  Will be there for a month or so.  I do hope we can cuddle again when she gets back.  I worry a little bit 'cause she wants to do some serious rave partying while there.  Seems unsafe, but typical of that generation. 

We are really excellent cuddle partners though.  We both like to hug and be hugged.  We like snuggling under the covers and the one time we spent the night together (platonic) it was really enjoyable.  We did this thing where when lying down and facing each other we interlaced our knees to get good skin contact and so our bodies would be a little closer together.  I've always liked doing that but usually have to show my cuddle partner how to do it.  She just did it automatically.  I'm pretty sure there is something about it in an earlier blog entry, but maybe not. 

She told me the next morning that she was awake at one point lying on her side with her back to me.  I reached over and started rubbing her back, the way my ex- used to like me to do it.  She said that after I did that a little while she fell asleep again.  That was nice to hear.  At the time I thought she was just sleeping.  I reached over just to make some contact with her.  We fell asleep intertwined, but as some point while sleeping she disengaged and rolled over.  I woke up (typical brief night time awakening)  and wanted to re-engage, but didn't want to wake her.  So I just rubbed her back.  I fell asleep again with my feet against her legs for contact. 

Later that morning as we were waking up we interlaced again.  She hugged my chest and laid her head there.  She needed to leave at a certain time so it wasn't for very long.  But it was nice.

There is an age appropriate gal I met on Tinder.  As is typical she chickened out just before our first face to face date.  I contacted her again yesterday but she sent me a message back giving me the brush off.  "I work 12 hour days.  I'm too tired.  I'm not ready for dating.  It's me not you."  Ok that last part was not real, but that's how it felt.  Anyway I sent her a message back saying "Keep me in mind for future events."  I don't expect to ever hear from her again. 

C'est la vie.  And still I want to be a JW.  Man this is just a pickle isn't it.  That's why I just expect that God will kill me.

Well Wishing

I mentioned to my Dr. that I frequently think of suicide and she asks me on each visit if I am thinking about it more.  I answer honestly.  I always think about it and have been since High School.  I haven't done it yet so I probably won't any time soon.

That is still true but I can feel myself stepping closer to the edge.  I just can't get myself to go to the meetings these days.  Not even on Saturday when I wake up early enough and have plenty of time to get there, I just have not generated a strong enough desire to get ready and go.  So it is looking really hopeless these days.  I still have the boot print on my butt from being kicked out and I just always feel badly.  There isn't anything good that I enjoy.  It hurts to read the bible and study.  I do it sometimes anyway, but it hurts.  It hurts even more to watch the JW videos.  I largely stopped doing that because it hurts so much. 

I'm on new anti-depression medication.  It isn't working that well.  I can feel myself slipping even further into listlessness.  I do almost nothing every weekend now.  I feel like I have to stay on it a few weeks to give it a fair chance, but man, it just isn't going well after a week and a half.  It feels like nothing really.

I have a company "Thing" tomorrow. All day.  I hate those d*mn things.  But they are required, I'm supposed to have a good time, oh well .  .  .  Right now I'm trying to avoid seeing another escort this evening.  She is really pretty and is multi-lingual.  I've started a text dialog.  I'm trying to get myself to stop before going through with it.  Wouldn't that be such a slap in the face?  I'm supposed to go to a meeting tonight and instead I'm thinking about visiting an escort?  How did I ever get this low.  But here I am, down here at the bottom of this well.  And I can't get a purchase on the walls to climb out of it.  Even when I make it up a few meters I just fall back down again (and again, and again .  .  .).

Of course I pray about this, but not consistently and hard enough clearly.  And then I don't follow through with the things I should be doing, reading, studying and going to the meetings.  So I am still in this hole.  The escorts provide a measure of comfort down here.  But they are like chains that bind me to the bottom of this pit.  I have to let them go to have any hope of ever climbing out of here.

So I was just thinking of killing myself down here, again.  My situation is just so awful.  I truly hate the man I've grown up to become.  I keep thinking that I can change, but then I keep failing to do so.  So it all just seems so pointless.

God please help me.  Tell me what I should do.

Aisle Seat

It's kind of a weird afternoon.  The people who would otherwise be in my area have either moved away or they are working from home or they are not in the city.  So I am almost totally by myself here and I'm feeling the lonely.  I feel tired and sleepy even though I shouldn't be.  I got plenty of sleep last night.  But I'm doing that thing where if I stare to long at anything I zone out and start imagining conversations in my head that are so real I can almost hear the voices.  This is bad. 

