The Recognized Beginning of the End

So I guess the beginning of the end was when began consistently making decisions to put my own interests ahead of God's.  That would be in High School when I decided to go to College instead of serving God full time.

Now I finally know and appreciate the gravity of that decision.  I am sitting outside God's organization and I can't find my way back in.  I have worked on and achieved partial success with a number of initiatives.  Studying more, reading the bible, going to meetings, prayer, watching Jw tv, listening to Jw music and so on.  However they are always short lived efforts and they are interspersed with  poisonous activity that counteracts the good that I would otherwise do:  immoral behavior, and entertainment. 

Now I am old, and people at work laugh at me behind my back.  They are openly rude to me in meetings and enjoy the opportunity to reject any suggestion I have.  Even the things I have accomplished are first minimized and then  quickly claimed by others.  They have no problem walking back what I built up. 

I am having my reckoning with my lack of action regarding past fiscal mistakes.  Basically everything I have done and accomplished that has been good in my life is washing away.  My life has been crumbling for the past couple of decades and now major fishers are opening that can't be covered over anymore.  I've lost my interest in everything.  I just don't care about much anymore.  All those things that I thought would be so important are just meaningless now. 

I really think I would do myself in were it not for the fact that I don't have the authority to take my own life.  That would be presumptuously taking my own judgment in to my hands.  God doesn't like it when people do that.  Of course Judas had no better choice, but, thankfully, I'm not as bad as he was.  Of course that leaves me plenty bad enough to warrant destruction from God, as far as I can tell.  But still that is not my call to make. 

So what that means is that even though I know, as well as one can know these things, that I am unacceptable to God and just waiting for the final adverse judgement, I can't do anything to hurry along the execution of that judgement.  All I can seem to do is to sit around waiting for God, or his appointed executioner, to bring me to an end.  I suppose I can hope that it is quick and does not involved torture and prolonged suffering, but I don't know if God grants deference to such like preferences. 

All I am is sad all the time.  I am so thoroughly disgusted with myself and my bad decisions.  I have lost hope of ever getting out of this mess on my own, and I don't have anyone I can reliably turn to for help.  They all are JW's who can't help me or they are not even remotely close enough to contact for this kind of help.  So here I sit, stewing in my own feelings of worthlessness and worry about being further exposed as the fraud that I am. 

When I was giving my Valedictorian speech from High School I mentioned Solomon's words about a time to laugh, to cry, to skip about etc.  For me it seems now would be a good time to die.  I have lost everything of value.  I realize that.  And now I just need to live out the rest of my life, for as long as God allows me to continue to exist, waiting for the time when he will pass judgement and mercifully bring this life to an end.  I just hate myself so very much.  I am such a complete and total failure.