Well Wishing

I mentioned to my Dr. that I frequently think of suicide and she asks me on each visit if I am thinking about it more.  I answer honestly.  I always think about it and have been since High School.  I haven't done it yet so I probably won't any time soon.

That is still true but I can feel myself stepping closer to the edge.  I just can't get myself to go to the meetings these days.  Not even on Saturday when I wake up early enough and have plenty of time to get there, I just have not generated a strong enough desire to get ready and go.  So it is looking really hopeless these days.  I still have the boot print on my butt from being kicked out and I just always feel badly.  There isn't anything good that I enjoy.  It hurts to read the bible and study.  I do it sometimes anyway, but it hurts.  It hurts even more to watch the JW videos.  I largely stopped doing that because it hurts so much. 

I'm on new anti-depression medication.  It isn't working that well.  I can feel myself slipping even further into listlessness.  I do almost nothing every weekend now.  I feel like I have to stay on it a few weeks to give it a fair chance, but man, it just isn't going well after a week and a half.  It feels like nothing really.

I have a company "Thing" tomorrow. All day.  I hate those d*mn things.  But they are required, I'm supposed to have a good time, oh well .  .  .  Right now I'm trying to avoid seeing another escort this evening.  She is really pretty and is multi-lingual.  I've started a text dialog.  I'm trying to get myself to stop before going through with it.  Wouldn't that be such a slap in the face?  I'm supposed to go to a meeting tonight and instead I'm thinking about visiting an escort?  How did I ever get this low.  But here I am, down here at the bottom of this well.  And I can't get a purchase on the walls to climb out of it.  Even when I make it up a few meters I just fall back down again (and again, and again .  .  .).

Of course I pray about this, but not consistently and hard enough clearly.  And then I don't follow through with the things I should be doing, reading, studying and going to the meetings.  So I am still in this hole.  The escorts provide a measure of comfort down here.  But they are like chains that bind me to the bottom of this pit.  I have to let them go to have any hope of ever climbing out of here.

So I was just thinking of killing myself down here, again.  My situation is just so awful.  I truly hate the man I've grown up to become.  I keep thinking that I can change, but then I keep failing to do so.  So it all just seems so pointless.

God please help me.  Tell me what I should do.