Blah, Blah, Blah . . . Sh*t

Boinked a provider again last week.  A really nice person, very kind of heart.  We ended up talking for several hours I think because I was nice and listened.  And maybe partly b/c I brought along some wine and a pint of Jack Daniels.  We polished off the latter with, I might add, no adverse affects on performance.   It is the first time that a provider has willingly spent so much additional time with me. 

I'm not proud of what I've done,  pretty embarrassed more like it.  I just can't seem to navigate my way back to the organization.  Going to the meetings seems to be just an impossibility now.  I tried earnestly twice this week, Monday and Tuesday, and then I tried again half heatedly on Thursday.  Unsuccessful on all attempts.  One time I was going along and then I decided I might need to urinate.  I hate using the bathrooms at the KHall so that was enough.  The next time I was a little late.  Not for any good reason, I was just late.  Of course, I couldn't walk in there late right?  The last time I was "late."  That is I arrived at my bus stop later than I thought would be possible to make it to the meeting on time.  Yet I made it home (a lot farther away) before the meeting start time.  "Stupid, stupid, stupid" I say over and over again.  But I keep on doing the same d*mn thing.

I know God's son's ransom would cover my sins if I were to take the propitiatory actions.  Where I get stuck is making myself do those things.  All things I desperately do not want to do.  It's like trying to swallow medicine that can save your life but that tastes, smells and looks so bad you want to wretch.  So far I haven't been able to force myself to choke it down.  (Of course it is worth noting that in actual fact every one on the planet would be better off swallowing, bathing and swimming in all that is, and is related to this medicine; there is nothing patently negative about it in any way.  It doesn't stink.  So my aversion to it is yet another personal failure.)

I still pray occasionally.  Not daily like I once did but I really try to communicate.  I tell God these things and beg for his help.  I am sure he is, or has often, answering/answered my prayers.  It is just that I don't always perceive (or don't always remember perceiving)  those answers.  So it feels like it is useless to do so.  Of course intellectually I know that prayer is a very powerful and useful thing.  But it doesn't always seem like it to me.  Again, I am sure it is something that I am doing, feeling, sensing wrongly.  There is nothing wrong with God, although the agents he may choose to use are imperfect, he never lets us endure more than we should be able to take.

I have taken to force feeding myself spiritual music in the mornings.  I don't like the songs but I decided that I am just going to listen to them when I get ready.  Of course I counteract that by listening to my Goth Metal music occasionally at work.  Yea I know, "Stupid, stupid stupid."

I have found it practically impossible to focus at work today.  The day started at 7:00 AM with meetings.  I ate way too much today.  Don't know why really.  But right now I feel way too full.  A little sleepy as well, not unusual for me with a too-full tummy.  I am standing at my desk.  I am dreading the commute home.  I just don't feel like dealing with it.  I just want to snap my fingers and be home.  Yea, don't we all right?  But no really I don't often feel this way.  Commuting is just kind of a normal thing.  I don't particularly dread it most days.  But today I want to throw in the towel and crawl under my desk and go to sleep.  Oh my goodness I so hate what I am today, really what I have been all my adult life.  I really can't think of any time that I have been happy.  Yea there were times when I have been less despondent, but happy?  No not really, well, not as I can remember.  There have been good moments:  When I was dating my ex before we got married, when I first started working for the Q, and maybe when I first started working for the "d".  But sh*t that was when I didn't know anything.

There are times now when I feel close to tears, I just start thinking about how bad things are now and how they are not going to change anytime soon.  I think i will end up leaving here in shame after another big screw up.  I can't imagine an orderly wind down.  It is just too much work.  I think I'll end up just visiting party city and home depot.  Then just draw the curtains on my life.  It just hurts too much.

On the other hand I'd finish with a long prayer, trying to explain to God why I am doing something he expressly forbids.  So I may end up avoiding it but I am really messed up inside now and that is the only solution that I see that is likely to happen.  Things will just naturally continue to devolve from here on out.  Cheer up dude, Armageddon is on the way, but, oh yea,  I'm very unlikely to survive that.  So no, things are not looking good.