My doc keeps asking if I am considering suicide.  I have let her know that it is  a constant thought which is at times more prevalent than others, but since I have been considering it for at least 45 years now, I think it is very unlikely that I'll follow through with it.  But days like today bring on the thoughts as I despair.  I don't serve God.  God destroys the wicked.  So I think God will destroy me.  It is just hard to imagine the scenario where by I return to God.  I am kicked out.  They entire executive team for the congregation has been replaced.  None of them know me nor to they seem at all concerned about finding out who I am on those few instances when I do show up at the meeting.

I read about reinstatement in the org book.  I need to do works befitting repentance (read go to meetings and study and pray) for several months, a year, or more.  Well first things first.  I need to get to the meetings consistently.  That will be hard enough.  I have begun to notice that when things happen badly at the meetings I don't want to return.  The last time I was there I got trapped in the row of seats by someone on the aisle who was talking to her friends for at least 20 mins before she moved on.  I usually sit against the wall and away from the aisle to be inconspicuous.  But given how it works out, I am thinking about going back to sitting on the aisle.  Of course I would have to fget to the meeting early, but that is not generally a problem.  It is getting to the meeting at all that is the problem.  Especially when there is a bad experience at the meeting such as being stuck sitting for so long. 

So I am considering just going rogue and sitting on the aisle.  Reading the text as I wait works well to kill the time available when coming in early to get a seat in the back on an aisle.  I'll try this next time. 

This is Getting Boring.

And so it starts again.  I actually made it through last month without seeing a provider.  There is one provider from long ago that will be in town this month.  Russian gal who wore a red dress.  Intensely pretty face and jamin' physique.  She's from SF so I am immediately worried about disease.  That has really put a chill on things.  OK I didn't have anything last time I checked but the reminder was enough to put a real fear into me.  I spent a moment reading about one disease that is pretty common in DC and it was really hideous reminder of the problems this kind of wantonness can incur.

I could just do dinner.  She seems pretty intelligent but, d*mn, that's a lot of money for a dinner.  But then again, I am so d*mn lonely these days.

So this is another just regular work day.  I am feeling really nervous.  Stressing out as I consider the technical aspects of my job for which I feel thoroughly unqualified.

Lately I have been praying more.  It really seems to help in some ways.  However, I think as a side effect of the Prozac, I will get really sleepy at various points during the day.  Usually when there is no outside stimulation my eyelids get super heavy.  My eyes seem to glass over like I have been awake for 20 hours or so.  My mind easily wanders to imagined scenarios.  I vividly imagine conversations between myself and others.  No, I don't hear voices per se.  But the conversations I imagine occupy my attention almost fully.  It is almost like they are really happening.  I stand at my desk at times.  It works for a little while.

I also noticed my hands are starting to shake.  I had that same experience a few years ago when I was on some similar medication.  Whatever - I'm just going to keep plowing ahead hoping that this works.  If not I'll ask to switch to Trintellix.

I have the assembly this Sunday.  My son is expecting to see me there which is a strong motivator for me to actually get myself up and over to the place.  I hope I do anyway.  It is what I should do.  D*mn, feeling sleepy again.

Break

So last night was OK.  Still having trouble staying asleep through the night.  Woke up again around midnight but was able to get back to sleep w/o too much trouble.  Prayed again this AM.  I'd like to make this a habit but, well I've wanted to do that for many years now.  I don't know why I started doing so recently.  I don't intend to stop but I have little hope of continuing for any significant length of time simply due to my history over the last 45 years or so.

Yesterday's commute was really long even though I left at about 5:00.  Didn't get home until about 7:00.  Got trapped in the garage at Whiele and then had to take the Greenway.  Not a habit I want to extend any further.  What the hell am I going to do.  I really just don't know.  I should definitely leave between 6:00 and 6:30.  Getting home late is really unsustainable.

Long Break

So the previous post was in the mid-November time frame.  It's 2020 already now.  Long time off over the holidays.  Didn't do anything spectacular.  I did find a new cuddler and so I cleaned my place up pretty well to avoid an overly negative first impression.  I've seen her twice now.  In both instances for 2 hours.  We start on the couch and then move to the BR.  This new Cuddlist really seems to enjoy the snuggling.  It is pretty nice.  Strictly platonic of course but she seems a natural at the art.  I have an O/N session this weekend scheduled.

I started praying about my life situation more recently.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I seem unable to do anything with my life and the walls are falling down all around me.  The thought of suicide continues to present itself and it continues to be a stupid option.  I can't think of anything else that will definitively end the pain in short order.  I know all would get better if I just do God's will.  But how can I do that when I can't even get  myself to go to the meeting?

Of course I am falling for my cuddlist, but I know beyond reasonable doubt that there is absolutely no chance of anything developing there.  She is a 20 something nice looking INTP.  A rare type but attractive and well formed.  Also, oh by the way, she doesn't do dudes.  So there's that. 

