This is Getting Boring.

And so it starts again.  I actually made it through last month without seeing a provider.  There is one provider from long ago that will be in town this month.  Russian gal who wore a red dress.  Intensely pretty face and jamin' physique.  She's from SF so I am immediately worried about disease.  That has really put a chill on things.  OK I didn't have anything last time I checked but the reminder was enough to put a real fear into me.  I spent a moment reading about one disease that is pretty common in DC and it was really hideous reminder of the problems this kind of wantonness can incur.

I could just do dinner.  She seems pretty intelligent but, d*mn, that's a lot of money for a dinner.  But then again, I am so d*mn lonely these days.

So this is another just regular work day.  I am feeling really nervous.  Stressing out as I consider the technical aspects of my job for which I feel thoroughly unqualified.

Lately I have been praying more.  It really seems to help in some ways.  However, I think as a side effect of the Prozac, I will get really sleepy at various points during the day.  Usually when there is no outside stimulation my eyelids get super heavy.  My eyes seem to glass over like I have been awake for 20 hours or so.  My mind easily wanders to imagined scenarios.  I vividly imagine conversations between myself and others.  No, I don't hear voices per se.  But the conversations I imagine occupy my attention almost fully.  It is almost like they are really happening.  I stand at my desk at times.  It works for a little while.

I also noticed my hands are starting to shake.  I had that same experience a few years ago when I was on some similar medication.  Whatever - I'm just going to keep plowing ahead hoping that this works.  If not I'll ask to switch to Trintellix.

I have the assembly this Sunday.  My son is expecting to see me there which is a strong motivator for me to actually get myself up and over to the place.  I hope I do anyway.  It is what I should do.  D*mn, feeling sleepy again.

Break

So last night was OK.  Still having trouble staying asleep through the night.  Woke up again around midnight but was able to get back to sleep w/o too much trouble.  Prayed again this AM.  I'd like to make this a habit but, well I've wanted to do that for many years now.  I don't know why I started doing so recently.  I don't intend to stop but I have little hope of continuing for any significant length of time simply due to my history over the last 45 years or so.

Yesterday's commute was really long even though I left at about 5:00.  Didn't get home until about 7:00.  Got trapped in the garage at Whiele and then had to take the Greenway.  Not a habit I want to extend any further.  What the hell am I going to do.  I really just don't know.  I should definitely leave between 6:00 and 6:30.  Getting home late is really unsustainable.

Long Break

So the previous post was in the mid-November time frame.  It's 2020 already now.  Long time off over the holidays.  Didn't do anything spectacular.  I did find a new cuddler and so I cleaned my place up pretty well to avoid an overly negative first impression.  I've seen her twice now.  In both instances for 2 hours.  We start on the couch and then move to the BR.  This new Cuddlist really seems to enjoy the snuggling.  It is pretty nice.  Strictly platonic of course but she seems a natural at the art.  I have an O/N session this weekend scheduled.

I started praying about my life situation more recently.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I seem unable to do anything with my life and the walls are falling down all around me.  The thought of suicide continues to present itself and it continues to be a stupid option.  I can't think of anything else that will definitively end the pain in short order.  I know all would get better if I just do God's will.  But how can I do that when I can't even get  myself to go to the meeting?

Of course I am falling for my cuddlist, but I know beyond reasonable doubt that there is absolutely no chance of anything developing there.  She is a 20 something nice looking INTP.  A rare type but attractive and well formed.  Also, oh by the way, she doesn't do dudes.  So there's that. 

So I actually tried seriously to get to the meeting a few times recently; I just couldn't overcome the inertia.  There were no blockers, no sickness or alternative activity.  I just could not convince myself to get ready and go.  It's bad I know.  I don't understand why that happens.  I did read the text, Wt, and Bible today (2 chapters).  I am still supposed to watch about 10 min of JW TV this evening and read from my "Daniel" book, one more chapter.  I also listen to JW music in the shower now.  I figure it might subliminally turn my mind to good rather than evil.  I think that's really a thing now. 

God helped me break away from nrop recently.  About a month ago or so.  It's liberating not to be enslaved to that for a little while.  I don't know how long I'll last, but it will be nice for as long as I can hold out.  That stuff is really vile and nasty.  I am glad to be away from it for a while.  Of course I hope that this adjustment is permanent but then, it's me, and I trip easily.