Death March

Well lots has changed (negatively,) since the last post.  My mood is in the toilet and I think about suicide frequently.  I have had some negative things happen at work and it is becoming apparent that I just don't belong here and I never will.  Some of it, Ok well a lot of it is entirely my fault.  Some of it has to do with the fact that most people here treat me with very little if any, respect.  I have had to just accept the way people treat me since there seems to be nothing I can say to make it stop.  Arguing has a deleterious effect on what little relationship is left with my co-workers.  It has no good effect on the issue about which I am arguing.  As a matter of fact it usually ends up solidifying people in a position opposite the one I espoused.

The tax man has come demanding scores of thousands of dollars and I can't seem to deal with that well.  No real news there except that he/they have been raiding accounts and attaching property to get what they are owed.  I don't even know where anything stands.

So my job is for sh*t and I am all but broke.  I still use escorts so I can't get back in the truth and my addiction to porn is unmitigated.

Now my AC broke but I am too depressed to get it fixed so I am uncomfortable every night and day at home.  Of course my heat has been off for the last several years so I had been using portable heaters.  No need for them now.

Oddly I have made some progress getting my place more presentable.  I have my robot vacuums working now so the floor isn't grungy like it used to be.  Filing is actually happening but it is more like I have stopped receding as rapidly as I had been.  Well actually I am receding into a better organized mass of un-filed paperwork than before.

My blood pressure is very high again.  Something like 185 over 110.  Yikes!  But I don't have adequate concern to get to the Doctor about it.  Not even just to get my prescription refilled.  Oh, and I'm still gaining weight.  around 200 lb now.

I took some vacation recently.  It was really bad.  I did some good things.  I started working on fixing my boots that had the soul separating from the upper.  I fixed 2 watch bands to make them usable.

Someone was supposed to be painting my other house.  They keep getting side tracked.  I paid them fully for the work.  However somehow some way they are a couple of years behind schedule.  I don't understand, but I'm not angry.  I know the guy and he is basically a really good man.  Something must be going on with him I guess.  I guess I would be surprised if he is ripping me off.  But oh well.  that would be just another disappointment.  One of many I continue to have these days.

I am 1 + 5/12th years into my df and no meeting with the chieftans.  They are supposed to meet annually but I did not expect it to happen.   I missed  the twice annual meetings when the itinerant bog dog came around.  I really tried to make it and I was actually there for one of the meetings but I was so late and the meeting was so crowded I knew if I walked in there wouldn't be a seat for me in an inconspicuous location so I didn't bother going in.  Yea I know it was stupid to miss, but that's what I do.

I have started a new thing, forcing myself to listen to righteous music. I hate it, but it is like bad tasting medicine.  I know it's good for me.  I worry some times that I will just go running and screaming away from that music just like I do with meeting attendance.  For now I am still force feeding myself.  Whatever, it must be good for me right?

I haven't gotten my tooth fixed.  I have new cavities, My glasses are broken and have been for over a year.  I haven't gotten a new glasses prescription in a almost 3 years now.  My hair is basically all grey now and my eyes are constantly bloodshot.  Of course I am fat and getting fatter but we covered that before.

Yes, there is a lot further I could fall.  Life could be far, far worse than it is.  However the salient point is that, as far as I can tell, it is bad enough now that I am rather sure I wouldn't make it through Armageddon if it happens within the next several months.  Lately I have been almost literally retching at how distasteful my life is currently.  I am sure a new psychoactive medicine would make things better for a while.  Not really though, I'd just go through another cycle and end up right back here in a year or two if the system lasts that long,.

So it seems like there is nothing I can do to fix myself.  Hence the suicidal thoughts.

Ideas anyone?

Lethal Internet

So how to reboot my tired old self.  I really just don't know.  I say the same things over and over, study, meetings, prayer and service.  I have tried all these with varying degrees of success.  I can't seem to fire on all cylinders in the proper sequence for a long enough period of time to get back into the congregation.  Even when I was in the congregation I couldn't get it going long enough to convince anyone that I was sincere.  So I was always on my own.  No encouragement from anyone.  Of course the deacons "helped" by telling me how bad my problems were and telling me that I'm not doing enough.  It's not thier fault though.  It is mine.  Well me and those who assisted in my demise.  Of course as has been stated many times before in this blog,  I am the one with primary responsibility because God could have and would have given me all the help I needed if I had only asked and worked along with my request and stopped drinking poison while I tried to get better..