So I actually tried seriously to get to the meeting a few times recently; I just couldn't overcome the inertia.  There were no blockers, no sickness or alternative activity.  I just could not convince myself to get ready and go.  It's bad I know.  I don't understand why that happens.  I did read the text, Wt, and Bible today (2 chapters).  I am still supposed to watch about 10 min of JW TV this evening and read from my "Daniel" book, one more chapter.  I also listen to JW music in the shower now.  I figure it might subliminally turn my mind to good rather than evil.  I think that's really a thing now. 

God helped me break away from nrop recently.  About a month ago or so.  It's liberating not to be enslaved to that for a little while.  I don't know how long I'll last, but it will be nice for as long as I can hold out.  That stuff is really vile and nasty.  I am glad to be away from it for a while.  Of course I hope that this adjustment is permanent but then, it's me, and I trip easily. 

And Just More of the Same

Well, crap!  what now.

So, yet again, I have come to the conclusion that I am likely to die at Armageddon if not sooner.  I keep asking myself what I could could make or force myself to do to get off this wagon train and onto a new vehicle (God's Salvation Train -- much different than the "Gospel Train" of youthful melodies. To wit:  "The Gospel train is commin'  I hear it close at hand,  I hear the engines rumblin' and roarin' 'cross the land; So get on board, little children, get on board.  Get on board .  .  .  [I forget the rest])

But I digress.

I am in such sh*t right now.  I truly don't know what to do.  Quitting seems pointless but I am loosing motivation to do anything positive these days.  I have a 3 day weekend coming up.  I look forward to it in that I can spend more time resting.  I dread it a bit b/c without the structure of going to work, I spend my time watching TV, watching nrop and knifing up.  There doesn't seem to be anything I can do so stop this trend.

Maybe I can pick up something and just start learning it from scratch, like web development?

Or maybe Database work like with Cache or MongoDB

I went to the doctor for the first time in many months.  (Of course in the past there has been  decades between dr visits but now that I am old and decrepit several months is a long time.  I needed an STD screening.  At first the doc recommended just doing 2, clamidia and one other I forget.  But then I told her that I see adult entertainment providers (AEP's) and she is giving me a full battery of testing.  All the ones available.  She is also doing the labs to see if I can take the special anti hepres (I think) pill to reduce the chance of infection in the future.

No results yet though.  She does recommend retesting every 3 - 4 months.   I definately think that's a good idea if this level of sexual activity keeps up.

BREAK BREAK BREAK

So there is no significance to the fact that there are 3 (count 'em 3) "Break"s in the above line.  I just want it prominent that time has passed between this statement and the last.

So the Doc found no STD's which is a huge relief.  Not just b/c I'm not infected but also b/c I don't feel guilty about potentially passing something on to others.  Now I am really hesitant to engage in any more activity.  Of course that's a good thing but I doubt if that hesitation is enough to preclude activity into the future.  I am still feeling gratified by the last encounter.  I think about it often.  I like the how the provider behaved during the encounter.  She was unafraid of adjusting and changing to get the feeling she wanted.  She kept shifting from one position to another.  Of course I was totally enjoying myself.  But I don't want to think about that too much.  That was a singular experience in my mind.  Not one likely to be repeated again soon.

I am really struggling work-wise.  I see myself as barely qualified to do the work here.  I want to run away, but I need the job (actually the money the job pays.)  Today I feel unusually agitated.  I am not sure why.  It may be b/c my Doc put me on Prozac recently.  I remember one other time when I was on antidepressants (goose creek psycho center) the doc put me on an anti-anxiety medication.  I recall that was a pretty good combination.

Anyway I'm thinking I'll leave early today.  I don't know how to justify it though.  I just know I am really having trouble getting anything done now.

I got so sleepy yesterday afternoon.  I ended up leaving the office at 4:30.  So I feel bad about leaving early again today.  I know I get in early every day, but I really need the extra time just to put in a full day's work with all the issues I have going on.

The anxiety seems to be passing.  I can focus now a lot better than before.  Maybe it was a sugar rush from the wedding (shower) cake I ate right after lunch.  It had tons of icing.  But of course now I feel really sleepy again.  I wonder if this too is a side effect of Prozac.  This pill popping crap is for the birds, but what else can I do?  I am such a mess right now.

For the last few days I have particularly felt badly.  Focusing on the uselessness of the life I led and how I could have had a great life with lots of positive feedback if only I had chosen to serve God instead of serving myself.

I'm feeling a hot flash coming on now.  Crap!.


I have an assembly this weekend.  I'll go to the one that my son is attending so I'll see him.  Can't talk to him but (according to the latest information of which I am aware) it is OK to sit beside him.