Aisle Seat

It's kind of a weird afternoon.  The people who would otherwise be in my area have either moved away or they are working from home or they are not in the city.  So I am almost totally by myself here and I'm feeling the lonely.  I feel tired and sleepy even though I shouldn't be.  I got plenty of sleep last night.  But I'm doing that thing where if I stare to long at anything I zone out and start imagining conversations in my head that are so real I can almost hear the voices.  This is bad. 

My doc keeps asking if I am considering suicide.  I have let her know that it is  a constant thought which is at times more prevalent than others, but since I have been considering it for at least 45 years now, I think it is very unlikely that I'll follow through with it.  But days like today bring on the thoughts as I despair.  I don't serve God.  God destroys the wicked.  So I think God will destroy me.  It is just hard to imagine the scenario where by I return to God.  I am kicked out.  They entire executive team for the congregation has been replaced.  None of them know me nor to they seem at all concerned about finding out who I am on those few instances when I do show up at the meeting.

I read about reinstatement in the org book.  I need to do works befitting repentance (read go to meetings and study and pray) for several months, a year, or more.  Well first things first.  I need to get to the meetings consistently.  That will be hard enough.  I have begun to notice that when things happen badly at the meetings I don't want to return.  The last time I was there I got trapped in the row of seats by someone on the aisle who was talking to her friends for at least 20 mins before she moved on.  I usually sit against the wall and away from the aisle to be inconspicuous.  But given how it works out, I am thinking about going back to sitting on the aisle.  Of course I would have to fget to the meeting early, but that is not generally a problem.  It is getting to the meeting at all that is the problem.  Especially when there is a bad experience at the meeting such as being stuck sitting for so long. 

So I am considering just going rogue and sitting on the aisle.  Reading the text as I wait works well to kill the time available when coming in early to get a seat in the back on an aisle.  I'll try this next time.