I suppose I don't really need a gun or a tank of helium to kill myself.  Internet access will do just fine.

The Recognized Beginning of the End

So I guess the beginning of the end was when began consistently making decisions to put my own interests ahead of God's.  That would be in High School when I decided to go to College instead of serving God full time.

Now I finally know and appreciate the gravity of that decision.  I am sitting outside God's organization and I can't find my way back in.  I have worked on and achieved partial success with a number of initiatives.  Studying more, reading the bible, going to meetings, prayer, watching Jw tv, listening to Jw music and so on.  However they are always short lived efforts and they are interspersed with  poisonous activity that counteracts the good that I would otherwise do:  immoral behavior, and entertainment. 

Now I am old, and people at work laugh at me behind my back.  They are openly rude to me in meetings and enjoy the opportunity to reject any suggestion I have.  Even the things I have accomplished are first minimized and then  quickly claimed by others.  They have no problem walking back what I built up. 

I am having my reckoning with my lack of action regarding past fiscal mistakes.  Basically everything I have done and accomplished that has been good in my life is washing away.  My life has been crumbling for the past couple of decades and now major fishers are opening that can't be covered over anymore.  I've lost my interest in everything.  I just don't care about much anymore.  All those things that I thought would be so important are just meaningless now. 

I really think I would do myself in were it not for the fact that I don't have the authority to take my own life.  That would be presumptuously taking my own judgment in to my hands.  God doesn't like it when people do that.  Of course Judas had no better choice, but, thankfully, I'm not as bad as he was.  Of course that leaves me plenty bad enough to warrant destruction from God, as far as I can tell.  But still that is not my call to make. 

So what that means is that even though I know, as well as one can know these things, that I am unacceptable to God and just waiting for the final adverse judgement, I can't do anything to hurry along the execution of that judgement.  All I can seem to do is to sit around waiting for God, or his appointed executioner, to bring me to an end.  I suppose I can hope that it is quick and does not involved torture and prolonged suffering, but I don't know if God grants deference to such like preferences. 

All I am is sad all the time.  I am so thoroughly disgusted with myself and my bad decisions.  I have lost hope of ever getting out of this mess on my own, and I don't have anyone I can reliably turn to for help.  They all are JW's who can't help me or they are not even remotely close enough to contact for this kind of help.  So here I sit, stewing in my own feelings of worthlessness and worry about being further exposed as the fraud that I am. 

When I was giving my Valedictorian speech from High School I mentioned Solomon's words about a time to laugh, to cry, to skip about etc.  For me it seems now would be a good time to die.  I have lost everything of value.  I realize that.  And now I just need to live out the rest of my life, for as long as God allows me to continue to exist, waiting for the time when he will pass judgement and mercifully bring this life to an end.  I just hate myself so very much.  I am such a complete and total failure.  

Old Flame (Sort Of)

I just heard from an escort I used in the past.  Really nice gal.   The last several times I saw her we have avoided intimacy completely.  I really like her attitude and approach to life.  She is really a nice gal.  She has a couple of kids.  They seem sweet, but of course I don't know them.

I had been sending her text messages and she stopped responding.  But I kept sending messages b/c I missed her.

Here is the last several texts:

• Hi Alexandra, How are you?
• Mar 13, 7:30 AM 
• Message by You: Are you angry with me?, Thursday, March 14 2019, 12:40 PM
• 
  
• Message by You: Hmmm, I think she has blocked me., Thursday, March 14 2019, 4:00 PM
• 
  
• Message by You: This means I can say anything I want and she'll never know,, Thursday, March 14 2019, 4:00 PM
• 
  
• Message by You: I suppose I could start by saying that I really did like you. Even when I realized that you weren't always completely truthful with me., Friday, March 15 2019, 5:39 PM
• 
  
• Message by You: I suppose that is just life these days. I presses one into an expectation that all is OK. Any admission of guilt or error is so frowned upon, that people feel compelled to lie to cover their foibles., Friday, March 15 2019, 5:40 PM
• 
  
• Message by You: Ah well, I don't judge. I have enough of my own faults, really no point in judging others., Friday, March 15 2019, 5:40 PM
• 
  
• Message by You: So I liked her., Friday, March 15 2019, 5:41 PM
• 
  
• Message by You: So I must be muted/blocked or in some other way blacklisted. But even as costly as her friendship is, it was very nice to lay around for an hour or two, with a nice person who had the intelligence to speak rationally about things., Thursday, March 28 2019, 3:56 PM
• 
  
• Message by You: I know I already miss her., Thursday, March 28 2019, 3:56 PM
• 
  
• Message by You: So am I still in the dog house?, Friday, May 17 2019, 4:10 PM
• 
  
• Message by You: Just checking to see if you still have me blocked., Sunday, June 23 2019, 6:32 PM
• 
  
• 
  
• Message by You: That would seem to be an affirmative on the blocked status. But just in case, I miss you., Tuesday, June 25 2019, 2:23 PM
• 
  
• Message by Alexandra Kay: I haven't blocked you, Tuesday, June 25 2019, 3:45 PM
• 
  
• Message by Alexandra Kay: Just haven't responded, Tuesday, June 25 2019, 3:45 PM
• 
  
• 
  
• Message by Alexandra Kay: I'm sorry, Tuesday, June 25 2019, 3:45 
• 
  
• Message by You: Are you in the area, or still in Florida?, Tuesday, June 25 2019, 4:19 PM
• Message by You: I mean there is no point in seeing if you want to come over if you are in Fl., Tuesday, June 25 2019, 4:22 PM
• Message by You: Or have you been to the Alamo (that movie theater that has a regular restaurant attached so you can eat a real dinner while watching a movie??), Tuesday, June 25 2019, 4:31 PM
• 
  

So you can see I am a little nuts for this woman.

But she is clearly not interested in me.  That, of course is the story of my life with women.  OK I suppose there was one exception.  The woman I married all those years ago.  But, were it not for the case of our progeny, I would have preferred that the case with that woman be just like all the rest.  What a wicked, wicked wander tail that turned out to be.  I bear her no ill will now (not consciously anyway.)  However, again were it not for the child we bore together, I believe that our union was most unbeneficial.  I could be wrong, and certainly most of the blame for how badly things went falls on me.  So even thought this sounds like (and perhaps it started out like) a castigation of that woman, I recognize that I was the "leader" of that union and the primary fault for the abysmal failure is on me.

Kind of like throwing another big heavy log on an already blazing fire of my demise.  I deserve death as far as I can tell.  As it rapidly approaches I sometimes wish for its delay so as to give myself more time to demonstrate my true love for God.  Other times I want to hurry things along so that I am put out of my misery.  Of course the latter is like hurrying along torture.  No, in the long run, delay, delay, delay.  Maybe one of these months, years, decades I'll get things right and will turn around.  I just don't think so since I have more than two score of years wherein I have shown my true colors, black and splattered with the blood of all those I failed to help as I should have.

So I did end up hearing back from her.  Of course she sick. but the kids are all right.  Still in Fl, but planning to move to DC in the fall.  Broke, needs grocery money.  And what do I do?  Do I stiff arm the woman thinking:  "Oh now you answer my text, when you need cash."

Nope, that wouldn't be old soft hearted neilsonnemeister,  I send her money.  Like 100 bucks.  Do I expect it to ever come back to me, no not really.  I mean I like this woman but she only seems interested when she needs money.  Of course this is how I treat Jehovah.  So what can I say?  I am such sh*t.

So then I start wondering, is she really using this money for regular life expenses or is she a drug seeking wench just looking for someone who will fund her next score.  I don't know.  I prayed about it and sent her the money.  I mean she has kids right?  (Like drug seekers don't have kids!)  She is broke (because she spent all her money on drugs?)

I don't know if I did the right thing but I don't think so.  She was lively and conversant as time led up to sending doing the transfer.  When the first try didn't go through she was reasonable and understanding.  Once the transfer happened it was like a light switch went off.  I have heard nothing from her since the transfer was successful.  Of course I sent a "Transfer appears to be successful" text.  Since then I have heard nothing.  Not a "Thank You", not a "Yes it worked, thanks so much" not even a "Got It."  Nothing.  Nothing at all.  When will I ever learn.  One would think this time for sure, but just give it a few hours/days/weeks.  If I hear from her again I'll be reaching for my wallet.  (And not in a protective, shielding kind of way, more in a "Here let me open it for you" kind of motion.)

I guess it is better than an "Is that all you can spare?" message.  But I suspect that this is what she was thinking but was smart enough not to put it in "writing" (virtually speaking.)  I wish she had.  That might have been the straw that breaks my back.  It was kind of like with my ex.  I kept hanging around long after she had given me way more than enough reason to move on.  Then I realized that she was deliberately damaging my son.  That got her blacklisted for good.  I mean I don't wish her ill.  I just have absolutely no interest in that woman for anything other than "you're a human and entitled to respect owed thereto" kind of a thing.

Sh*t.

Report Card

So that last post was from a long time ago.  It was just sitting there as a draft for some time so I kicked it out by publishing it.  Whatever.

Anyway I'm blogging again because my life is again clearly pointed to an excrement ditch.  I don't know how to pull out of this.  I pray, but not long and consistent enough.  I go to meetings, but before long I get someone (or everyone) throws enough excrement in my direction that I can't take it anymore.  And then somewhere along the way sooner or later, I take poison (in the form of music, porn, tv, books.)

Meetings (aka Church)

So I haven't been to church in forever and then I stumbled into a meeting last Monday. Couldn't believe it that I saw my son there with his wife.  (ugh, the wife not my son)  Of course his was readmitted to the church (un-excommunicated; reinstated to use the correct term.)


Escorts

Yes, still use them.  finding some acceptable but economical alternatives.  I'm finding that 5 - 600 is the point at which with extreme care you can find good reliable service.  Anything less you will find something amiss.  Could be language, attitude, appearance,


Study

Hit and miss.  I often read the text and a Wt. article in the AM.  I often read a chapter in a book on the way home from work.  So I study "a lot". but it doesn't seem to have an impact.


Porn

Still there about once a week on average.  Some weekends I skip, most I hit and occasionally twice and as much as 3 times.


Money

Avoiding any new big commitments.  No new house, car, But then again, see the section on "Escorts".  at minimum of 500 usd and up to 1200 per event, that in and of itself is a big commitment.  Still in debt to the USG.  Don't know how to fix that.



Work

I am coming to realize that I can't work forever.  I hate being at work b/c people treat me like excrement.  Of course that reinforces the feeling that I am worth no more than (and possibly less than) canine excrement.  But I have to have money.  No other source I can think of.


Psychological

I still hate myself.  I realize that I am stupid on a fundamental level.  I realize my life is a total waste, and that it would have been finer had I not been born.  Still depressed.  (Surprised?  Then what's wrong with you??!!)


Spiritual

An Enemy of Jehovah.


Physical

Fat, Ugly, Walk 20 miles each week.

Socioeconomic Standing

Looser


Relationships

Trying to cultivate a relationship I have been cultivating for the past 40 years with only a string of failures to show for it.  Of course, I'm failing again.

Today I just feel so unhappy.  Yesterday I had the notion that I hadn't been really down for a few days.  I wondered if I might actually be feeling better.  Today I feel that same hole in my chest indicative of an internal emptiness coupled with despair that the resolution is so long off as to make the required endurance impossible.

Yet there is this fear that the end is so imminent that I won't have time to make it back into the congregation before God pulls the trigger on the end of this system of things.  I am contemplating just one more visit to a provider.  Of course this is entirely stupid, I am praying not to do it, and I'll hate myself if I do.  But that hasn't stopped me in the past.  Right now I give myself a 50/50 chance of avoiding this engagement.

I am having trouble sleeping again these days.  I keep waking up way too early.  I might have to go back to sleeping on the bed.

Change is Hard

So many issues, so much embarrassment.  I really dislike many aspects of this job.  Everyone else here seems to love it.  I just can't seem to get along with everyone.  I want to do a good job  but it is so difficult b/c I am not as smart as everyone around me.  People look at me like I am stupid, dull and slow.  They seem to tolerate me rather than to respect any contribution that I make.
I get respect from WiPro.  The people there love me and think I am doing a great job, in spite of my weaknesses.  But they are our vendors, not anyone who can positively influence my standing with CAQH.

The guys from PWC, Oh my goodness they walk around here like they own the place.  They are viewed with Awesome resources by many.  I think they stink.  Their customer service is awful.  They take way too long to do anything.  Their coding practices are terrible.  They employ young developers who are learning and their code shows it.

But they are deep and they can get virtually anything done we have needed.  It just costs way, way too much.

I am reaching a turning point, I hope.  I am starting to realize that I really must stop associating with these providers.  I can't even go out to dinner with them.  When the hearings start up again they will ask:

1. When was the last time you fornicated
2. When is the last time you even visited a provider,
3. When is the last time you looked at porn
4. When is the last time you looked at porn'ish TV

If I don't answer 1 year to at least the first three questions I believe they will deny my request for reinstatement.  So I'm aiming for a spring 2020 reinstatement.

I mean it's not just a matter of passing their test.  This is what I need to do to meet God's requirements.  Even listening to the rock I used to is the kind of "association" that pulls me back to the sh*t I'm trying to get away from.  If I keep doing like the TV and music that I know I need to quit, I will end up going back to the porn and providers I love so much.  We are what we feed our minds.

I mean I don't really think I'm going to make it.  I have failed too many times to believe that I will ever change.  I certainly know that change of this magnitude is possible with God's help.  I just don't think I can keep God's requirements and mandated practices long enough to get those kind of results.  Not that I don't want to, but I never have before and God has been there all along offering me his assistance.  And I failed to take it.  I don't see myself as being so different now that I can make the needed changes.

That's not to say I plan to stop trying.  I'll try to keep it up, I just think I will fail sooner rather than later.

Sh*t, I am so unhappy.  Every day is just another bout of unhappiness.


Well it is Days after I wrote the above.  I am still in a funk.  I avoided seeing a provider earlier this week by the skin of my teeth.  I don't want to see a provider in a macro sense but at any relatively microscopic point in time I do and will set it up.  Then as the microscopic speck passes I regret it and pray that they don't respond or that there is a problem in the scheduling/location/fees that make meeting not possible.  This week I just "went dark" on one provider even though everything else lined up.  I felt really bad about that.  How I imagine a jerk should feel (but they don't of course.)

My son is making great progress to getting himself reinstated.  He is going to submit his petition soon.  I think it will be approved.  So I only have a few weeks left to hang out with him before he has to start shunning me.  That's cool though.  God put this in place and I trust him that the procedure is correct.  I just hope he keeps up with the progress he is making.

Work is still depressing as I have to fight for everything I want to do that is different from the standard program here.  In spite of the success we enjoyed last year, the team is focused on checking the boxes on corporate compliance rather than on getting the job done correctly.  It is so hard when I hear other people extolling how great it is to work here, and how wonderful the people are, and how they enjoy coming to work.  Why is my experience so different?  Why am I so passionate about doing things "correctly" that I find it so difficult to sit back and watch other people waste time?

I was riding home yesterday and listening to an NPR piece on suicide.  I still think about it often, but not really seriously.  I don't think I will do that until after it is clear that God has rejected me.  Then it doesn't matter anymore.  (Of course I have to be CERTAIN that I am rejected and since it isn't like God is going to communicate directly, I don't think I would believe someone saying that "It's too late for you dude."  So I'll probably never do it.   I think back to the article I wrote not long ago when I outlined how I expect to die when the end comes.  Of course there I mentioned suicide several times.  That presumes I have knowledge of my Judgement.  It may be obvious at which time I would very likely do the deed.

When I think of the problems the Israelites had and how God kept saying "Return to me."  At least now I am trying to do that.  And, at least to my knowledge, the end has not yet come.  But still, who knows.  There are probably lots of tests that I will fail between now and when the end does come so it may be entirely obvious that my judgement is adverse. Oh well, I hate myself with good reason.

Crappy day all around.  No joy on any front, except that my study routine is getting better.  I just feel that every day, I am doing the things to make these last few weeks or days or hours that I have some control over my life are as comfortable as possible.  I even worry about trying to add a lot of additional things to the spiritual things I am doing because if I do, then I am libel to stop doing everything.  So I have to be really careful about not adding anything to what I do now.  Of course the case review panel will want to say "You have to do this" and "You aren't doing that,  Do thus and so for several months then come back to us and we will see .  .  ."

I have kind of decided that I will still just do what I think I can.  I am not willing to risk going back to square one b/c they aren't happy that I don't look up all the scriptures when I study the wt.  I am trying to serve God, not please them.  Sigh, I just hope I ever get to that point.

I'm 50 weeks away from sending in my petition.  So this isn't something I should even be thinking about.  Sh*t, right now I don't even read the wt before the meeting.

This is so d*mn depressing, kind of like working at the carwash blues.